Hi Andrew, shoulda known you and Dark were still tight!
I agree with the quid pro quo. Not in any "gotcha!" kind of way, but out of respect for the recent acrimony and in the spirit of creating an new M for you both.
How do you plan to broach the idea...should do it carefully!
Never feel like you should have had some "magical moment" or "thing" you did to turn this around. I think it's a really great PMA boost to the folks who are at or near the brink like you were just as is!!!
To know that when you let go, accept the "inevitable", even get angry and crazy in court "ending it"...there is still a chance that our S will have an epiphany of sorts and change their minds.
Thanks for the reply. In the end I have decided not to do anyhting about it. Why bring up any antagonism over something that may never happen. This in itself is a 180 for me because once I would have analysed it, got into in depth discussions leading to her saying that I dont trust her, and so on.
When I look at it I can understand why she has brought it up (mind you it hasnt been mentioned for the last four days). She wants something that she can say she has done herself and to take ownership for. With her illness she did go through a period of hell in her early 20s (including hospitalisation for 6 months). Since then she has wanted to show people that she can achieve things - this is one of the things that I never understood leading up to our S and led to many of our problems. I dont think I was doing anything wrong but through this time I never took the simple step of looking at things from her perspective. Now I do and I can see many of her 'arguements' through the seperation. Mind you she did say to me if only I had approached things like I am now our seperation would have been much shorter . Mind you in my male perspective I did think (note not say) 'I wish you had told me this instead of dropping cryptic hints (Have to remember to get that inner eye working ).
Anyway our conversations are getting better and I can feel the trust coming back. Our conversations are always upbeat, happy and its great hearing the joy in her voice when we are talking again.
I am heading back to Australia within the month for two weeks and this is giving me soemthing to look forward to and she sounds excited to see me again. It is amazing the difference in a couple of months. After that we will spend time together at Christmas and the big step will be moving back into our house in Feb.
Anyway thats where I am at the moment. I miss her a lot but I am getting into the groove here.
Andrew
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To go forward you have to put the past behind you
SOO glad things continue to look up in your sitch.
I can now better relate to that aspect of your W, wanting to "claim" her business as her own.
I too suffered from a chronic illness (Ulcerative Colitis) from age 22, really through age 33. Four surgeries, repeated relapses, chronic pain.
It can play a number on you for sure. My ex-fiance dumped me after 10 years just weeks before my first surgery. I felt SOOOO dependent on my parents. Felt like my future would consist of living with them and being taken care of.
Of course that didn't happen, but it HAS been a struggle for me to establish my self in a career...I've been teaching at the university for 14 years, but it's contract, low pay, no benefits, no guarantee of a future.
If I'd built something of my own that I might be able to rely on for financial independence...I'd want to secure it too. It would be a matter of security (you NEVER know!!!) and more importantly, self identity and self esteem.
You have given me a bit of an in sight and in particular the point about the identity. My wife is funny at times, she has never had great self confidence in herself but she is a very good looking woman who used to do a lot of modelling. While she comes across as confident she inside has a lot of self doubts - most due to the illness that she went through.
She has gone through life thinking she has not achieved anything and knowing that she has always relied on other people to get by. So this business is more then money it is her way to say I have achieved somehting in life. She wants to be able to say to people that this is mine, I built it on my own.
Now I still do have my own insecurities, what if she is doing this to get independant enough to leave again. I know this is my mind playing games on myself, so I pull myself back by looking realisticly at the sitch. 180 for me is to support her as much as I can and take what she says on her word.
You have shown so much sterngth through your illness and pulling yourself up and succeeding in life on a number of fronts.
Thanks for your post it cleared some things up in my mind.
Andrew
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To go forward you have to put the past behind you
Just when you think everything is moving on a good path you get pulled back into the the old times. I was starting to get my trust back with the wife but things took a blow today.
For those that are familiar with my sitch a lot of our problems were over money and in particular my wifes ability to spend it. Through our seperation she was convinced that I was hiding money from her, which I wasnt. Through this period she also ran up debts of over 120,000 in addition to 60,000 she either took off me or i gave her.
When we got back together I said that I would fix up these debts but that I didnt have any money and as soon as it came in from the business I would do it. On top of this I have refinanced our property to get access to more money as well. We still dont have money from the business here but it is expected to be in by the end of next week and in addition the paperwork for the refinancing has taken a lot longer then it was suppowsed to as documents have to be sent from Australia to India and back.
In the interim I have been meeting some of the debts through borrowing off friends and family (over 15000). Now I know my wife is having a hard time as creditors are continually calling her chasing up mony. I have entered into agreements with most of them for repayment over the next few months.
Well today she has 'demanded' off me 25000 because she 'knows' that I am hiding it in assetts overseas. I tried to explain it to her that I am not but there is no convincing her. In the end she got very angry on the phone and started accusing me of affairs while we were together ans saying that I am living a high life in a mansion (which I definately am not). Every cent I have been able to get my hands on I have given to her even though my own debts continue to rise. After this she finished by saying that i am lying and manipulating her and have done so through our whole time together and then she hung up on me. I know this might just be pressure from the creditors talking but a whole bunch of red flags were waving at me (I heard so much of this through our seperation).
Through this call she said she loved me and that I was her best friend but that she just cant trust me . Like what the hell am I supposed to do. I had arranged another 15,000 for her to get some of the imediate debts done until I get business money and loan money in two weeks. But this isnt good enough for her.
Now I am confused about what to do. If I get this money for her she will just think that its from my secret stash and I will validate her behaviour of threatening me and yelling me to get moeny. Im in the worst catch 22. She tells me to be honest and that she 'knows' I have money stashed away. If I just give her money then she confirms this thinking, if I am honest and keep trying to explain to her that I dont have any and that it will be through next week she then is convinced that I am a liar.
To be honest today I just thought 'why the hell am I doing this to myself'. I talked to her father who understands what I am doing over here and he is going to try to talk to her (without letting her know that I have talked to him).
In the end I dont know what to do at the moment. Things were going well between us and now they seem to be at a stalemate and back to square one. I tried to reason with her but she has closed her mind. I dont mind going into debt for her because it will be paid out when the funds come in, but today for he first time I felt like becomming the walk away.
Anyway I would love your thoughts, I will talk to her tomorrow and at the moment if she is like she was tonight my thought is to tell her no more. I will do anything for her but not at emotional toll that she has extratced from me today.
Andrew
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To go forward you have to put the past behind you
i read this, but i have no idea what to tell you. the one thing i can tell you from experience is that financial pressure is tough. and it's especially tough when you got no one to blame but yourself. to me this attitude of your wife is plain guilt. just like when the was comes back to blame the lbs for everything that contributed to the affair, your wife is blaming you for all her money problems
believe none of what you hear and only 50% of what you see. do what is best financially for you, because in the end you need to take care of your future
Quote: ... because she 'knows' that I am hiding it in assetts overseas.
You could express how you feel you are being persecuted as guilty rather than being presumed innocent until there is evidence to the contrary. Even in a trial the accused has a right to hear the evidence against them. What "proof" does she have that she knows you have a "stash"?
If she is unwilling to wait the couple of weeks for the receipt of more funds, the only avenue I can think of is may be mentioning you will have to start looking into bankruptcy preceedings. Maybe that would be enough to cast some doubt into her beliefs, but you may have to go as far as collecting information on the legal proceedings of bankruptcy and then relay them to her and how that course of action will have an affect on your future, because this pattern cannot continue to occur.
. Mind you in my male perspective I did think (note not say) 'I wish you had told me this instead of dropping cryptic hints (Have to remember to get that inner eye working 
).
. Like what the hell am I supposed to do. I had arranged another 15,000 for her to get some of the imediate debts done until I get business money and loan money in two weeks. But this isnt good enough for her.
