I should probably have left the board when h came home but for whatever reasons I've kept posting.
I'm finding that keeping my own threads serves little to no purpose...it's simply a place for me to express how blah I at times feel about my marriage.
So then what is the state of my marriage?
dammed if I know.
it would seem to me that h is perfectly content with the status quo as long as I don't complain or ask for anything more that what is given...but then again that's pretty much how I felt before and during h's a anyway so is there really a difference now and why should I expect things to be different?
will this m survive the test of time? well as long as I keep telling myself things wouldn't be better with anyone else or rather what would be better would cost the loss of what aint so bad here? or are those h's words? the infamous "if you think you can do better go find someone"
am I a waw who just doesn't go away? maybe
do I want to be a waw? certainly not
do I want more out of my m and my life than what is currently occuring? you bet.
does h want more out of life than the current way? nope! his words...he's happy to go to work and just come home and relax...relax meaning turn on the ball game (and lord knows there's always something on via satelite) and fall asleep.
so it seems I am stuck in a time warp...
but then that is just who h is (his words)
pathetic way to exist if you asked me..maybe I'm just as pathetic for accepting it...but that is the american way isn't it.
I've always said I'd rather live in a shack and be happy than live in a castle alone...looks like I'll be living in the castle with the illusion of not being alone.
as has always been my fear...I will continue on making my own life while living here with h...accepting his crumbs now and then...eventually I will have such a full life that I wont desire to spend time with him and perhaps the tables will turn...oh well there'll always be his sports to keep him happy.
I know I have not kept up with you too much lately, but let me tell you, I will miss you if you leave this place. I will never forget that you were the one who held my hand through my darkest hours and longest days. Said you would keep checking in on me cause you were home with the kiddos anyway! Thank you. You will always have a place in my heart {{{{{{{{{{{{{LL}}}}}}}}}}}}}
It is almost a year since my H left, and although I drew many similarities between your H and mine initially, there ended up being one huge difference. Your H had what it took to come back and try. To me, that says a lot about him and his integrity. I know it hasn't been an easy ride for you, but I pray that over time, you will grow to that place of peaceful contentment together. You are still in a difficult phase. Still sorting through what went wrong for a while, still having the stress of very young children.
Maybe I can offer you some inspiration...I spent last weekend with some close girlfriends. I say close, because we have known each other for years and years, but we don't all get together often cause of our busy lives. Our kids are all in the 7-10 range now. The last time I spoke with a couple of the girls, they were each struggling in their M's. I was truly worried that they were heading in the same direction I have ended up going. As it happens, over the last year or so, things have come together for both of them and their H's. At one point, one of them had not had sex with her H for about 7 years (if that isn't a bad sign, I don't know what is!) Last time we talked about her M (before this), she was looking for the name of a good counsellor. Well, it seems she found her good counsellor, they went, and things are getting back on track. The other friend always thought her H was too mild for her...felt she needed more excitement (although she never went looking for anything more). Now that their kids are growing up a bit, she appreciates him for who he is...she told me he has proven himself to her over and over.
It seems to me that if a couple can get over the hump that happens when kids come along and change their whole world, they stand a good chance of growing together. Of course there are examples on this bb that would prove me wrong, but maybe they never dealt with their hurdle then and it jumped up to bite them in the butt later? You and your H are dealing with the hurdle now. Head on. So like I said, it may take time, but I really hope you and your H find that place of contentment together. I think you have seen glimpses of it already.
Anyway, I think you are a wonderful, passionate and kind person who is not afraid to speak her mind. Your H is a lucky man, whether he acknowledges that all the time or not!
thank you for you kind words. I know that I am lucky that h did have it in him to come home and try...I wish that I had it in me to get beyond the fact that he left.
Are things horrible here? no, not at all. Am I justified in some of my complaints about this r, sure. I do know that most of my complaining is born out of some crazy idea that I deserve better than what happend.
There have been times when I've sat like others and tried to find blame in myself for h's indiscretion, when the fact of the matter remains that none of it was my fault. Did I always handle myself appropriately and lovingly? no, heck I'm human after all aren't I.
What it comes down to is all the stressors were there for h and he freaked...why it ended up being an a and his leaving I don't know but it did.
We had just built a home, I had started asking for a second child etc etc. the typical reasons for affairs. what kind of affair was it? well I'd like to belive h that it was not physical and most of the time I do believe him..unfortunatley I am surronded by a world that doesn't.
I suppose I'm just dissapointed in h that he couldn't come to me, that he couldn't express his fears to me and instead chose to hide in an illussionary world w ow and then avoid me.
Will we get beyond it all..sure I think in a lot of ways we already have.
We are going away this weekend to celebrate our anniversary..I don't know what anniversary to count it as since we didn't celebrate last years. I'm saddend by the fact that I don't feel a marriage...I lost the one I had.
LL: Is curious that after writing some reflections on my thread, about my own crisis and thoughts, i found out this thread from you... Yes, i am feeling a little similar with you right now... for my h evything is perfect, is working... but maybe bc all i had lived bc his crisis and irres´ponsability in the way he handle it, i right know am thinking a lot about my own life and what i want... but yes, definately i wont do moves and actions with irresponsability, and i will apply the tools i had learned here to control my self and handle it, but it is difficult... yes it is...!!... if you can, pass by my thread (is by andrea) and read what i post...!! andrea
I suppose I'm just dissapointed in h that he couldn't come to me, that he couldn't express his fears to me and instead chose to hide in an illussionary world w ow and then avoid me.
It's easy to understand the frustration behind this disappointment. I think that all of us have been there, done that, and know the feeling of emptiness that can lie behind it.
Expressing our fears to another person, even people who are closer to us than anyone else, can be a hard thing for a lot of people to do. In fact, it sometimes seems that the closer you feel to a person, the harder it may be to open up to them. Especially us guys, I think. We can become very "vulnerable". It can be pretty tricky to find the right combination of things that can be done to create enough of a "safety-zone" where we first even admit these fears to ourselves, let alone another person.
I think I know that you're not like this, LL, so you might have a hard time really understanding why this is so, and how it can be. Maybe it might help to take a step back from trying to understand it, and take a few minutes to "accept" it. From there, it might be a bit clearer on what could be done to change this.
Has there ever been a time when you feel that your H has been comfortable expressing any of his fears about anything with you?
JJ
Read about Divorce Busting® Telephone Coaching here!
Has there ever been a time when you feel that your H has been comfortable expressing any of his fears about anything with you?
well let's see...there was the time when he let me know he felt like he was in hell and was being torn apart and just wanted peace...oh wait that doesn't count that was when he was first wanting to come back home.
seriously though...h puts up a very good front...mr. confident...fears nothing. but that can't be true can it? if he were so confident and secure then why would something like a new home and second child push him to run off and have an a and then choose to leave his family?
I don't know what it is that h fears except for maybe failure..but then that doesn't show either..h is rather an enigma tied in a big ole fashion bow.
Pluto and Uranus are slow-moving outer planets. Thus, they rarely align with each other but when they do link up, they create a powerful influence that can last for many months. Since soon after its discovery back in 1781, Uranus has been considered the co-ruler of Aquarius; and Pluto is the planet of profound, permanent transformation. You are now going through a once-in-a-lifetime process. Life may seem very intense but it is also about to prove very wonderfully rewarding. Don't let a small setback or a passing doubt blind you to an enormous opportunity.
h's horoscope for today...
Yours, to all intents and purposes, is the sign of the spin-doctor. You have this uncanny ability to make wrong things sound right. It is not just that you can look on the bright side, it is more as if you carry around a torch and a pot of highly-reflective paint. This lets you add sparkle to even the most dreary situations. And though you are never deliberately deceptive, sometimes you summon so much enthusiasm that you become convinced about a debatable point. Watch out now for the tendency to talk yourself into something that it might be far wiser to walk away from.
hmmmm might that mean h's rationale for keeping ow for a customer is something he really should just walk away from?? pitty he doesn't read horoscopes.
Hi LL, {{{{LL}}}} Like you I have been weaning myself away from this board, feeling sometimes that I need to concentrate away from the board to get things right
Quote: seriously though...h puts up a very good front...mr. confident...fears nothing. but that can't be true can it? if he were so confident and secure then why would something like a new home and second child push him to run off and have an a and then choose to leave his family?
For a man things like home and family can actually be very scary and can smack of dare-I-say-it failure. I know this from my own H's actions and some talks I have had with my FIL.
I think many men see themselves growing up as Superman or James Bond or some incredibly cool guy without the day to day grind of home and family to stop them from saving-the-world. Does Superman push a pram? Does James Bond go home to a nice cosy dinner with Mrs Bond?
Now this has finally clicked with me I keep calling H my superhero whenever he does something with the kids or just tell him it takes real guts to stick by wife and family and he is more my superhero now than he would ever be by doing wild heroic deeds.
This kind of ties in with why they don't want to be vulnerable with us, they need us to see them as a kind of hero - not as someone weak.
Also the stuff on your previous thread about everytime you pull away from H he comes back to you. This is me and H exactly. I think mars and venus is very good on this. I am now starting to realise that giving H some space and leaving him to relax in peace is a way of showing him I love him, when he has these needs met that is when he comes forward and starts to meet my needs too.
It is because we women cannot fathom the idea of wanting space AWAY from our loved ones that we see it as rejection. It isn't rejection it is just something they need. Weird though this may seem I am actually finding some merit in behaving a little like a 50's wife and doing little things like pulling up the footstool for him and making him a snack before disappearing with an indulgent smile to leave him to it. BLEAGHH!!!! I know but he loves it and it gets results. We seem to be getting closer because I am now behaving in this way that my whole psyche and up-bringing etc finds completely alien.
Because it works I am no longer resenting it, and I find that my need to nurture him and feel needed by him is being satisfied by doing these little acts in replacement for the cosy chats I would prefer.
As a result I now finding him getting less stressed by having chats with me. When he looks bored by us talking I try not to feel exasperated and just try (hard as it is) to give him space again, finish the conversation on a light note - say something like you look a little too tired for conversation I'll go read my book and give him a smile and a squeeze of the hand to show I am not feeling pissed about it.
I think now that he is seeing me reading his signals and understanding when conversation is not what he wants he feels safer in a conversation with me, he feels it won't go on forever and get tiresome to him I guess.
This has gone on too long - sorry to hijack your thread. I do see such a lot of similarities in our sitch LL and I hope I can practise what I am preaching here - LOL. You are very a very honest person LL, honest with yourself and honest with others and that takes a lot of guts.
I am wishing you luck in case one or other of us doesn't come back here.
take care
Fran
if we can be sufficient to ourselves, we need fear no entangling webs Erica Jong
LL, I can hear the frustration in you posts. You sound torn between wanting your M and expecting more than what your getting from your H. Marriage can and does survive alot of things, but I think boredom breeds problems. I think I can say this out of experience. My H was tired of me being depressed and never wating to do anything. I thought things would always be ok no matter what. I was dead wrong. I'm not sure what to tell you to do to get your H up off that couch. It's very difficult to get someone to change when they don't want to, or they don't even see the need. You've talked about leaving the BB, but I think you need support now just as much as before. Just IMHO. What if YOU made plans for the two of you? Would he go? I know....you want him to initiate them. It doesn't sound like that gonna happen right now. It doesn't mean it can't change. I know you feel like giving up and your just trying as best you can to be happy with the status Quo. It doesn't sound like its working very well for you. What if you left him to his sports and made plans to go out without him? Tell him in a nice way that you know that's what he enjoys doing, but it's not your cup of tea. Seeing you go off a few nights a week might make him sit up and take notice. In Michele's book she talks about how to get men to do things different by what WE do. We all know nagging or begging does NOT work. We have to be creative, and most of all, independant enough to mkae ourselves happy. It's clear, you want your M and your H is not making you happy with his actions. Do your best to make your own happiness, do things YOU like. After you've had a fun night out, your less likely to resent him so much. Hopefully, he will start wanting to see what your up to, and having such a great time doing. Even if he doesn't, YOU will have taken the steps to take care of yourself and your own happiness. Take a painting class, dancing classes, go to movies with friends or family. I'm going to practice what I preach and do the same. I need to do more for me and stop waiting around for my H. to decide he wants me bad enough to recommit. I want him and love him, but he's not my EVERYTHING anymore. I'm not sure I've helped you at all, but I do care. I fear the same thing that your going through. If we get back together, I want more than what we had. A large part of that has to come from me doing things differently. Leave Hubby on the couch and go! It can't be any worse than what your experiencing now. It just might really help your PMA. Something we could ALL use. Whaddaya think?? Rachael
I will never forget that you were the one who held my hand through my darkest hours and longest days. Said you would keep checking in on me cause you were home with the kiddos anyway! Thank you. You will always have a place in my heart {{{{{{{{{{{{{LL}}}}}}}}}}}}} 
and doing little things like pulling up the footstool for him and making him a snack before disappearing with an indulgent smile to leave him to it. BLEAGHH!!!! I know but he loves it and it gets results. We seem to be getting closer because I am now behaving in this way that my whole psyche and up-bringing etc finds completely alien.