Need your help fellow DBers. The Greek and I are teaching at a Marriage Prep Weekend Seminar this weekend. We have done this for years (karma? irony?) and this will be the first time since the bomb/reconciliation/piecing/new marriage for us. I expect to be a little emotional. So we have some very new and different ideas to explore. We want to do something different and split the men and women up. Talk about how men and women view things and communicate differently. This group is normally about 20 couples most young (mid-early 20s) with one or two couples older or on a second marriage. We don't want to scare them but prepare and teach them.
We would appreciate some ideas and tools on what is really vital to having a thriving marriage. What would you do different? What tools do you know now you wish you had earlier? Warning signs? What makes marriage work?
Cheers Coach & Greek
M22,H45,W45 S21/18D12 Retain faith that you will prevail in the end, regardless of the difficulties and at the same time confront the most brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.
Wish I knew about the 5LL's back then. GAL important DR important. I think everyone when they get married should have DR and the 5 ll's books to keep them grounded.
ALso really listening to what your partner is saying and not getting defensive.
These are things that I wish I had knowledge of before the bomb.
Great what you are doing!!!!
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
Agree completely with the 5 LL's. It would really be interesting to have each of them complete the test separately and then compare and discuss.
The other concept that I really wish I understood are the ones I am now reading in "How to improve your marriage without talking about it". It goes into the differences between women (who respond to fear) and men (who respond to shame).
Women want to feel safe, and men want to feel strong. In the beginning it works because the woman feels protected and taken care of which in turn makes the man feel strong...
The downturn is after the initial romantic love starts to fade. The woman feels separated and starts to talk about the issues she sees (fears). This makes the man feel attacked and defensive of his ability to be a good husband / provider (shame) and he then withdraws or fights back, both of which exacerbates the woman's fears...
It is a vicious cycle, but can be broken if either party understands it and stops.
There are other areas, like the necessity to take care of yourself, the requirement for the person feeling the pain to bring it up and address it, etc, but I am not sure those can be taught in a weekend.
Me 42, W 39, S8, S6, S2 M 11y, A & ILYBNILWY 11/08 Walking away from a bad situation.
They need to know they WILL face hard times, and that feelings ebb and flow. Hard times do not mean they made a bad choice or that it's a sign they should move on. They have a choice then: stay and work it out or run away and face the same situation later with someone else.
I also think they need to know how to set boundaries for themselves so they don't end up in EAs. It's so easy to slip...as it does start innocently enough. One of the affair books actually has strategies that address avoiding emotional affairs.
It's important to keep working instead of using that piece of paper as a safety net/excuse to slack off.
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Women want to feel safe, and men want to feel strong. In the beginning it works because the woman feels protected and taken care of which in turn makes the man feel strong...
The downturn is after the initial romantic love starts to fade. The woman feels separated and starts to talk about the issues she sees (fears). This makes the man feel attacked and defensive of his ability to be a good husband / provider (shame) and he then withdraws or fights back, both of which exacerbates the woman's fears...
This could also describe the beginning and ending of an A.
Me 56 H 47 Married 21 years No children Bomb & moved out 4/07 "My feelings have changed" & "I want to live by myself". Ow Bomb 8/07 H filed 6/08 D final 2/05/10
SD brings up a very good point about thinking that love is a feeling, and as a feeling it will last forever. That is a myth, a fairy tale that too many people believe without realing thinking about it. Love is a decision. And love requires loving acts. The feeling follows the actions, not vice versa.
I guess you said you had done a bunch of these before but not since restoration.
How candid do you plan on being with the folks? Especially as it pertains to your personal experience?
This would be something that I would really enjoy and would strongly consider doing just as soon as me & my darling are restored and re-integrated. Think I will mention it to her.
I am sure you and Greek will be of great assistance to folks. Sure seems that is the case around here.
