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Hey G-man..

Glad to have you back! Ouch on the being served in her presence.

But here's my serious question: Why am I the only one who can't get her house on the market?

Coffee, tea, chocolate chip frappucino any time.

*hugs*

Thanks, Gypsy.

I'll call you in the next day or so.

To all you wonderful DBers.

This is one heck of a loaded question, but...

Anyone got any words of advice for the ol' Gardener who has just about given up completely?

Hey Gardener. Just live YOUR life. Maybe she comes back one day (if you want that), maybe not.

Letting go is not giving up. In letting go, get to know yourself again (or maybe like in my case, for the first time).

Oh, and by the way, as a further update. Tuesday night my DIL says my wife can't wait to get into her new apartment July 1 because her current landlord has turned out to be "a real slime ball." "Really," says I. "How so?"

She says he has propositioned her, tried to kiss her, has been in his car in her back yard at late hours of the night. Last week she pulled up her blinds before going to sleep to see if it the car was there and when she pulled them up, she was terrified to see his face pressed up against the window. Her windows now all have sheets stapled over them. He offered to lower her rent the last time he made a move on her.

Some feelings die slowly, others are killed off, but I found that protective isn't one of them. I was livid!

Called my stepson, 31, and had dinner with him last night to discuss.

Tonight we went to the landlord's house unannounced. Told him my name was (First name) and this is (stepson's first name) and we wanted to talk to him about one of his apartments on X Avenue. "Sure," says he, "which one?"

"Well, specifically the basement apartment that will be available July one. But where are my manners? Let me finish the introductions, I am Firstname Gardener, Mrs. Gardener's husband and (stepson's name) here is her son."

His jaw dropped. He closed the front door and came out.

I told him that for reasons not worth going into and that are none of his business, these past 10 months in the apartment have been a respite, a rest, a much-needed de-stress time for Mrs. Gardener. Now, you can imagine that her well-being and peace of mind is absolutely paramount to me and to her son, here.

So we have come to request - to insist, right, stepson?- that you help in that process for the last ten weeks she will be in that apartment by having absolutely no personal contact with her whatsoever, do you understand what I'm saying here?"

He says well, I've talked to her about renewing her lease but she didn't seem to like that idea.

I replied, "well without getting into details and ugly here, she has informed stepson and I of several occurances that, shall we say, she 'doesn't like."

So, let me repeat that we fully expect you to have absolutely no in-person contact with her between now and the day she moves, understood?"

He said, "Fine. Understood. Okay"

I shook his hand and said, "Landlord, I completely misjudged you. I came here with every intention of telling you that if you go near her, proposition her, touch her, peep in her windows or anything like that stepson and I would immediately and swiftly make you sorely and very painfully regret it. But I see now that I don't have to say that at all. Good night"

Stepson said, "Nice to meet you. Let's hope I don't have to call on you again. And my mother is not to know from you that this conversation took place."

We later left it for my stepson to tell his mom about our polite, respectful visit and that she should be able to rest easy now, but must tell him if anything else happens!

But, boy do I expect the manure to hit the fan (for me) when my wife finds out.

I did the same thing, but in a more extreme manner, when my stepdaughter was being stalked about 8 years ago and my wife greatly admired me and was grateful for it. But this time? Whoo, boy, I'm waiting for her call.

Sorry about the rant. Hadda do what I hadda do with stepson. No choice. Needed to get it off my chest here.

Gardener,

I found your thread a week ago and haven't had a chance to get up to speed yet, but thought I would toss out an idea that 'kinda' worked in my situation. When my H left 1 year ago he was pretty manic and pushed very hard for divorce (no OW --- this has been confirmed by multiple sources). I felt and still feel he has been having mental health problems and I wanted to gain time for his emotions to 'even out', hoping that he might come to his senses. I agreed to sign the D agreement we negotiated if he would postpone the D date 6 months. I told him that the D was so sudden and unexpected that I needed additional time to come to grips with it. The 6 month extension ends in 6 weeks. There has been no sign of H changing his mind, but over the last 6 months we have moved into definite friendship territory, shared several evenings on the patio, a lot of hugs, and a handful of chaste kisses, none of which would have occurred had it not been for the 6 month extension.

This could be something to consider pulling out of your back pocket when the time comes if you are so inclined. Time DOES have a way of changing our perspectives.

GAG

GAG - I like your idea. I may use that in my situation. Best of luck.

Thanks, GAG, but I got the bomb10 months ago, she moved 9 months ago and has been going more and more distant week by week.Told me she wanted D 5/13. I got her to postpone until after Gardener Blended Family Annual Seashore Vacation, whidh she did. Now she is full steam ahead. Demonizes me, lies about me. The whole family is disgusted.

She has a typical abused-child-upbringing history and pattern of this. When she reaches her real - or perceived - threshold or tolerance of hurt, disappointment or pain, she suddenly cuts the offender off, shuts them out and runs away: Her father and mother (30+ years), 2 sisters, (20+ years), first husband, my mother and several friends. Now me. My IC says that her physically abusive fathers sudden death last April triggered it and I'm now the evil man getting the brunt of it.

But she won't say why. It was wonderful, romantic, sexy, connected and a great companionship/partnership for 16 years until the bomb.

I do believe I've tried everything. I forgave her in my heart but I don't think I could ever even be friends with her. I mean, if any friend demonstrated - proved - to me that their word, promise, commitment, vow was meaningless - worthless - I would take that as proof positive that that person is certainly no friend. I wouldn't want to be their friend any more.

Nothing has worked. and I am giving up.

Sorry about the long reply/re-cap. I do appreciate your input.

You're right, as usual, Gima. I'm starting to. But we were an inseperable almost self-contained unit. She was my life. Our marriage was my life.
But, I'm starting.

And, while I'm at it, with thanks to Gypsy, GAG, and GIMA, may I add:

Gucci, Greek, Coach, Sandi, Wifey, Puppy, Smiley, Dia, MAC-ct, etc....

HELP!