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Wow KTF- your sitch sounds amazingly similar to mine.

http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubb...357#Post1804357

I have been dealing for the last 7 months with a partner who started an affair while away on a long term temporary assignment for work. Now the job assignment has ended, the OW has been staying here in our town with my W, she is selling her house, moving here and looking for a job. :-(

I, of course, want to get it back together with my W and move us forward. She does not- at least not yet. I am ever hopeful while I am DB'ing. :-)

I wish you the best of luck. It is a hard process, and demands A LOT of patience.

Hi Arwen,
Wow, I read your sitch it IS very similar to mine. I do wish you the best of luck as well.

My H called me this morning just to say hi and see how I was doing. We didn't talk much about our R. We talked mostly about work and a dr appt I had this morning. He brought up R. He just said he wasn't sure what was going to happen, but whatever did happen we would both be ok. I told him that I did not want us to rush into a divorce because we could be making a big mistake. So he said he wasn't sure if it was a mistake or not. He wasn't sure what would happen, but that either way, no matter what, I would always be a part of his life. I just don't understand that!! How can I be good enough for him to not be able to let me go, but not good enough to keep as his wife?? We have some friends that went through a D recently. For a year and a half they went through problems and court and attorneys and finally divorced...only to reconcile right after the D was final. So my husband says "we could end up like that". So I told him, I would rather try to work it out first and if it doesn't work, then get D. Not go through the money and drama of a D, to find out it was the wrong thing to do.

KTF-
It is pretty typical for the partner to be confused, send mixed messages and generally make us crazy... ;-) As I said in my post, if you ask my W where she sees the new affair going, she says "I've given up trying to predict the future- I'm not very good at it. I don't know what's going to happen next week, next month, six months from now". Yet she's sure enough of SOMETHING to be proceeding with a D, totally turning both of our lives upside-down, and trashing a GOOD 16 year relationship. :-(

Also be prepared for the old "one step forward, one step back" dance they do so well. This past Saturday my W talked about her job possibly being a target for layoff. I realized (at 5:30 a.m. on Sunday) that her pattern is to talk in fairly neutral terms AROUND her feelings; not coming out and saying what she is feeling, but leaving me to interpret what she is really saying (read her mind). I am the type of person who responds to the actual words used, so when she mentioned the possibilty of layoff, I asked if there was anything she could do to grow the account, to make her position more secure. I did not respond to what she was FEELING, and that is the light bulb that went off in my head. No wonder she feels we went round and round about issues, and nothing ever changed.. I never "got it" because I didn't understand what she was really SAYING!

So when I unexpectedly saw her later on Sunday morning, I did part of my 180 (doing the opposite of what I used to do, as that obviously didn't work). What I said to her was "Yesterday I HEARD you say you are afraid of losing your job". She said yes, although she never actually SAID that. So I said, "I understand that in this economy and at your age that is a very scary thing". She said yes again. I then said, "If anything happens, you know you have a tremendous network of family and friends you can rely on", she said "I know", and I said "and that includes ME."

At that, she got kind of teary, and said "thank you" and "give me a hug" (which we did). One step forward. :-) She went upstairs for something, and then came back down. Her next statement was "I don't know if my attorney Cathy has been in touch with your attorney yet". :-P I kept my composure, and said I didn't know- I hadn't heard anything yet. She said she hadn't either, but she "still wanted to work it (the divorce) out collaboratively between us so we don't pay all the money to the attorneys". Ick. One step back. It seems any time we seem to be a little close, she has to push back to make space between us. Detaching and not dwelling on EVERY LITTLE THING SHE SAYS AND DOES is very, very hard.

BTW, my partner has said she wants a quick separation/divorce and to "move on". I have told my attorney I want to drag the process out as long as possible. :-) I have heard that most A's don't last more than 6-8 months once they are out in the open. Although I think my W and the OW are still in fantasy/honeymoon land, I think that is going to pale pretty quickly once the OW is here and they are together all the time and "real life" sets in. I think it has disaster written all over it, for a number of reasons...

hey KTF-
Just wanted to check in and see how you are doing....

Not doing well...how about you?

My husband is so distant from me, and all he does is defend his R with OW. I don't even ask about her, but he told me yesterday that he doesn't want me to try to break them up. So I said "It's OK for her to come between us, but not OK for me to come between you and her?" He again told me yesterday that he cherishes our marriage and me as his wife...what the heck does that mean? I told him if he cherished "us" so much, we wouldn't be in the predicament we are in! I told him yesterday that I feel like he has no compassion for me. He says "if I didn't have compassion, I wouldn't be sending you all of my paychecks" So I told him that I appreciate the financial support he is giving me but it would be nice if he had some emotional support and would show me that it actually is hard for him and that he is hurting too. He said he is hurting, but after talking to him more about it, I figured out that he is not hurting because WE are breaking up, he is hurting because he has this new woman and he can't fully give himself to her because of his baggage in Illinois. So he is hurting for himself and this OW, not for me!