Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Divorce not busted 2

Yeah, I know. That's what Mean about this forum. If I were ony own, I would have gotten frustrated and given up by now. I would have taken a negative experience with W and given up.
She planned a birthday dinner for me next week. She made reservations and sent an email out to my family. She would probably have done it anyway because she is always concerned about everyone else, but I am glad anyway.
I think I will ask her to our restaurant for our anniversary, also next week

Gee whiz Orich,

A friend asked me to look at your sitch a week or so ago, and I decided to read your whole thread first.
But Every time I take a few days to think of what to post, something happens to change my mind, (and in a good way!)

Your w is on a roller coaster that unfortunately, you have been dragged onto whether you wished to be or not. In some ways you can and must do all the detachment work possible but the reality is that if she acts on her emotions, it matters a heck of a lot to you and your life. IT's good that you not do or say anything that corners her into acting on those emotions. Now some of my feminists friends will slap me around for this (but since I have a helmet) but let me ask, is your w going through her change of life?

I am NOT summing up all of her emotions to that even if it's true. But it would explain a bit of the mood swings b/c she is conigtively aware of them.

Just before the birth of our 2nd child, I had heard stories of "baby blues" and post partum depression but didn't have any of that with our first, and figured it was "for other people." But sure enough, 4 or 5 days after our 2nd child was born, perfect and healthy, I became very weepy (I mean GRIEF stricken tears streaming down my face, and barely able to maintain an attiude with the other kids, and the baby) so I decided that it must be the job I had that I "discovered" I hated AND that h was "So unsupportive of me" and I called my mother and my sisters, and one said, "you think this MIGHT be hormonal?" (Thank God it was my sister and not my h who said this btw) but suddenly I remembered the whole "baby blues thing" and thought to myself, "Wow, THIS is what they mean...and I just have to stand in the doorway and wait for this weird hormonal storm to pass" ... I did tell my OB doctor who said to call if it got too weird or if it lasted more than a month ( I thought "A MONTH OF THIS???? ARE YOU INSANE????) and it took nearly 2 weeks to suddenly just kind of stop on its' own.

In some ways, it was actually fascinating to feel myself weep and know that there wasn't really a "good reason" although if you want there to be a reason for your sadness, you CAN find one, (or 7...)

Point is Your w seems cognitively aware that she is having mood swings and WANTS there to be a reason outside of herself...when you have a newborn you sort of have permission to act/feel so emotional, but when you are middle aged, you are supposed to have gotten a grip by now. Make sense? Nope, I don't think YOU get to ask her any of this b/c if I'm right, she'll want to slap your face, and if I'm wrong, she'll want to slap you twice. Sorry.

So your steadiness counts more than ever (though you are allowed to be "in a mood" too and why not share that with her??) but no matter what, show her your strength. I agree with others here who'd support her seeing a little of the "Officer Orich" now and then too. And is it just me, or does this IC seem a bit too fast to help your w move on? What's up with the IC for her? Is she at all pro-M or does she ascribe to the "well if you FEEL sad, there MUST be a reason and it MUST be HIM"....??

My h and I went to so many c's before finding one he liked. Granted, he wanted to move out on his own no matter what we all felt or said or thought so not a lot of c's are going to support him there, and thank God for THAT. But even so, I knew some of the mc's we saw almost immediately disliked him for 1) being male?? and 2) being a professional with more education than her? and or 3) just something about his authority look, he's an MD and there were a few times I could almost feel the hostility BEFORE our story came out. I don't know but I have to say, I also picked up on a few of the mc's attitude towards M and it seemed that if a word or communication exercise or 2 of theirs didn't fix the M, (as if, poof! all we needed was their secret!!) then they thought it should end in Div. Bye bye...

And in hindsight it was pretty ridiculous stuff at times. It'd be good for the PRE-cana maybe, but not the '2 decades later' m which are a tad more complex and when one spouse doesn't know if he/she loves the other....it needs a bit more then.

Thank God for the other mc's we have met and connected with. True blessings. Now if I were to call for an appt with a new mc, I would ask if they are "solution based" or if they know of MWD's approach, or even if they are just basically pro-M, and it does weed out a lot in the first 5 minutes of calling and it's a "free screening" of sorts...

Back to earth....So what about the anniversary dinner? Do you think it's a tad obvious to pick the same restaurant but if so, can you make it clear that you didn't pick it with the expectation that it will "work wonders/fix all"? ( I think you can.)
And as for ML, I wonder. The anniversary itself carries expectations but more than that, is it possible she'd like you to make a move? Initiate a bit? I don't know and others should chime in.

Let me ask you if you think she still feels attractive generally speaking? Is she working out and losing weight, changing her hair, or just staring at herself in the mirror feeling "frumpy"? Every woman needs to know she turns her h on. But I know it's complicated....so I'm just tossing that out.

And finally, what about Retrovaille?
Good luck Orich, you are in great hands here, especially His...
(( ))
j-

Hi 25, thanks for looking in.
There is a possibility of MLC for her. But this is more than that, she has multiple family deaths within 3 weeks of each other while she was in her 3rd trimester with our second son. Also, severe mood swings during her monthly cycle, my taking her for granted, and bad communication skills on both our parts.
I can't force her to change IC, obviously, so I don't know what to do about that. I continue to see our MC as an IC. (We stopped MC a few months ago) He is a Catholic Deacon, so at least he is pro-M.
I didn't think about what you said about anniversary dinner. Every year we go to this place where we met. Maybe I should ask her to a different place, somewhere else she likes. I see your point as to why.
OK, ML. I can't tell you what a struggle this has been for me. It has been months since we last ML, and I swear I am crawling up the walls. We used to ML daily when we were first together, and it only waned to 4 nights a week before the time of the Great Sadness. Working out only helps get rid of some energy, not all. I have given thought to this dilemma before. I don't know if I should initiate if she doesn't on that night. I suppose I will just try to read her. I don't want to screw anything up. I will confess that the thought of going outside the marriage has occurred to me, but so far I have been able to put down that temptation, and I think I will be able to as this journey goes on, with the help quite frankly of the Lord.
She doesn't complain about feeling unattractive any more than the usual "I feel flabby around my midsection". My wife is an incredibly attractive woman who is in great shape. I used to tell her daily how beautiful I thought she was and how lucky I am. Even now I will give her a compliment with varying reactions. I would love to go on to her about how beautiful she is, but I don't think this is the right time.
We are registered for the September 11th weekend of Retro. She went back and forth about this, but as of right now she is committed to it.
Thank you again for commenting on my sitch. I need every opinion I can get in order to make the right decisions as I go on. One day the Great Sadness will lift, and regardless of which way my M ends up, I will be a better person because of the people here.

I personally agree with 25 that it is possible that she might want to ML, but not want to initiate. You could test it with a kiss or a hug when you think the time might be right. If she is not receptive, then you know. Or you could even discuss it. It sounds like she was a pretty sexual person and she might also be frustrated by the lack of sex. But she may not be willing to make the first move. My husband and I used to be able to break the ice by just one of us reaching a hand out and lightly touching the other in the bed. You do need to sensitive to her wishes.

I'm afraid to initiate, I don't want to push her away, and to be honest, I don't know how I would handle the rejection if she wasn't receptive.

Orich - I've lived that dilemma and I can tell you from personal experience that not initiating is lose-lose. Yes, the rejection hurtsw like hell if you try, but losing your marriage because you're afraid of rejection hurts a heckuva lot worse.

Not initiating doesn't mean you can't get rejected; it means you have a 100% chance of rejection because you're rejecting yourself before she has a chance to. At least if you initiate and you do it well/time it well, you have a chance of NOT being rejected. You have zero chance of success if you don't try.

Clearly from my own thread, I'm not great at understanding when to not pursue, but overall, not initiating was one of my/our problems rather than a solution.

Voice of experience.

Thanx, dia.
I get what your saying. I will feel her out, and choose the right time. I won't be pushy or force myself on her, I will gently start to initiate and see how it gies from there. I will also keep in mind that she may not be into it, and if I'm not 100% expecting it, the let down might not be as bad.
What a difference from years ago when all I had to do was raise an eyebrow, and 5 minutes later we going at it like rabbits!

Boy do I miss those days... (Dia waxes nostalgic)

Well, tonight is definately not the night! I got home from the gym and barely got a hello. She was getting ready for bed. I figured why not turn in early, too? As soon as I came into the bedroom and began to change, she asked why I was coming to bed and not staying up. I asked if she wanted me to wait a bit until she falls asleep (I snore). She said no, just that I usually don't go to bed before 10. I took the hint, and am now sitting on the couch watching TV.
Oh well. Probably better, because now I have the memories of the old days in my head eight now!

Ugh.