Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis My Wifes MLC

A quick question does the mid-life crisis only happen to people who don't have much self-awreness ?

steve, if I may,

I see some similarities between your W and my X. My X's mlc began with her wanting to go our with the girls from work a couple of times a week with the excuse she needed to build relationship with them as they work for her. They are all a bit younger than X. She would always leave me with the kids often calling last minute and not come home when she said she would. Her children had been the focus of her life up until this time.

She met a freshly divorced guy while out with these girls who ran in the same group of singles. Yes, the rest were all single, some divorced. She married him a couple of weeks ago.

You sound stronger in many ways than I was. They do become very immature and selfish, as if they are 16 again. They often repeat patterns established by their parents. I'm about 3 years into this with my X and everytime I think it can't get worse it does. I once read mlcs last from 3 to 5 years. I begun to expect hers to last 6. That's breaking a basic rule of "no expectations."

For now you are not keeping her from what she wants. When she sees you as standing in the way of what she believes will bring her happiness she will turn on you.

I cannot stress the following statement enough.

EXPECT THE WORST.

If the "worst" happens you'll be better prepard and if it doesn't you'll be pleasantly surprised. A win/win sitch for you.

Get counseling for yourself if you wish but expect NOTHING from her going. Mine went to a few sessions with me at the beginning and look where we are.

You'll survive, you may even grow. Love your kids as much and as often as you can. You may be all they have for a while.

sleeper,

Thanks for your comments.

I'm hearing her talk like a child and it is starting to irritate me. That plus the constant going out and acting like a teenager at 33 is imo bizarre.

Atm I'm wondering if the best thing that could happen would be a divorce. Is it worth fighting for someone who is emotionally unstable and immature. I get better conversations from my 8 y.o. daughter than my wife.

I do feel a lot stronger now but the past 2 months have been hell. A complete change in personality & focus in someone with who you sleep in the same bed with is pretty tough.

Another issue with this whole thing is that her mother and dad are married but live in seperate countries and rarely see each other. Imo this is a divorce in everything but name and I'm not going to accept this. A marriage imo should be about 2 people living together happily for both their benefits.

My main concern though is with the kids - I'm unsure what to do. Any advice on how to handle the children situation would be appreciated.

Childhood issues seem to be the common theme. How was her relationship with her father? Somewhere along the line her emotional growth, and yes, I guess you could say self awareness too has be stunted.

She has reached a point in life where she must now deal with this. So on an emotional level, back in time she goes. I can't say for how long, but things get crazy and in her eyes, the pain, confusion and hopeless feelings she has are all your fault.

Keep reading, keep learning. Your wife didn't ask for this and you have no clue of the hell she is going through on the inside right now.

This decision is all yours. If you had some issues and were emotionally unstable for a time, what would you want her to do? Read and learn, the longer you stick around the more this will change you for the better as well. My only advice is not to mention a divorce unless you want one.



You are all they have right now. So it's time to really step up when it comes to this, which I'm sure your already doing. This will bring you so much closer to them.

Never speak negatively about your wife in front of them. You carry the burden, tow the line and be their shield when it comes to this. They need you now like never before. Place your focus on them and improving yourself. You can only control you.

You may DB like a pro and things still may not work out like you want them to. There are no promises here. The only thing I can say to you is this will change you so much for the better if you allow it to.

All your saying here makes sense. Her father loves her but I don't think he has ever been one to face issues as they are. For instance I have spoken to him about what is happening and he blames it all on me. In his mind she just needs space and her behaivour is a reaction to me.

I don't see that - her reaction is a reaction to her trying to deal with herself. She was sexually abused as a child and her parents never did anything about it - no counselling, no support - nothing. I have got her to go to a counsellor but I don't think she really worked these issues out. Her mother just upped & left the kids and has consistently run my wife down throughout her life.

I feel sorry for her and I have handled this badly but her behaivour has not been the behaivour of a rational adult trying to deal with their issues / happiness. I think she feels to get rid of the pain / unhappiness she needs something else. The pain she is feeling can only be resolved by her working on herself - but she will have to figure this out.

Your comments have really helped me - I know I am bonding with the kids much more. She is hardly with us at all - even if she is in the house she just isn't focussed.


I am also starting to think about my life - as I have already stated I feel like an adult married to a child. I'm not sure if that is what I want. Throughout the relationship I have tried to push her to get more interests but my suggestions are adult interests - reading, chess, bridge, exercise, sport etc. All she seems interested in is talking & acting like a teenager or even younger.

I now have to change my thinking - how do I deal with my wife now, what do I want, whats good for the kids.

I think I've always been pretty strong & independent - for the last 2 months I have really struggled because I have been trying to deal with a problem that is outside my control. I don't know who has been through this but I haven't been sleeping, eating, going out to participate in my sport or been focussed at work - I have been stressed out of my mind. I now seem to be coming out of this and getting to a better place. I don't think though that my wife is going to come out of this anytime soon.

Try not to talk to family members (yours or hers) about your sitch except as absolutely necessary. It usually just makes things worse, especially if you reconcile later, and polarizes everyone. Families usually take the side of their own relatives against in-laws, no matter how wrong their actions.


Bingo! Your W has MAJOR issues left from her childhood, sounds like. This is what MLC is about: having those unfinished childhood issues catch up to the adult, and having to face them (sooner or later; they usually run away from the issues with great speed for a while [sometimes years] before they can bring themselves to face them). Often in MLC they regress (in some ways) to the age they were when the issues developed. That's why so many MLCers look, sound and act like teenagers with a huge chip on their shoulders. Sometimes they see you as the "parent" and therefore, like teenagers, feel a need to rebel against you...sometimes the best thing in that case is to stop giving them anything to fight you about.

You CANNOT help her through this process; she has to figure it out herself. The best you can do is to avoid getting in the way of her working through it. In other words, you can make her crisis worse, but you can't make it better (and I second the comment from someone else that you absolutely must not use any kind of physical force, violence, intimidation or coercion on her, ever! BIG NO-NO!!). Be kind, helpful, and pleasant whenever reasonably possible, as you would be to any stranger...but don't think you can solve this problem for her.


When you know better, you can do better. Read the MLC resources on this forum, read DR, read everything you can find on MLC. Then do better.

If you can scrape together the money, I highly recommend that you get at least one session with a DB coach (more sessions would be even better). Those people are worth their weight in gold to those of us who find ourselves here. I had six sessions with Jody, myself, and both my own experience, and everything I've heard about them, on these boards and in the alt, have been universally positive. The DB coaches REALLY help you figure out what you need to do and feel better about yourself and what you are already doing, and they give you hope.

Try to avoid letting her see any materials you are investigating to help with your M, such as DR and related books, this site, charges for DB coaching, etc. They tend to try to skewer you with it if they find out about the avenues you are pursuing to save your M before they are all the way through the MLC.


See above discussion on what is involved in MLC. She has a huge mess to sort out, but she has to do it herself. Nobody can offer her a shortcut to the process, because there isn't any. This is why you will see on these forums, over and over and over, how important it is to detach from her craziness and work on making YOURSELF a better person...for YOU, not for her. GAL. Look after your kids. Protect yourself financially. Use this opportunity to become a better person, not for her or even for your M...but for you. Only make changes that you want to keep for the rest of your life. In other words, things that you think make you a better person, whether she is in the picture or not. If you restore your M, that is a bonus...the goal is to restore yourself. Remember that all you can control is YOU...so do it!

I hope this helps. Take care of yourself.

Peace,
Dawn

Thanks for all the support.

I'm still stuggling to know what to do with the kids. For instance can I leave them with her / for how long can I leave them with her ?

Oddly enough, having a spouse in MLC means that even though our spouses are the ones in crisis, we are the ones who are faced with the pop quiz (maybe more like the pop final exam worth 80% of our grade!). We are the ones who are forced to learn and grow and change for the better. We become better people, even if we are dragged into it kicking and screaming. Some of the MLCers _never_ grow into better people...but we LBS's do.


We cross-posted, and I had to laugh when I read this, because just about the time you posted this, I had been typing my comments about the MLCer regressing and becoming like a teenager! I know, going through it isn't funny at all, and I wasn't laughing at you...more like laughing at the synchronicity of the universe.


Yes, you do have to change your thinking. She is "checked out" and you can't trust her to be responsible about anything. You will have to adjust to the idea of flying solo for a while, even if she is still living in the house with you. The trouble is that even though she is behaving like a teenager, it is not in your best interests to try to establish a parent-child type of R with her. This is one of the reasons MLC is so difficult--there is no precedent for a R between two people who are supposed to be adults and equal, when one is acting like a child but without the disadvantage of mental or physical illness that causes a temporary emergency sitch where it is appropriate for you to take control entirely (although some people think of MLC as a mental illness, it isn't quite the same thing). It's a minefield you have to navigate.


This is one of those things that we all have to face, and for some it is harder than for others. We would all like to believe that if we just tried hard enough, we could fix anything and everything. For some of us, having a spouse in MLC is the first time we have had to face the fact that there are some things that are simply not going to change due to our efforts, no matter how hard we try. THIS IS NOT WITHIN YOUR CONTROL. The sooner you truly accept this and adjust yourself to it, the easier it will be for you (not to say easy--but easier than it would be otherwise). If you continue to fight and deny the fact that it is out of your hands, it will make it that much more difficult for you.

Accept. Accept that this is not your journey, it is hers. Accept that all you can control is YOU. Then figure out how you can improve yourself and your life, with those things that you CAN control. I think you are already starting to do this, but it is a long and hard process to accept that no matter how much you love someone and want to help them, in some cases, there is absolutely nothing you can do for them. I hear this is a common theme of parenting, especially in the teenage years.


Brother, I'm pretty sure everyone on this board has been through this. I quit sleeping for more than about half an hour a day for two weeks after the bomb, and because of that I developed a tremor that I thought might be permanent. Before I started sleeping again and realized that the tremor was caused by the lack of sleep, I thought I was going to have to close down my business and change careers entirely if I lived through this (I am a professional calligrapher, so steadiness of hand is vitally important in my work).

I haven't been able to complete a project by its originally scheduled time in over two years, and have lost good clients because of that. I still have to kick myself pretty hard, even now, to get myself out of the house for anything short of firm appointments with someone else, so I often don't make it to gatherings, events, or even church; I even have trouble getting to the grocery store before I'm totally out of food. Procrastination was always one of my issues, but it went completely off the charts at the bomb, and I haven't been able to rein it in yet. My depression doesn't help; I often go four or five days when I don't go any farther than the mailbox or even get dressed. If it weren't for my cats, I'd probably have days when I didn't even get out of bed.

I lost over 20 pounds in six weeks at the time of the bomb (and that was over 15% of my total body weight), because I developed a sudden, raging case of both anorexia _and_ bulimia. I went from thin in the normal/healthy range to almost emaciated--people were telling me I was too thin, for, I think, the first time in my life.

I am not telling you all this to make it all about me. I'm telling you because my experience is an example of what is NORMAL here on this board--most people here have dealt with things like this when they got the bomb, and some of them have had to deal with a lot more than I have.

As best I can tell, women usually lose about 20 pounds and men usually lose 30 pounds or more on what we fondly call the "MLC diet"--which is, oddly enough, not followed by the MLCer, but by their spouse. This is not a healthy way to get thin, and the weight will all come back again, but with a higher percentage of fat, when you start to feel less stressed, if you don't make some changes NOW to be healthier. Try to take better care of yourself. Try to do for yourself what you would want a friend to do if they were going through something like this. You would encourage your friend to eat right, keep up their exercise and other forms of self-care, to get meds to help them sleep if necessary, to see their doctor if it seemed appropriate. Be your own friend and treat yourself kindly.


Good. It's hard work, but keep at it.


It helps to accept that and move forward (which is not the same as giving up on your W or your M; it just means that you are emotionally detaching from her madness so that it doesn't keep throwing you off balance, and you are concentrating on becoming a better person, like we talked about before). This is, sad to say, an excruciatingly long process...no matter how long it takes in real time, it feels decades longer. Make it your goal to use this time wisely, and take this opportunity to really work on yourself and become the best person you can.

Peace,
Dawn