Well... I'm back. I fell off the wagon. I got comfortable. She didn't leave... Well, at least not physically. I used the advice of all and it worked very quickly, but I didn't follow through and it all melted away very quickly too. We had another episode of "I'm done. I don't love you. I want a divorce. If we didn't have this house, I would leave immediately. I'm further away this time than before." Well... we worked on it yet again... Well, that should be "I" and "I" really didn't work too hard. We've had our run-ins, some rather nasty, but other times it is somewhat sterile. We never ML, she never says ILY, but oddly enough, she talks about a future with me in it, sleeps with me, doesn't talk about leaving except last Friday night she told me a part of her still wants to be gone. And last night at MC, she said that one foot was out the door. The issues at hand are my parenting style and my tone of voice. There was an issue with my drinking, but not so much anymore... She never throws that one at me, and I haven't drank in a couple of weeks... even when she and her friend were having refreshments on the deck the other night. We did ML that night, but I think I was in bed with Smirnoff.
Tonight we talked and she said she wasn't sure she could commit to trying any more. I said, well, we have all of our cards on the table. The analogy she used was like Go Fish. I asked for her Queen, and she gave it to me... and I tore it up. I sked for her Jack... Same thing... Over and over. ow she has very few cards left and she's not about to give them to me. She told me to get some scotch tape and start taping up those cards and give them back to her. Then shortly after, she told me it was neck and neck on whether she wanted to be alone with her kids or be with me as a family. I told her that I wanted her happy, and she asked if I wanted her happy even if that means not being with me. I told her of course I want her to be happy regardless. She said her biggest fear was that she would not get back that loving feeling... Says she hasn't had it in months. I had feelings of panic settng in but tried to control it. She told me that I just don't want to end it... And i told her she was right... I don't. I asked her what my good qualities were and she replied: committed, good hearted, faithful, well-intentioned... The bad are differnt parenting styles, not listening to her, talking over her... and being in two different places in life with my kids either in college or later in high school and hers being younger. She said I really didn't want to deal with a young family. There's more... but I will stop here for now.
Okay, so you asked for my insight. I don't think you will like it very much. I've read both threads now.
In my opinion...you started making the comments about DR being for first marriages because you are looking for someone/something to blame for things "not working out" rather than, well...make changes in yourself.
It sounds to me like your wife is giving you a hell of a lot of leeway here...that she wants it to work, that she's really trying to give you a chance, and being clear about it. She sounds pretty smart to me. I liked her analogy about the cards. With her past, it sounds like she is trying to set healthy boundaries for her and her daughters...and would like you to be a part of the family, but you have work to do.
You admitted you've said the right stuff and then fell off the wagon. Let me tell you something. Saying things doesn't change a damn thing. Changing the way you behave does.
Two things:
It would seem first and foremost, you need to look at how much drinking is the issue, and is affecting the other issues. I'm married to an alcoholic and I don't have the right words to tell you how much it sucks. You sort of hint about it here...what's the real story? How much do you drink? And what do you intend to do about it? Because if the answer is nothing...then this R is probably doomed along with any other R's you have. Including the one with your son.
Second...focus on other people's feelings. You are consumed with your own panic about her saying she doesn't feel in love with you anymore. Ok. So what about her feelings? Her daughters' feelings? Your son's feelings? Put YOUR feelings aside and concentrate on the others in your life...not to avert crisis, but because it's right.
My husband declares his love for me...and treats me badly. So which shall I believe?
breakaway... I hear you, and you're right. I guess I just want the quick fix, and that's just not going to happen.
My problem with drinking is not NOT being able to not drink at all, but drinking too much when I do drink. So, yes... that's a problem.
Right now, I'm in a really paranoid spot. Maybe she does want to be with me. But it seems like she's one step away from being gone, and I'm really feeling under the microscope. It's a bit hard to operate there. I'm sure it isn't really an attractive quality either.
My problem with drinking is not NOT being able to not drink at all, but drinking too much when I do drink. So, yes... that's a problem.
I think that is "script" for most alcoholics, but one way to prove it is to see how long you can go without drinking any at all. That will tell the story.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
That's good. How did your W act during those two weeks? Was she looking for you to pick up another drink or did she act relaxed? Or....could you tell any difference?
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
She reacted well... She and her friend had drinks on the deck and nvited me, but I politely declined. We went on a Sunday outing and I declined again. She had asked me to go on a diet with her (South Beach). It was very much like the diet I am on when I am "eating clean." I was very happy that she asked me to do this with her, as we have had bad episodes in the past about diet. She told me that she needs my help in keeping her focused and reminding her not to snack. The first two weeks are the strict ones. Well, that's a losing battle. We got in two semi-major altercations because I said something. On our Sunday outing, she wanted some tater tots and I told her no... I wasn't doing that, as I was sticking to the diet. That was too much for her. She ended up in tears because I couldn't throw caution to the wind. I'm "exhausting." I'm a "stickler." Even writing this right now is exhausting for me... She asked me to build a relationship with her daughters. I have recently been doinf much better. Then she calls me and tells me not to try too hard. I'm not sure I can hone in on that sweet spot that is neither too little nor too much...
I can tell you from personal experience....never agree to "help" your W stay focused on her diet b/c she may kill you before it's over. You deifinatly are the "heavy" in that case. All you can really work on is you and I think she felt inspired when you went those two weeks that you proved you did not "need" a drink and it made her feel good. So, why not continue to do that except for a rare social drink? Just do it for yourself and to make her feel good about you. But don't fall into that weight trick b/c it doesn't work between M couples....lol.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
She's away on a business trip. I took her to the airport yesterday late morning. I stayed home from work, as it didn't make sense to drive back and forth. We had a good morning. ML in the morning... She told me she loved me when she left and I was dropping her off at the airport. Texted me a couple of times calling me babe and signing off with Love U... I don't get how someone can tell someone with so much passion that they don't love them anymore and turn around and be silly, nice, communicative, make love and say "I love you." I just don't get it.
