Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Infidelity/Extramarital Affairs/Jealousy Do I want to know the truth?

I am stuck lately. My H moved out 13 months ago after telling me ILYBINILWY. I asked him repeatedly if he was having any kind of affair, and he insisted he wasn't. He said he just couldn't stay in our M and be happy. For the record, he has always placed a huge value on integrity and morality and so I believed him when he says he was not having an affair.

Well, a few months after he moved out, he told me he was seeing someone. I learned it was someone he'd worked with a couple of years ago on a project and that he'd been seeing her since the summer. He moved out late June a year ago, so I'm not sure when exactly--but obviously very soon after he left.

Anyway, he's still with this OW and things seems to be getting increasingly serious. I can tell that soon he he going to introduce her to our kids. I am not interested in restoring our M--that ship has sailed--but I am really miserable over the fact that he is in a meaningful R and has been for our ENTIRE separation.

In retrospect, a LOT of things he said and did seem consistent with his having been involved with this woman prior to deciding to leave. He was completely resistant to working on our M, which really didn't make sense given our strong history together. I do NOT believe that he left for the great unknown, as he made it seem. He was too determined, too driven. IT always felt like there was something he wasn't telling me.

So now I'm wondering if it would be helpful or more hurtful to know more about his past R with this OW. He still insists that he was not having an affair with her, but started seeing her after he left.

I am tortured by this. I feel deceived and hurt all over again and EVERYONE who learned about his R with this woman thinks of COURSE he was having an EA or PA.

I've been considering asking him if he would come with me to my therapist (who was our couple's therapist for a while, though H would not participate) to discuss this.

Will it give me closure to learn the truth or make me feel worse?

Hi, I don't usually give advice on this board, as I have been so clueless in my own situation, which sounds almost just like yours, except as far as I can tell, my H is not serious with anyone (yet). But he is talking to/seeing another woman and who knows why they aren't hot and heavy right now. For all I know, they were taking a "cool down" period while he tried to "work on things" with me, which really didn't qualify as working on things in my book.

In my situation, I feel quite confident that another woman factored into his leaving somehow. Even though he denied it then and now. He did at one point admit to an emotional EA, but said it was never physical and never would be. Like your H, my H has a very strong sense of right and wrong, and he said he never even kissed her. Not sure if I believe him, but if he's telling the truth, then I do think it is only because he didn't want to deal with the guilt, not because of anything he felt for me. As far as I can tell, there is nothing going on with that woman, the one he talks to now is a different one, I believe. Most days I think that he and she agreed they would let things go until he got things squared away with me. He's been pretty much stringing me along for 12 months now, moved out 14 months ago.

In regards to your question, I think a lot people probably would advise that if you are sure the M is over, then what is the point of finding out, just let it go. However, I think you absolutely deserve to know the truth of what was happening in your M. Me, I am still searching for the truth, I really do want to know, although my M is not salvageable any more either. However, I know my H is never going to tell me, so I am going to have to find out through other means, if possible. I would advise against asking him to go to counseling, I don't think anything will come out there. Is there a way for you to spy on his past activities?

Also, in your case, it could be that your H and this woman had an attraction, but they did not act on it until he was separated. I do think sometimes people actually do this, and they consider themselves quite noble because they did not "cheat."

Are you guys on good terms? Have you filed for D?

I think it is cruel for him to let you belive that the marriage failed because of you if he really left because he wanted to be with the OW. He shouldn't leave you there to twist in your emotions, blaming yourself, when it really just him lusting after something new.

I would bet money that he had at least an EA before he left, though it was probably physical too.

Married and dating, that is cheating. Separation makes it a gray area, but technically still cheating. Now if you are already in the process of a divorce and then dating starts, somehow that seems to be okay in my book. So really it is your interpretation.

My question to you is, is the truth going to change anything? If it won't and you are still wanting to seek it, be sure that you can handle what you may find out. Sometimes the truth does set you free, but in this case it may become more of a burden.

kat

That's what I'm wondering--will it make me feel better, worse, or no different?

He would probably say that he was unhappy in the marriage regardless, so the issue of another woman, whenever she came on the scene, is just a detail. If he was happy in our M, he wouldn't have been open to someone else.

I guess I'll just have to mull it over some more.

From what you say, I think you already know the truth. You're asking if you should confirm that? It doesn't sound like there is a point. I had a very honorable and moral H too before he started with OW. In my mind, I compare EA/PA's to addiction. It's very much like that.

Karen

I think everyone is unhappy in their marriages at different points, nobody is 100% happy 100% of the time. If someone suggests they had an EA/PA because the M wasn't happy, I think that's a bunch of bs. Honest communication and/or MC would be the real solution if that was actually true.

It's not even that I want to know the truth as much as I want him to TELL me the truth, if that makes sense. I feel so stuck, so unable to forgive him, and I think that maybe it would help me to move past it if I just heard him confess what he's been keeping from me.

He claims that he wanted out of our M and then, since we were separated, he was available and ended up seeing this woman and it became a serious thing.

I still think it's possible that that is the truth, but I am exhausting myself mentally trying to decide if it is or if he was involved with her before he decided to leave me. It might put my mind at rest just to know.

Anyway, I am seeing my therapist on Friday and will discuss it further with her.

Hi LMG,
A man who is seperated is NOT availible. He is still someones H, he is still M! This always disgusted me. If you want to start a new R, get a freaking D. I just dont see the point of it at all. Seems like cake eating.

Anyway, I think that you know the answer to your question. If it wasnt a PA, then it was at least an EA, or a budding one, and since you are still M, it is definately an A now, or at least IMO. I totally understand your wanting to know the truth, and to hear it from him, and you deserve to know it. But I think that forcing him to say it might tear open old wounds that are going to be torn open enough without you going and looking for things to hurt yourself with.

Thanks blue rain-- you're probably right about not looking for more things to hurt myself with. I don't agree about the separation/divorce difference, though. I dated someone for a while a few months after H moved out.

We are not getting back together--which is definite. So whether we are S or D is just a detail. One reason we are not yet D is because I need to be married to H to get health-insurance benefits.

I understand that some people feel differently--but for me the technicality of D vs S isn't the issue.

Thank you, though--I appreciate your throughts.