wow! thanks all of you for coming to my rescue on the meditation thing, i have got to start doing something like that to help with more positives
ok, i need advice here...
i am, quite frankly, very sick and tired of the hugs goodbye in the morning. i would like to be able to give h a friendly NON THREATENING kiss goodbye like we used to do. shoot - we never used to hug, just a cute peck and he was off. now if i lean towards that direction he purposely turns away - as if kissing me would be the most HORRIBLE thing in the world
should i come right out and ask if we could go back to just a nice little peck? a kiss goodbye does not mean i want to jump his bones, but it would mean that it would be closer to the NORM of how we once were
ugh...am i making too much of something? i have a habit of doing that
Don't ask - just give him a quick peck on the cheek, very nonchalantly - experiment and observe. And here, I'm going to share a secret with you I haven't put on the board before. Be forewarned, I have NO IDEA whether this stuff actually works or not - but when things were bad with my H and I, I ordered some pheromones that you add to your perfume (from a place called Athena I think - you can find it on the internet). Not cheap - about $100 - and I felt like a fool doing it - but my H did gradually warm to me after that. Maybe I just felt more self-confident - maybe I was just wearing perfume more often - maybe it was just all my other DBing. Who knows? Desperate times call for desperate measures.(Perfume recommendation - Indecence by Givenchy - I've never worn a perfume that so many men complimented me on before).
I know exactly what you're talking about. I know that I needed to see my H become more affectionate. I needed him to begin giving me the "just for no reason" kiss on the top of my head or cheek JUST so I would feel like the distance between us was closing.
The way it began for me is I started "touching" again. I began (which I hadn't done for years) just touching his shoulder as I went past him or reaching out and lightly touching his arm when making a point in a light hearted chat AND I began kissing him on HIS cheek just for no damn reason as I left the room or walked off in the yard or something....and guess what? Yep, he started doing the same. It seems in many ways that they don't initiate touch because THEY feel dirty from what they've done and crazy as it sounds they are hesitant to touch us with their self perceived "unclean hands" T2
ellie - thank you so much for coming by my thread!!! it is SO FUNNY that you mentioned the pheremones because i have actually looked into them, but like you felt a little STRANGE and silly to even venture into that department. but hearing they MIGHT have worked is enough for me to give it a try! LOL - thanks for the suggestion of perfume. i have actually been looking for something new because i have tired of the anne klien ii that i have used for YEARS and i think a shake up is needed - please visit ANYTIME!!!!
t2 - the "touching" has definitely started, especially since our conversation about 10 days ago where i asked him if he could be more affectionate and he said he could. maybe i am just trying to rush things. but like ellie said, i could try it and monitor the results. i am guessing that i am feeling a little rejection and i don't like that feeling.
but your thoughts on
Quote: It seems in many ways that they don't initiate touch because THEY feel dirty from what they've done and crazy as it sounds they are hesitant to touch us with their self perceived "unclean hands"
i believe is SO ON THE MONEY. i really feel that he is loathing himself.
let me tell you all something kinda comical. my hubby for the last two weeks has been dealing with bladder troubles. he was at the dr twice and they couldn't find an infection but on sunday he actually passed a stone. when my hubby called his parents to let him know what happened, his father got on the phone and told him to right away go to the hospital and get his "thing" checked out cause that could really damage the "goods"
my husband told me what his dad said and then he said to me "i actually hope it IS damaged because it has gotten me into more trouble than i care to even think about"
i had to laugh inside, i didn't outside. he is now at the point that he is blaming his "thing" for his unappropriate behaivor - men (sorry guys)
but see, his view of sex is REALLY warped right now. he feels his entire life he has been lead around by his "thing" and he doesn't need to use it anymore. not even with his wife. to him, it's nasty and dirty.
is that warped or what?
gosh, i can't even believe i am sharing this with you all!!!!
Wow, Kitti, how totally introspective on your H's part... maybe you could validate this and ASK HIM what the two of you could do to make him feel like it is NOT nasty or dirty, as well as how you could get back to it being wonderful and loving, not dirty and trouble making... Maybe you should have this convo together in the shower... or wherever!
Relax. Appreciate. Be calm. Laugh. Enjoy. Be secure. Be loving. Be loved. Don't personalize. Don't ASSume. Accept. Be grateful.
Okay, I had to laugh at your H's comment about his "thing"...although kidney stones are NO laughing matter!!! :crazy Trust me on that one!
Okay, it's official, my memory is shot...all I can remember is Ellie...Wait! YES!
The Pheremones!
Tooo funny...for YEARS I used the ads for Athena in a "critical thinking" exercise with my Psych classes. It was all based on anecdotal evidence, looked very much like a placebo effect to me.
Then Aug 2002, a team in Great Britain finally did a double blind test and damned if the stuff doesn't work!!! Essentially it evokes relaxation in the wearer (and no doubt a boost of confidence) which IS sexy!!
Now I use this as a lesson in NOT deciding anything until the evidence is in!!!
Thank you for all of your kind words yesterday. I actually told David you said I was the sunshine here. I said what a nice thing to say and he said yes, I said if these people like me how/why could my two closest friends do what they did to me last year? He said I have no idea. I said how do I deal with those emotions he said post and ask.
I think it is a good sign from him that he realizes what my two closest friends did do to me last year.
Ok, your thread!
I wanted to thank you and say I think the idea of validating and talking with your h sounds like a good one. Maybe between the two of you there will be some ideas to turn his thinking around!
BTW I hope I didn't ruin your evening. I am so sorry for yesterday.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Essentially it evokes relaxation in the wearer (and no doubt a boost of confidence) which IS sexy!!
