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aliveandkicking:

i agree, there are definitely hidden blessings in all of our sitchs. i guess we just have to find them! i can understand how having your H in contact so much can be a total headwreck, it all goes back to wanting what you cant have, i dont have his attention at all, so i want it. when he was in contact with me thru email a few weeks ago, i told him that i didnt want to see him anymore so i really screwed myself over. thats my fault and i wish i never said it but i did and i cant change that. i just hope he didnt take it seriously.

thanks for telling me that he cares and thinks about me. even though i dont know you, and even though those words arent coming from him, it made me feel really good just to hear someone say it and has got me a bit teary-eyed.

thank you for those words, you have no idea how much that meant to me..

I think that was probably the best thing you could have done. You MUST focus on getting your sh*t together. Farting around with him would only impede your ability to do that. That was a move toward self-preservation IMO and you can stop beating yourself up. If there is potential for your M, trust me it will happen. First, you've got to grow up and get better.



You're welcome. I DO know because they were said to me and I remember the feeling. Most people make drastic moves to do something to you, they take those actions because they have something they need to handle...make sense? Like you didn't tell him to leave you alone because you wanted to do something TO him, you are taking care of yourself. Right now, he is taking care of himself in his own way. Does not mean he doesn't care.

Do YOUR work. That is your mission right now.

oh god this has been such a horrible day.
i messed up so badly.
i was hit with a day long crying spell that isnt going away.
i tried to clean my room, i tried to listen to music, i tried to watch a movie, i tried to go for a walk, i tried to go outside, sit and just be but the crying wouldnt go away. everytime i went to do somethng, i thought i would be ok and it'd stop but it never did. i dont know why im feeling like this today.
so because i was so emotional and it wouldnt go away, i messed up badly by emailing my H HUGE MISTAKE i know. i couldnt stop myself, i was crying and crying and crying and my emotions got the better of me. i didnt say anything mean in the email, i didnt plead and beg for him to come back, just told him i missed him etc etc but i know thats still pursuing behavior. i couldnt control it today. it was so tough and im kicking myself for letting it happen.

i have to get back on track. i havent stopped crying, my eyes are stinging and my head is pounding. maybe i feel this way because its sunday. i notice i dont feel too well on sundays. maybe its because i feel like its the end of something. i think it stems from when i was a kid, my best friends and girl cousins would come over every weekend, sleep over, and then leave on sunday and i would feel really sad because i was the only girl in the family and when they would leave, i felt alone again. maybe thats it. well whatever it is that is making me feel this way, i really need to do something about it because im just spiraling backwards today.

i thought the medication was going to help me a bit with the crying and feeling low but it hasnt seemed to work yet even tho ive been on them for a month. maybe it takes longer than that.

the good thing is i have an IC appt tomorrow and am hoping to feel a bit better. i thought i was doing so well, i have to learn how to stop the "bad days" from ruining all of the progress ive made. ive gotta go make a list for this week or something. i need to do something to make me feel better.

I really don't think it's a big deal that you emailed. This so not about him anyway. Just move forward. It almost seems like you are rebelling just because you aren't "supposed to email"...so fine, email, get it out and move on. Don't waste energy feeling bad about it, just get back to you now.

IC sounds good.

We all have bad days. Per SP, "embrace the suck" and tomorrow's a new day. I have a book on it's way I'm excited about. I'll let you know if it is any good. It is called "Get out of your mind and into your life"...

Beepee

Don't beat yourself up for e-mailing your H. Each of us has done something like this. It kinda goes with the territory but you will get better at detaching as time goes on.

The crying WILL get better. I had myself a little crying jag today and now have a little Crying Headache (but not the eyes, thankfully!). I find that when you are doing well you WILL suddenly get a wave of sadness. It is human and it is better to get it out. If you suppress it you will have to deal with it later. I just realised that you are on meds but perhaps you can talk to your doctor if you are concerned.

No, the bad days won't ruin your progress. It is a sucky situation for us all to be in but it WILL get better with time. That is all I can say right now.

((( Hugs)))

I think after a month you have a pretty good idea of what the med you're on will do for you. It sounds like you may need an adjustment to a higher dosage or if not that (if you're already on an adequate dosage) then maybe another med. I have a family member that took 3 or 4 different trys of different meds before they found one that worked, and I've heard about that happening to others also.

When I started on ADs after the bomb, I had to see my dr. about once a month for maybe 3 months. I think they do that to adjust doses (they usually start out with a low dose) or switch meds if there's complications or they don't work well. I think if you had the right med at the right dose that Dbing would be a lot easier for you.


Karen

aliveandkicking:
thanks for your support and advice. i heard about that book, let me know what its like, id like to pick it up at the library maybe.

Kara:
thanks for your support! you're right, the i was doing well and the waves of sadness do come and i feel like its a step backwards but i have to learn to deal with it better when it starts to come on. i do allow myself to feel the pain tho, because i know thats important in order to move on. the crying has gotten a lot better for the past couple of weeks but for some reason, today's spell was ridiculously long and hard to break! im over it now tho which i great, my eyes arent totally stinging anymore! im going to talk to my C who prescribes the meds on Friday and tell her how im feeling.

Karen43:
i was started on 100mg, and then 200mg and then when it was determined that my depression was severe a few weeks ago, they doubled it to 400mg. i dont feel that much different with the dosage change, maybe i should give it another week. either way, ill talk to my C about it Friday. and yes, DBing would be much easier when i dont feel so depressed! but im making progress and im trying to continue

Hi, beepee,

Here's another voice on the anti-Ds. My sister has finally accepted that she will probably need to be on them for the rest of her life. She went through several before she found one that really seemed to work for her and it happened to be Wellbutrin. Hang in there, and don't be afraid to ask for a switch if you've given one a good go and it's not helping.

Hi Dia!
thanks for stopping by. i am actually on Wellbutrin and i really thought it would work. it seems to work amazingly well for everyone i know who's taken them. we'll see what happens. i think ill give it a bit more time. i dont want to give up on it too quickly, esp when ive already made it this far. but i know that theres no point on staying on ones that arent working. We'll see! i think ill give it another couple of weeks and see how i feel then! thanks again for sharing

Journaling:

so im feeling much better now after emailing back and forth with the H, we got a lot of feelings out that we've been wanting to say and he's told me more about this life than ever before (since he left). im really glad to hear about it but it just sucks cause i know hes having a really hard time with his living situation. but he's a big boy, he can handle it. i would love to help him but i know that he doesnt want my help..well he said "if i dont want your help, its not because i dont want your help, its because i need time to sort through my thoughts"

i appreciate that and i wont smother him anymore with offers to help. i understand more now about how he feels. and althought i thought i ruined everything by contacting him, it turned out to be positive. i think this is what i really needed to really start moving on. im ready now. i wasnt so ready before when i started DBing, but im confident that i am ready now. ready to move on and GAL, ready to embrace my life again and get back on track. i will be patient from now on, and i will not let the waves of sadness dictate how my day will turn out. i will try even harder to get over the pain, even though i have to go for a walk crying, ill do it, even though i cry while vacuuming my room, ill still do it. i wont let it get to me anymore.

im ready for my love affair with life again.