Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Has anyone seen my get-up-and-go?

Dawn,

I don't know that I've posted to you before, but I wanted to say that drugs aren't the only answer to depression. In major cases they can be a huge help, that being said if you can't budget for them right now...
Little things like taking a walk, really help. It gets you out and moving. I get that motivation is a problem. So how do you think you could manage that? It's little steps that take you on to bigger ones. A walk may lead to more walks to working out etc. Sounds huge from where you are now, but tiny steps. The endorphins help so much.

Even if meds aren't in the works, don't discount them.

HUGS

To people who are opposed to taking drugs, let me point out that depression is a disease like any other-- you wouldn't refuse meds if you were a diabetic. But since you can't get your hands on ADs right now because of the money/insurance situation, you really should try Grace's suggestion-- I've heard that for some people, exercise works almost as well as ADs (and without the side effects). It's something you can start right away, anyhow.

Dawn, you are keeping up with your yoga, right? I know that helps you to center yourself more.

I understand that depression is an illness and is not something that you can just pull yourself out of. It takes a lot of hard work and, in some cases, drug therapy. I assume you have tried the herbal supplements that are supposed to help (ie - St. John's Wort, SAMe, Kava, 5-HTP).

As far as avoiding RL friends because you don't want to lay your problems on them, who says you have to lay it out there for them? Just talking to your friends about everyday things without bringing up your suicidal depression can help. The conversation will at least take your mind off of the burdens for a little while. I don't EVER share the dark thoughts in my head with any of my friends. Some people may say that I'm being fake and wearing a mask around the people I should trust. I sometimes look at it that way too, but then I realize that the personna I show the world is actually me, it's just covering the pain that no one else needs to hear about. I share my pain with God and with you poor, unfortunate souls here! It's not a matter of trust, it's a matter of not laying my problems at their feet as a burden for them to bear with me. My friends are all 'fixers' and they would very much want to fix something for me that can't just be fixed. So, don't fear talking to your friends, just don't share things with them that you feel could lead to alienation. They just want to talk to you and that alone can uplift your spirits for a time.

Have you ever thought of offering to teach Calligraphy? Maybe to adults or teens. It is something you are good at and sharing that I am sure would increase your happiness. They always say go with what you know!

As crazy as it sounds, I find even posting to others on here helps a great deal. I am just dropping by and haven't posted to you before, but I hope just the idea I had can help.

kat

Kat,
That is a truly EXCELLENT idea.

Dawn,
Right back at ya! I wake up and wish I hadn't. I got prescribed Lexapro, but the side effects were so horrible I just couldn't take it. I have a call into my doctor to see what else I could take. My sitch is forcing me to take a look at myself and see what I need to change. I don't mind doing that and it's a good thing, but did he have to lie, cheat, deceive, manipulate to get me to do this??? I know God has a bigger plan for me, but I wonder what that is?? How long can I wait for him? Do I want to wait for him? All questions that will be answered in time, I guess. Try to find some fun things to do. I'm headed to yoga in an hour. I find it the hardest to get out there and do things with other people. I just want to stay shut in my house.

Hey, gals and guys, I'm still alive (like it or not). Y'all are so sweet to keep reading and posting to me even with as depressing as it must be to read my posts.

I'm going to put this at the beginning of the post to help out those who would sleep through this if I put it at the end, because I would like to get some second opinions here. I am getting pressure from my mother to resolve the issue about my medical insurance and find out once and for all whether there is an option for me to be on H's. I don't want to talk to him at all, we haven't communicated in almost three months, I don't know if he even has any insurance himself, and given that he clearly told me I should deal with my insurance on my own, I am not inclined to contact him about this. But my mother is being a little pushy, saying I can't let this sitch continue, I _have_ to arrange for insurance because it's not an option for me to leave the possibility open that I might be in an accident or something and if I could even get medical care (since some places get sticky about treating anyone without insurance), she would have to drain down her savings to pay for my care because H wouldn't take responsibility, and if she was going to pay for my insurance (which I don't really want her to do), she needed to know if I could get on H's. I indicated that I'd rather she just let me die, and she got mad and said she was my mother and that wasn't an option. Guess I can't blame her, even though I really am serious about preferring to be dead. I really would prefer not to involve her in this, and I don't want her (or anyone's) charity--I am an adult, after all--but I don't know how to avoid her involvement under the circumstances.

So the question is this...should I break NC and ask H about the possibility of me being on his insurance, despite all of the excellent reasons to stay dark? I don't know if he knows that I can't have pre-existing conditions (like my depression) covered any other way than my being on his insurance (unless I were to get a job with benefits, which isn't likely). Nor do I know if he realizes that I know that if he has insurance, legally I'm entitled to be on it too. I don't plan on discussing any more of this with him than absolutely necessary. What thoughts do you all have on this? Is there any point to contacting him? Anything about this topic that you think I am missing here?

Grace, and Andabelle, you are right, I have slacked off on my exercise, and I need to fix that. I don't discount meds at all--you will see me recommending them to people on other threads here. I have been off and on ADs for eight years now, and I think they can make a big difference for many people. If it weren't for the insurance sitch, I wouldn't have gone off in the first place.

Mishka, actually, I have never tried the alternative medicine herb-type remedies. I am not entirely sure why; it's not like I love being on drugs, and I'm very into the organic, closer-to-nature lifestyle. I think it is because it was always easier to just let a professional decide what I should take rather than try to figure it out all by myself. I mean, if you aren't going to a doctor and getting a prescription, what/whom do you consult, and how do you figure out what is the right treatment to even begin with? I obviously have some kind of deep-seated issue with trying to figure things out on my own that aren't a cut-and-dried type of problem, like puzzles or school tests.

What is wrong with me that I just wish someone would hand me the solution and I would follow it and everything would be fine? Does that mean I'm lazy, or is it a function of the depression, or what? I know I'm not stupid, but I am in a state these days in which everything just seems too hard to deal with...so I don't deal with anything unless I have to. That is why it's 9 p.m., and I haven't taken a shower in two days or washed my hair in three days, I haven't eaten today except for a handful of nuts, and all I've done since I got up at 11 a.m. has been to sit in front of the computer in my birthday suit. I mean, who cares? Nobody sees me except my cats, I'm not on a deadline, I have no obligations to be anywhere or see anyone today, or tomorrow, or probably most of next week (I have to respond to emails periodically, but don't have to actually interact live), and in public I can pretend otherwise, but the truth is that I just don't really care what happens to me. Is anyone surprised that I'm having trouble getting my website done?

I think this headache I've had for three days is making me a bit more maudlin than usual. Okay, maybe not, but it makes it harder to keep the mask on.

Kat, and Andabelle, actually, I forced myself to look into teaching calligraphy for the first time about a year ago. I never wanted to teach at all, so I wouldn't have pursued it if it hadn't been for the whole thing with H, but to my surprise, I discovered that I actually enjoy it. I haven't had a lot of students--my classes keep getting canceled for low enrollment--but most of them seem to like it, and I actually have two that I'm teaching privately now (they're neighbors, so I teach them both in the kitchen of one of their houses) because they have advanced beyond any of the others I have taught and two isn't enough for a whole class. I still don't think I would do well if I had to come up with formal lesson plans or ride herd on teenagers or younger kids, but I actually wish I had more people signing up for these continuing education classes I'm teaching.

Oh, and I like to post, even though sometimes I don't feel like my advice or thoughts are worth much. Kinda like spitting into the wind. I think it has to do with the fact that I will ramble/spout off to anyone if given the opportunity, whether they care to hear it or not...well, there are exceptions (like with H, since the bomb, as I might say one word to his ten words), and in RL I usually don't talk much to people I don't know well. But I've been journaling extensively and writing extremely long letters for years and years, so posting here is an offshoot of that tendency.

Golfgirl, I almost had to double-check to make sure your post wasn't actually written by me! That is seriously deja vu for me...so much of it is exactly my experience!

I've been on Lexapro, back when it first came on the market (heck, I've been on almost everything!). I'm a little surprised to hear about the issues with the side effects, as that is supposed to be one of the ADs that's less prone to that...although I have had side effects with all but one of the different ADs I've been on (8 and counting at this point)...in fact, the side effects are the main reason I kept switching meds. It's definitely trial and error, and I hope you and your doctor are able to find something that works better for you.

I have been doing a few things outside my house. I took my oldest "fur child," my 17-year-old cat (H and I went out and adopted her as a tiny kitten right after we got back from our honeymoon) to have some necessary dental work done this week. I'm happy to report that despite the three teeth she had removed, she seems to be in excellent shape for her age (I think it translates to 84 in cat years). People keep saying to me, "You're spending several hundred dollars on your cat's teeth, but you don't get medical insurance or care for yourself?" Well, yeah...the cats are my kids, and I'm responsible for their welfare, and I can manage without seeing a doctor; I don't have anything life-threatening. I'm not going to let them be in pain or be ill if I can do something to prevent it.

Last weekend I took a day trip to my hometown (where my mother still lives) for a party celebrating the 50th anniversary of some close family friends. It always makes me feel better to see friends and family, so it's well worth the effort if I can just get myself to do it. It's just that in the end, I go home alone. I was always comfortable being by myself, and in fact I need a lot of alone time...but it's a bit much when I spend a week without seeing or speaking to another human being except through text on the computer.

Last night I went out for a quick late dinner with my crazy MLC friend (the one who is in her second M and is hopelessly in love with an OM who doesn't want her). She has been a great friend to me for so many years, but I see us drifting apart, because she is so self-absorbed now (not that I'm not, but it's a big change from what she used to be like) and I am so tired of listening to her MLC nonsense. She spouts a lot of the same garbage that my H does and refuses to listen to anyone who tries to derail her insanity. I need all the friends I can get...but I have been backing away from her while she is just so completely MLC-blinded, as it is something of an ordeal to be with her, although she is better than she used to be.

My friend who, with his W, was one of my biggest sources of support for months after the bomb (with their permission, I called them in tears at 1 a.m. when I found some new horror H was perpetuating), has been out of work for a year. This week he got a new job, which is wonderful except that it is two states away...so they are all going to be moving. Major bummer.

And just to cap things off nicely, my pool, which I've been having so much trouble with (liner ripped out completely, and too expensive for me to fix) has about a foot of rainwater collected in the bottom, and I just discovered that the frogs I keep hearing out there have been busy...I have tadpoles in the pool.

Good grief, what would it take for me to write a _short_ post on my own thread? I'm quitting for now. Maybe I will actually go wash my hair. I don't feel particularly bad, just uninspired to actually get anything done. I hope you are in a better state than I am.

Peace,
Dawn

Yes, you should call him. It is business.

I see that people are reading, but not commenting. Does everyone agree with Sara and just feel it's unnecessary to say, "me too"? Does anyone else have any clarifying thoughts on this matter? The floor is now open for comments.

Yesterday I managed to get myself off to church (quite often, my sleep schedule has been too screwed up for me to get there on time, even if the depression is pushed back enough that I can actually go somewhere) and I ended up sticking around all day, helping prepare for the enormous garage sale they hold several times a year. They had me making signs for them, which worked out well (I am a professional calligrapher); I enjoyed it, and they were quite appreciative! It's always nice to be valued. And I spent some time with other people, without pressure, which was very enjoyable. If I can actually get myself out of the house and off to a gathering, I usually enjoy it. It's the getting out of the house that is the big hurdle (gotta love depression).

Some days I have to agree with that old nursery song, "Row, row, row your boat." Remember how it ends? "Life is but a dream." I used to have a lot of nightmares. A LOT. After the bomb, they stopped almost completely. I think it is because my waking life became worse than almost anything my subconscious could come up with.

"For all the world's a stage, and all the men and women merely players. They have their entrances and their exits..." That Shakespeare really had a handle on things.

Peace,
Dawn

Hi Dawn, well I agree with Sara, just ask him. Can you email him if you do not wish to do face to face.
As for the rest well you know the ropes, be prepared for the answer to be no.
I wish I could find the words to help you lift yourself from this black cloud you live under. I suffered severe depression when my x left, hospitalized on quite a few occassions. I understand all the feelings you have,I had them too. I had drugs and councelling but short term and more often than not I didn't take the pills. My Dr. agreed afterwards that they didn't help me much due to the nature of my depression.
So I can only say that I am here b/c of my kids I guess and my faith although that took a beating.
I will hold you in my prayers because life truly is a gift and it is only our choice if we use it or abuse it.
Dawn I really hope you can get the meds you need -if you know they will help you live a better quality life can you not give up other things so you can afford the meds. You are obviously a talented lady please know that you deserve a life as much as anyone else. Hugs