Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again Is it time to start piecing?

All advice is welcome. I know what you mean (well, maybe not yet) about the patience bit. I see positive signs from my W, and quite frankly, never thought she would hold off this long. But, I also understand this will be a long process.

You and me both brother.

If you're seeing positive signs from your W after only 4 months, take it and RUN.

But don't PUSH it.

Just updating here. Things seem to be warming up ever so slowly. W really has no tension around me and hasn't for a while. She is asking to do things as a family (such as a food festival tomorrow).

W has always baked, and she is really good at it. She is taking a cake decorating class, and is fantastic at it. She has started selling some of her baked treats (better than if I ate most of them). She got her first few orders today, and she contacted me at work to tell me - she was really excited. She seems very happy now.

But still no actions like a "normal" W. We just seem to be good friends who are in charge of the two most beautiful children in teh world (no offense to anyone else, of course).

I continue to fight the "I feel no attraction to W" feelings. I know a large portion of that is due to my needs not being met. I'm trying to meet those by stepping up GAL'ing to do things that make me happy. It works, but, like everyone here, I miss that from my W.

I will keep plodding along and see where this goes.

Have you done anything to try and attract her back? Flirting, dates, etc.?

Yep. Been doing that for a while (last 6 weeks especially). Coach helped put me on that path. Basically trying to lure W back. Make her want to talk to me about R.

We joke a good bit in the evenings as well. Conversation is always light and fun.

GIMA, This all sounds good.

Like I mentioned to you earlier, take it SLOW. Yes, your needs aren't being met, but think of it this way. When you were young and you were interested in a girl and she just thought of you as "friends", what did you do? You were her "friend". Because you enjoyed being around her. And you knew the only way it might go to the next level is if you didn't push and just enjoyed time with her.

Same way here. She might not be there yet, but her calling you excited about the baking is great. She's sharing WITH YOU something that is important to her. And that's the first step back.

When a woman (or man) gets to the walk away mode it didn't happen over night. And her coming back isn't going to happen overnight either. You're joking and the conversation is light and fun? PERFECT. Keep it that way. You're making progress even though it's hard to see yourself.

It wasn't long ago that I was in the same boat as you and I remember thinking "This is taking so freakin long". But a number of good friends here would point out to me the progress we were making. Most times it's hard to see that progress when you're so close to the situation, but us on the outside can see it.

Keep it up. Remember, it's a marathon, not a sprint. It's only been since April that you got the bomb. 5-6 months is nothing in these situations and I would venture to say that you're further along than most people on this board are at the 5 month mark.

Key is now, DO NOT PUSH beyond what she's able to give at this moment. Coach gave some great advice. Lure her back in. Plan fun stuff and tell her "I'm planning on doing x, would you like to join me"? If she says yes, great. If she says no, do it anyway. Now that I look back on my sitch, I can't tell you how much things started to turn around when I started employing that idea. She joins you because she decided to and there was no pressure from you. She doesn't join you, you GAL and that makes her wonder what she's missing.

Keep it up, you're doing great.

Just a quick update here. Things seem to be warming up day by day. W initiates many conversations. Left a note for her on the dashboard of her car earlier this week (we did this early on in our M and when we were dating before that) to tell her I had had fun on our trip to Disney this past weekend and to tell her she looked great that morning. This was a big step, and I wasn't sure how it would turn out. But, she thanked me for the note and everything was normal with her.

My C at my last session recommended slowly beginning to invade my W's space. If I get a negative reaction, stop. So far, so good. I'm going to try to work in some hand holding or casual touches.

Monday is a significant day. Shortly after the bomb day, W said she would allow me time to make changes, but she "would not wait 6 months." Monday is the 6 month mark. And, she isn't running away from me.

So, when do you know you are "piecing"? Do you have to have a discussion about working on the M?

GIMA, I wouldn't get too hung up on which label to apply to your sitch. I see a lot of "he's MLC", "she's WAW with a little MLC", etc, all the time.

Does it really matter if you're officially "piecing?" I learned just last night that I was "piecing" my marriage back together probably 6 months before I really knew it, and about 8 months before I moved to this section of the boards. If I'd have known earlier that we were piecing, would it have changed anything I was doing? NOPE.

You're doing great GIMA. She's getting there. Keep up the good work. And I'll give you a little hint. There's a ton more traffic on the Newcomers board where you currently reside. Even if you are "piecing", I wouldn't be in a big hurry to move over here. Once you get here, the only people that typically follow your threads are the people that were your biggest supporters on your original board (Newcomers, Infidelity, etc).

Patience, Patience, Patience....

Thanks Hope4us.

I agree. I'm not getting hung up on labels. We are supposed to be soulution based, right?

Well, all the "signs" I have thought were positive apparently weren't. Thursday evening, I had a discussion with W about coming up with ideas to improve our R - little things like hand holding, occasional hug. Her response: Nothing has changed for her since she dropped the bomb in April. Nothing.

She has apparently just been nice so we could be friends to be the best "co-parents" for our children.

Back to square 1, apparently. Pretty bummed, but I am doing surprisingly (maybe not) well. All of my concern and worry right now is for our kids.