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Hi Orich. I've been quietly reading your thread and some others. And I have rememebered you in some of my prayers. Just thought I'll add in a few words at this point.

Look, it's been said enough, but I also personally went through so much of the script you were handed - with some differences in my case. W gave the classic ILYBIMNILWY crap after I found out about the A. Before that, she was taling about how we had grown apart, how we lost what we had, how she wanted things in life, but was unsure if she wanted them with me any more. How she no longer missed me, how she had lost her friends and her life because of our M. I also refused to believe there could be an OM. Actually, the OM was all-important in the change of her state of being.

Difference was she did not really want a D, she wanted to give the kids a "proper home". But it did not lessen one bit how convinced she was that our love was history. In a way, it probably is as painful to have heard her say (essentially) "I'll stay with you, since I do still care for you, and it's not like I can't stand your face. I won't be too unhappy living with you. I'll give up my true love and happiness for the kids". Honestly, I would have preferred a D if this stituation stayed that way long term.

There are a few warning signs that echo my sitch. The "friend" is an obvious one. I agree 100% with Puppy, and despite what Jess wrote, the probability is that he is potentially if not already OM. The other less obvious one is how deaths/ serious illness galvanised W. The prospect of living a life that can suddenly end without experiencing "true love" can do strange things to sane people. It certainly did to my W. she has mentioned more than once how a colleague's brain tumour spurred her into an A.

And in this world, there are people who are utterly scum. OM in my case gave much the same "advice". He suggested taking romantic trips with me, going for counselling etc. To paraphrase Kevin, he was insidiously helping himself. Over time, the advice started taking place in quiet places, chartered yacht cruises and by the time I put a stop to it, it was only a week or so away from a 2 week European holiday he had planned "to help give her a break". I dug out the text where W was asking him why he only booked one room. wow, imagine that eh?

But what really takes the cake was the times he encouraged her to ask ME to join them for drinks and be all pally and solicitous with me.

I have not posted on my sitch, deliberately so. In the last weeks, I've had excellent conversations with W. The angst, anger, hurt, tension, lies, omissions etc is fading from our talks now. Not saying it's a bed of roses, it ain't, but it's so much better now. We're feeling back in love again, and in many ways it's better than the honeymoon phase because of what we went through. I never thought we would be here, and neither did she, and by God's grace and mercy, somehow we are. She's broken down a few times this past week and told me how sorry she is again, now that we are really facing the demons in a way we could not even as tried to heal over the first 18 months.

Stunningly to me, my firmly agnostic W actually told me that maybe, just maybe, what happened and Retrouvaille was "my" God's call to her.

It does not seem like it, but there's hope. Believe in God and yourself. I remember walking by the river crying my heart out and asking God to take my M in His hands. I didn't let Him at that time of course, and it took a long time to even start doing so. Don't give in to despair. Let Him heal you as He knows best.

Not to discourage you, but you still have to be wary. If someone asked me what percent chance my wife would have of having an affair, I would have said "can I go into negative percent?" She had been hurt by the cheating of someone she dated for many years, so she knows the other side of it. Still blows me away.

In fact, I feel we're ALL capable of affairs under the right conditions. The less we think so, the more in danger we are. We always have to be vigilant for ourselves as well.

Orich - then trust your instinct. You're more aware now. That's good. But get back to working on yourself big time. Pick up the PMA - I know it seems impossible - but you have to do it. And you can do it. I think everyone of us wish we could go back and work on just that at the beginning of our problems.

Just my $.02 - I wouldn't operate as if the M is over. Yes you are going through problems, but it isn't over yet. Just prepare yourself for any outcome. we like to use sports analogies - the best athlete is the most prepared athlete. Pick yourself up, dust yourself off and get back in there.

You can handle it.

STRENGTH and Honor. (You have both.)

Mules

I think that's most likely what it is.

Puppy

have you spoken to her since receiving this letter?

yes, but not at length. I wanted to assure her right off the bat that I wouldn't screw her, I wouldn't intentionally hurt her as revenge. I then told her that I had some thinking to do before I respond to it.

LOL. not after a letter like that. well maybe from behind ....

just me. but i would tell her its gonna cost you alot more than 17 hundred dollars to take my boys away from me.

got to love the sense of entitlement these walk aways have.

Half the people I know say keep trying to save marriage. The other half says cut my losses and move on.

O,

What do YOU want? Truly want?

I want my family intact. I want my wife to love me.