Thanks OD. you are so right. I need to remove the panic and take control. I texted him this a.m. and told him I had to go into work early. He called right away, but I didn't answer. Waited about 2 hours then rang him back. He was annoyed that I didn't tell him earlier so he could swing by b4 I left. (or maybe that I wasn't jumping on his phone call?) He really wants his work papers for Monday so he wanted the files ready to pick up Sunday a.m.. He asked when it can happen and I said maybe tomorrow. So I just got off work and I'm dead tired. It's already 8. I have 3 kids to feed and dogs to walk. So I don't think I'll pull the house together by tomorrow a.m. either. I could put the files on a dvd and walk it out to his car when he comes. Then schedule a different time for him to get his tools. I think that's the best plan. Then I only need to beautify myself and not the entire homestead. This is so nuts, this is the worst the house has every looked and it's not the change I need him to see! We weren't on the phone long, and he seemed pissed. I kept it very short. At this point I'm sure he's expecting me to press him to get together or something. Last time we spoke, 3 wks ago, he had sounded really glad to hear from me and we had a nice long convo - until I asked him out for a drink. Don't know why he's so cranky right now. Maybe he's upset that he had to break down and call me cuz he didn't hear from me. ? I know ...... don't bother wasting mental energy guessing what's up with the ex! I spent some time making huge cuts and edits on the longest letter ever. I'm tempted to give it to him. That's a big NO right? I cut away the melodramatics and got it down to 3 pages. Excerpts: ".... I won’t deny that it is disappointing, but understandable. I move on with a clear conscience knowing that I would have been a willing partner in the quest for a good and healthy relationship. " " I know what work must be done on myself. If you ever wanted to be with me, I would come to you with an open & humble heart. I have learned a lot about myself and relationships by contemplating ours. This knowledge may have never reached me if we hadn’t separated. However painful it has been, it brought about some good for me. I acknowledge my contributions of wrong doing that have brought us to this place. And just as important, I forgive you for yours. Beyond the implication I expressed here I will never speak about reconnecting with you again. You know my feelings, if you didn’t know my inclinations before, you should hear that clearly now. Despite what I want, I do hear you and understand that I am not what you want. I will respect that and will not suggest it again. I accept that reality at this point. I do not wish to put you under any pressure or stress."
No good DBing, is it? I don't have his address. This is possibly the last couple times we will see each other and I feel I have soooo much to say to him. Shysta. What to do.
k. he's comin b 4 11. No letter. I'll meet him outside. I didn't get a chance to burn a dvd. I'll let him access later to get his stuff from basement, so I have one last chance to decide about the letter. He can't be out of the house 5 months and expect me to jump to get him stuff and allow him access to my computer on a 2 day notice. Of course if he'd called a week ago when the house when in perfect order, I would have loved for him to come. But not this week. heck no. It's depressingly messy. Since I'm preparing to move, it's understandable. But if he sees the house, I want it to be the best reminder of our life together and want it to tug at his heart strings just a bit. Honestly if he saw it right now, he'd think I've gone to he## since he left!
Just a quick post as I have to run, but good job on taking control of the situation a bit. I wouldn't give him the letter- IMO three pages is still a very long letter and the excerpts seem to me as though they are designed to provoke an emotional reaction from him. I personally think that now isn't the time to be doing it- you both are clearly hurting and upset and your focus at the moment should be on reducing negative feelings, rather than anything else.
You're making an assumption that these will be the last two times you'll see each other. I would say that since he even says himself that he still loves you that that's unlikely.
And yes, don't try t think about why he might have been annoyed. He was annoyed- let him be if he wants to but don't let it affect you!
You're doing really well- just keep going. And read Brandnewday's back-posts!
thanks again. I really need the encouragement. I'm working 6 days a wk and have the pets and a kid. If thats not too much busy already, now I'm spending 1 day a wk looking for a new apartment. I am going to read brandnewday's posts when I can get the time! I did read some others at your suggestion and it helped snap me up. The light bulb is finally on. No letter, you are right again. We had a 2 wk breakup 3 yrs ago and the letter I gave him did bring him back to my door. But this is much more serious and I have messed up too much already. He came to drop the flash drive. I gave him his mail, it was short. He wasn't annoyed. Just as I came out to meet him, my upstairs neighbor & a couple of his kids came down. He and Mark talked a bit. Weird timing and it prevented us from having any convo really. The universe intervenes again, protecting me from myself! I was smiley and light. I asked how he's doing and he replied "yes mon, I'm good." That was it. He looked at ? my beads, my dress, my stomach... couldn't tell. I could see a moment of pain on his face at that second. I told him to have good day and went back inside. I resisted the urge to throw my arms around him. He was a sight for sore eyes, let me tell you. This a.m. I left him a message that the drive is ready, but that i'm out apt. hunting so I'll check in with him another day about the pickup. I'm going to stall his trip into the basement for stuff until my house in order. I need a few hours to do that and it won't be early this week at least.
Just this a.m. I noticed his number in my missed calls from last night. He didn't leave a message. It's just a return about a the flash, I'm sure. I'm going to text him, but he'll want to come for it right away once I do, so I'm waiting until I've walked dogs, had coffee, showered, & dressed for the day. Don't want him to see my sleepy face or my dirty hair, lol! Took him 12 hours to return my call. hmmm.... Well he's busy too. I'm not going to agonize over what he's doing. Seems I'll see him later this a.m. I must have surprised him the other day by not asking if he wants to get together or trying to hold him or tell him I miss him. I can see he's sad. But he is stubborn and lots of pride, he'd never admit it. Funny that at the time he was calling me, I was at work but thinking about doing something outrageously out of character - like baking a nectarine pie and then giving him a slice to go when he comes over. Well i have no nectarines, have no idea how to bake a pie, and don't want the oven on in this heat. Just a funny fantasy. Coincidence that he called just as I was imagining giving him some homemade sweet surprise. I was too busy with the fantasy to hear the phone ring! haha.
he's on his way. any minute now. i'll meet him outside, like the other day. I am wearing a shirt I wore the summer we met. And the same scent. He won't notice that consciously, but hope it triggers aome fond memories in his bain. It will no doubt be brief. I hand him the drive, ask how he is. That's likely it. sign
done. I was sitting on the stoop waiting when he pulled up. He parked and was coming up but I met him at the car. Gave him the drive and he asked a few ? about it. He's not tech inclined in the least. He wanted to be sure that the estimate sheets & invoices that I designed for him were included. He asked which pics went on and I {lied} & said I didn't have time to look at them, just put the whole file on so I don't know what's there, but surely the work pics were there. {he wanted his work pics, but I put all pics of us & our kids together as well} I asked about his son and he talked a bit about the summer program he's in. He did look me in the face this time. Again he was wearing a shirt I got him- when I traveled to Nepal last year. I also gave him his favorite tea. I was in his country a few months ago & got it in case he was ever over and I could impress him by making it. But I hate it and there's not much chance that he'll be here drinking a cup of tea anytime soon, so I gave it to him. Also gave him one of my new products. I talked about making the product co. for years and he was frustrated that I didn't launch it. So I wanted to show off. I gave him one and he looked only slightly surprised and said thanks. But seriously.... he had to be VERY surpriseed that I have actually done it! I know I look good cuz I was getting looks from a few men so he had to have noticed too. I was relaxed, happy, & claimed to be leaving for a meeting so had to get going. {I am totally faking it, but it looks real!} He said if we can't find a time for him to come get his things that I could get it all organized for him. I replied that I don't even know what all is his so he'll have to come. We'll have to speak again now in order for that to happen. :-D Now I have very crazy mixed emotions. My eyes are welled up with tears. At the same time I'm so happy to have seen him, however briefly. He's so handsome, he looks great. I know how he should look in the a.m. headed to a dirty job, so I think he was trying to impress me too. This DB stuff is so counterintuitive. Acting as if all is well when I so badly want to tell him I want to be with him. Off to work now. Wiping away the tears and ready to face another busy day.
Sorry it was hard earlier, but it sounds like you did a great job, and good news that you'll have to see each other again. Another good opportunity to DB again.
His tea of choice is cerasse tea. It tastes like poison. I had always thought it was only for when you're sick & it detoxes and strengthens immune system. It's not easy to find, but when we had it he'd drink it every day. Yuck. I'd rather be sick, lol! When I went to his country, I brought him the raw herb & kept back a box of prepared bags in case he came over. Which tea do you prefer? You wouldn't like cerasse, I'm pretty sure! Guess what!? He called late eve. cuz he was having trouble finding & opening the docs on the flash. I was working late so asked if he wanted me to ring him back. It was nearly midnight when I reached him, saying technical support at your assistance. He's really useless with computer stuff, poor fella. It's like I'm speaking another language. I was respectful & patient and talked him thru it until he found & opened the work papers that he needed. He's bought a HP & some of the docs were in Appleworks so they won't open, but everything that he most needs is in word. I was thrilled that he needed my help. A few months ago, I don't think he would have asked for it. And if I'd thrown myself at him the past few times we spoke, he may not have risked it. I'll take it as a small step. AND.... seems there's no one nearby in his world who could help him. :-D I didn't linger beyond the help he requested, telling him to sleep well. I know it all centered on his need for the work papers, but I'll count it as one point for my team. I got to speak to him at both ends of the day, that's the most interaction we've had since he left 5 months ago. He lacked humor, sounded tired and little depressed. Just an observation. I was silly & happy. And I solved his problems.... ta da! Thanks much OD for posting on my thread. My journaling here is a useful therapy. But I do really appreciate your encouraging comments. blessings
Settling back into no contact today. Withdrawals. Good thing I was too busy to dwell on that. I forgot to mention fo him the super obvious, that he should carry the docs off the flash to this HD. He probably doesn't even know that. I may text him that tomorrow.
Still haven't found an apartment. Short staffed at work & working tons of hours leaves me only 1 day a wk to look. That's tomorrow. Going to see several places tomorrow. I'm getting nervous. Landlady served me a 30 day notice Aug. 1st. That whole situation is causing major anxiety. I stopped paying rent in June. There's so many health & safety problems in apartment that I just quit paying. Initially it was withholding to urge LL to remediate problems. Now I've given up on that and just want out. I've looked at about 50 places and can't find home. It cost me $12,000. to move into this place 4 yrs ago and due to a mixture of circumstances - I don't have that kind of money now. I'm very worried. I'm a single mom with 2 dogs & no longer have stellar credit that I had a couple years ago. This is a very stressful situation. I've seen sooo many horrible places it's discouraging. Kitchens are not living rooms, hallways are not living rooms, dining rooms are not bedrooms, walk-in closets are not bedrooms. In theory I don't feel sorry for my LL since she's letting major problems fester, but in reality it takes nerves of steel and I guess I don't have it. I had 3 months deposit which will be lived out by late Aug. I think LL owes me at least one free month for loss of belongings damaged, loss of utilities & amenities supposed to be included,out of pocket expenses, etc. Of course she doesn't agree. There's toxic mold in basement, rain water pouring in in 2 locations, termites in basement, broken window, entrance gate damaged so that it doesn't lock, I have human feces on the balcony that a angry & clearly disturbed upstairs tenant is dumping there. Makes me sad to see a gorgeous bldg fall into such condition. We've had hot water disconnected, then cooking gas meter reclaimed. No cooking for over 2 wks! This LL is terribly negligent and seems to not care about her tenant's health or safety at all. Even if LL fixed the 9 issues, I simply can't afford this huge beautiful place any longer. Mark last paid rent in Jan. I took a roommate after who couldn't pay his rent & had a drug problem so I had to pay a couple grand to get him into an apartment nearby just to get rid of him. Then my next roommate had a psychotic breakdown and I had to have her commtted to a mental institution. Her entire belngings are still here. I give up on the roommate idea, just need a cheaper place. Moved out of the home I'd shared w/ exh to live here and moved in with bf. At the time, I could have afforded rent alone but it's not the case anymore. Rent is nearly 3grand a month. My business is hanging on, but making 1/4 what it did 2 yrs ago. 2009 has been one thing after another. I have had some of the most trying experiences of my lifetime. (well nothing would ever match the experience my exh put me thru tho!) My next place will have to be cheaper which means much smaller. Therefore I have to get rid of 2/3 of my belongings. This is all so overwhelming! The reason my place looks so frightening now is cuz I'm organizing what I'll try to sell, what I'll donate, what I'll toss... I have lived in large spaces for a decade, I have accumulated a ton of stuff. The idea that I will have to unload it within the next 3 wks is freaking me out. Venting.... Way off topic! Wish Mark would ride up on his white horse and rescue me. Big Sigh..... There, now I'm back on topic.
