Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis 3 1/2 years into MLC

holly, i have done my best to leave them alone, and when i truly decided they will die their own death, she started lashing out at me consistently for 3 weeks. it was the craziest thing because i didnt do anythign but decide they would die their own death. i did however, get to the point where i was afraid and contacted the police and charged her with harassment. do u think i did the wrong thing? i was becoming afraid she would harm me in some way because she is pushing him for marriage and we are still married.

right now he is angry with me, she is not allowed to contact me and i am sure they are still together. for her to have been contacting me leads me to believe their fantasy relationship was in trouble. any thoughts?

Hello?

Is this thing working?

Holly, is that you?

I wasn't sure, I didn't hear anyone spinning on the pole.

I do hope things continue to provide you, TJ, and the girls a positive environment in which to live and be happy. Each will have their own vision of happy, and their own time. It is only natural you have your deepest personal desires for the future. But you also have learned and grown so much in this experience. Snodderly among others have been excellent navigators, but you have charted so much new water on your own instincts and profound faith.

These are the things you can share and teach to those who are in the early stages and clinging to calendars, timelines, and notes on the six stages. Everything is relevant. Every fact is a tool. And each detail gets analyzed to the last degree. But nothing trumps the one overiding single most important task we must learn and take - we must Let It Go.

Those three words should drown out all other sounds. They should pass through one's mind in a timeless fashion, as if an entire day or year could have passed as one concentrates on the sound.

There aren't six stages to Let It Go. There is no timeline. It is simple. But it becomes the most difficult and utterly impossible action that anyone victimized by MLC can face. It is the one thing that most will fight with every nerve and their very last breath. Yet it is possibly the simplest and most complete release one can find in the storm.

Even though you'd have been willing to try, you did not belong in a relationship with TJ during his time of wayward transgressions. He was not TJ. It would have been a hellish life with the alien; doing no one any good.

When we Let It Go, and add Turn It Over To God, we are giving ourself and possibly others, the most powerful gift on the planet. Even if one stops with Let It Go, they have made it to the finish line. What they do after that, is their life to live. They must accept the fact that this does not have to kill us. We all have to chose, and we alone can do so - how we will continue to live as a person among the people of the better world.

You learned well, took the blind leap of faith forward, and continue to experience the release as your journey unfolds. How wonderful indeed. Your actions have left you blessed. You've victimized no one. You've reached out and shared with others. You've prevented the crazyness from consuming you and those around you. You've earned every joy life has to offer. You will have it in a way that is right for you if you continue to Let It Go.

You're choosing not to limit the degree of reconnection you experience with TJ. You understand the comfort and joy that comes from the smallest glimpse of the old, the real TJ. Those moments will bring you joy. You also understand you must continue to Let It Go in order to have those moments, and a good life in between. Those are the lessons that need to be shared with the unfortunate victims of this madness. Thank you for doing that.

Now about that time in between, I was hoping we could get back to the part about someone spinning on the pole ......

Snowmn,

Honestly I am floored.

He lives at home with you and he also has OW and .........
You are standing for your Marriage and I am so confused.
No boundaries?
I think this is called cake-eating.
He will never have to give up OW because you are so accomodating.
He never has to feel the loss of you because you are allowing him to do whatever he wants.

In fact you condone this.

But you put up with it because you are afraid of him leaving.

You say you are trusting God and are quoting Job.

I am still confused...

Because where is your faith? Your trust needs to be in God not in the fear of the Enemy.

I am not attacking you, I am just so curious as to how you can live in this situation.

Holly - sorry for the hijack. I'm going to make this as quick as I can and then I will be gone.

BND - I was hoping that you would be one of the ones who would understand. I was wrong.

The quote from Job is because I believe that it's God who will speak to my husband. I know it's not my job.

Years ago (back in the early 1990s) God told me to do something and I didn't do it. I did what the world told me I should be doing. (I've told this story on this board before.) I lost my first husband to divorce. I probably didn't stand for my marriage long enough. (Yes, Charlyne and Bob were around then. In fact, they were to come to my church for a weekend retreat and I cancelled the retreat.) I disobeyed God then. God made it real clear what I was to do this time. I am NOT going to disobey Him this time.

God has been very specific in his instructions. I am to let Him take care of my husband and the OW. I set some boundaries. I'm sure it wasn't enough for everyone here on this board. I set one that cost me a lot of time with my husband. It set our healing process back about six months.

It's not easy BUT I am getting through. I work with social workers and therapists every day (it's part of my job). They help me to get through when the going gets really tough. They don't all agree but those who have dealth with MLC understand. I have to be careful to stay away from this board. I have to remember to listen to God and when I get advice I have to ask God to make it clear to me that it's what He wants me to do. I have to remember when I feel attacked that I'm not doing this for anyone but God. It's not for me. It's not for my husband. I'm serving God.

I could answer all of your questions but the bottom line is I'm doing what I do because God told me to. There are going to be people here that don't agree with that. But none of you know the whole situation. I don't even know the whole situation. It is still unfolding.

Hooollly!!!

Things are sounding pretty good right now! I am glad to hear it. Hang in there and be your wonderful self! Would could resist that!!!!

Y

((((Snow)))

I was not trying to offend you in any way.

I am sorry that you are carrying around so much guilt from your first Divorce that you now feel that you have to pay a penance by accepting this new situation with your current Husband.

I never once said for you to stop standing, or to Divorce your Husband.

I never once said for you to be unloving or unkind to him.

I hate knowing how much pain you must be in, knowing that you have your Husband home with you, yet not sharing his life with you, but with OW.

There is nothing wrong with setting boundaries, in fact they can actually help a relationship.

Again my intent was not to upset you, I am sorry.

And now for the flip side.
BTW snowman, hijack away. I want this thread to be helpful and healing for all, if posting helps, PLEASE do.

Well if I am going to really show this journey for all its true colors, I need to update.

Moving D 4 hours to law school pad, (yes I am very very proud) and I had a lot of time to kill. So I use the darn phone. I took this time to connect with TJ's sister, because I truly had some spiritual questions regarding my girls and maybe getting ready to use this time to witness God's faith to my kids. She knows my girls and is a very strong spiritual influence in my life, so she was my go to person.
My question was is this the time to start preparing them for God''s miracle? It could make an impact on their walk to God. I know they are young adults and very busy and have life by the tail and do not need the spiritual connection, but I think that needs to wait until things look a little more certain.
Judy shared some observations of my family during the 4th of July visit she made to TJ who was hosting the kids for a weekend. She noticed that my girls are not really all the way there comfortable with the their dad yet. They are still healing the relationship. There was lots of talk about me. TJ was comfortable about all referenced to me, and even helped the kids prepare my birthday present by taking the pictures for the project. Shared with Judy and family, comments da da da.
She also said she saw that the kids would welcome their family back together again. The kids keep that view entirely blocked to me!!! They kept the comments about me up!
TJ did not appear to be drinking and has not for a while.
TJ seems more comfortable and more himself.



And TJ is still talking with OW and has gone to see her and her him. He insists they are just friends. Just friends.
TJ is very busy filling him time with other activities. (I think he is lonely). Judy has made it clear how she feels about OW, and she is not seeing any signs of getting back together.
Time will tell. Judy also says he seemed ashamed of this fact. But she was really glad he was telling the truth. (after all, the lies are always the most damaging).

Yes, this hurts. I am handling it. Really didn't even cry. Just disappointed.
So now I analyze this and think that God really has his hand on this. TJ is not well enough emotionally to start a new relationship. If he want to come in my direction (and I am not even sure he realized that he wants to be with me) he has a long way to go to turn to me to fill the loneliness. It must be very hard.
I don't think he has any friends.
She might be all he has. So he claims he is friends with her, and after all, he needs this and no one else is filling the need.
Now I am not looking for opinions here. This is the path I am choosing to take. I am being public here so you can see the mistakes or the way this thing became successful. I hope to aid you in your marriage restoration by being transparent, for better or for worse.
I am OK. I am even turning this into the best possible option within the possible options. ( too many options here) But for now, I am OK.

I can't find that damd bucket tho............
really need it after my trip

Love you too Was.

Thanks Holly!

BND - I need to clear something up. I'm fine with my divorce from my first husband. I have no regrets over the divorce. My regret is that I didn't obey God. There is a huge difference. I stood for my first marriage for almost four years (3 years and 10 months) before I let go. I feel like I did all that I could humanly do. And that's the key. Human versus God.

I'm so glad that my ex husband is no longer my problem. AND I don't want to go back to that relationship.

When I see my husband now I see a child that was abandoned at a very young age - before the age of 7. That's who I imagine him to be and God needs me to love that person. Not the man who hasn't healed. God needs me to love the 7 year old and that's what I do.

Yes, there is pain and I want it to go away. But I'm learning that it won't go away until the little boy is healed. When he's healed I may not want the man that he has become, I know that, but until that happens I can't deal with it so I try not to dwell on it.

I take each day as it comes. I am a planner. Every time I try to plan something in my life...God has a way of changing things. I have just come off of a three month illness and still have a long way to recover. I will never completely recover unless God decides to heal me completely. My husband was there for me. I can't say that he was there for me completely but he was there for me more in this than he was last year at my mother's funeral.

The OW was diagnosed with breast cancer last August/September. He told me that he wanted to help her through it. I don't know how long he plans on helping her "through it" but if he needs to do that he needs to do that. She has helped him in other times of his needs.

Three years ago he told me he wanted a "female best friend" to go to bars with and get drunk. Well, now he has an "ugly" female best friend to go to bars with. When he wants me the "cute" female best friend to go to the bars with him...I will be here. He's the only man I have ever hung around in bars with. I'm hoping that was a phase that goes away when he's through with his MLC.

As far as having my husband home with me. It was the same way with my ex for 2 1/2 years. The difference there is that my ex wouldn't/didn't do things with me. My husband helps around the house, pays the bills now - he stopped for about a year, things are just so much better than they were even a year ago. First he started taking care of the house, then he started paying attention to the animals, now I understand that he wants to mend things with my daughter who still lives at home with us, and he is slowly mending relationships with some of his old friends. He hasn't made amends with my dad yet but he asks me about my dad almost every evening that we watch tv together. I think I see that things are slowly improving but I know that this could go on for another several years.

When you see things improving it helps you to think that maybe what you are doing is working.