You are correct and there is hope I may FINALLY be getting it...at least I hope so.
I talked w/Jody yesterday and we went over the same things.
The game plan w/XW is to limit all conversations and e-mails will not go to her unless they answer questions. Her diatribes will be unheeded and just stored.
It is high time I accept the fact that I will forever be wrong in her eyes and thus, the need to convince her otherwise is completely and utterly futile.
I'm sorry if I've frustrated my friends out there. This is a massive reconstruction process I've been undertaking and I am getting better, but I'm a bit hard-headed, I guess. In reality, we males are all just DAMs deep down inside, so what did you expect?
It also helped to talk w/Jody and understand how XW still has me squirming even though that isn't the path I'd choose to take. However, I have been paranoid about her going after me to reduce my time w/D further, so I felt I needed to respond to "protect myself." So my words are carefully constructed, but all the interactions do is provide me w/some anxiety over the situation.
Thus, I've been giving her the power. It is difficult to understand sometimes but the more you go through w/things the smarter you become. Experience is the best teacher after all.
In fact, Will Rogers once said "Life is a funny teacher. You take the test, then you learn the lesson." That feels like me right now.
So, I'm hoping my set will drop very soon so I can enter back into the world of being a "man" again. I've been away too long.
I think it may also be that you expect her calls to make you unnerved and so they do. Staying calm I think is the most difficult thing when talking to ex because even though they say they don't want to start a fight before they say something, you know that is exactly what they are trying to do.
If you know your ex is always go to see you a certain way, perhaps you could think of some calm replies and practice those. It's the idea from when I was a flight attendant, you practice for the emergency but hope you never have one. You also have those actions and drills so practiced that they come without much thought.
Just an idea and I hope it helps.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
I agree w/ your points. If the woman I'm with doesn't like me being me, then it will be her loss as I'm a very good catch.
However, I will be more guarded w/information at first. The stuff will come out in time, but right now I'm just too negative concerning my XW and how she treats me and that spills over through my overall energy. I think women have been picking up on this eventhough I don't bad mouth my ex either. I am just convinced they can tell I'm annoyed, hurt, and angry w/her when the topic comes up.
So, for now, I'll keep that off limits. If a relationship develops, I'll tell my story then.
You are learning that negotiation or trying to smooth things over with your X does not work - Good! In a way, your X is playing the role of Bruce Willis from this scene:
I like your thoughts on planning for an emergency (or the worst) and hoping it doesn't happen. I do have to practice some evasive strategies w/communication w/my XW so I can avoid allowing myself to be baited into conflict w/her.
I may have passed a small test today as she sent me another e-mail telling me how awful and wrong I have been to let D take the dog outside the door of the apartment w/out me and instead of replying, I simply did nothing.
I filed her e-mail and did nothing.
She next sent an e-mail asking why I had only made a partial payment to a joint credit card account still in our names and I replied flatly telling her it was all I had and I will pay the difference when I have it or on the 15th, whichever comes sooner.
I left it at that and hit send. She hasn't responded to this one, so who knows what will come of it next. I decided to answer questions from her only and leave it at that.
I need to remember that answering her and engaging only helps her to get her way. When I don't respond, not only does it give me relief from her, but she also loses control over me. I would then no longer be GIVING control to her.
"the test is first, then comes the lessons" - So true.
Yes, Kerry. I can't negotiate w/her at all. It is completely useless.
I have been having a hard time taking the approach as I'd dearly love for her to be "normal" in our talks. It has been hard to convince myself of what is reality b/c you really want to have things work out for everyone.
It is miopic and far to "Pollyannish" to continue on this path, so it is time to fully embrace it, regardless of what "ideal" situation I'm wishing for instead of the reality I have.
I loved the clip, but would have to side w/kat and say I'd look much better in the Bruce Willis role.
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Last edited by Tia; 10/01/0907:10 AM.
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
