Check this out-- I wrote this a year ago on August 17th.
Quote:
*He talked about his work and some changes coming down the pike; one of his reasons for maybe making a certain choice is the option to move elsewhere-like San Fran, San Jose, Florida-practically anywhere. When I asked how serious he was about that, he said he just liked having the option. So I mentioned considering moving to Colorado and he said "Really?" I said I had researched some real estate and he said "yeah, but you were't serious. You won't move." (BIG smile on his face.) I said "Maybe I would. Sounds like you wouldn't give a rats a$$ if I did." and he said "Of course I'd care, but I will love always love you no matter where you live. And you'll always love me."
My H is completely and utterly confident in my love for him. And I have given him no reason not to be. Does this mean we really SHOULD get a divorce so that maybe he would actually worry I wouldn't be here? (Just thinking out loud....)
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
It is all control ladies...complete control. My WAW does it also but in a different manner. Either way, it is holding onto the security you provide them without the commitment. You have to ask yourself "Am I worth more than this?". I really just came to this conclusion completely about three hours ago actually in my situation.
Example of how that came about: Great day with the kids (I am on the fast track towards being the full time parent for them)...went for a long ride, lunch, and ended up at the movies. My children were psyched, my son cried during the movie, and it was so sweet. But two things happened during the day that made me think "was it worth it too save my marriage?": My daughter looked at me and asked "Do you still love mommy? I love the two of you together!"...and later my son asked "why doesn't mommy do stuff with us anymore?" The truth is that they deserve more...I deserve more...you deserve more! At some point we all need to say enough is enough. After a certain amount of time the WAS has two options...be part of the marriage or take the highway. There really is no in between. This garbage about dating after the divorce is just manipulative behavior to control you. Set your boundaries and hold to them...open your eyes to the truth. YOU ARE WORTH MORE!
Trix-You are absolutely right in your assumptions about husband knowing how you feel. My wife knows that I won't see anybody else. So she controls me through that. The one time I went out with a female friend (yes friend...nothing more and my wife knew it)...she was on the phone in minutes to her mother complaining how I was wasting money (which I don't do) yet she blows $350-$500 a month on her partying. They want there security blanket on their terms....like Puppy would say...time to stand up and make your own terms.
I have been thinking these past few days that I want to really develop my relationship with God during this time, so I visited a Christian bookstore where I found two good books. One is Hope for the Separated by Chapman and the other is I Do Again, by Cheryl and Jeff Scruggs. If you read I Do Again, have some kleenex handy. They reconciled after being divorced for 7 years. I read the book in one day, it's a very easy read.
I think, though, even more important than the reconciliation of the marriage, is that relationship that the people built with God. I don't really have much else to say..honestly, I sometimes think to myself that having hope that my marriage will be restored is just a pipe dream and a waste of time. That I should move on, blah blah blah..... Maybe the most important thing isn't that I have faith/hope that my marriage will be restored, but that I will be 'ok' and loved regardless of the outcome. I am searching for peace and security.
Lostforwords, I think you are very correct that the WAS is wanting us for security without the 'burden' of commitment. I don't think that we are required to give them such a thing. I think they are like teenagers; selfish, short-sighted.
In one of the books I was reading (Hope for the Separated, I think) the author said that sometimes the most loving thing a person can do is let the spouse experience consequences for their actions. "Sucking it up" and growing resentful is not in ANYone's best interest.
I can see I'm about to start babbling because I am overtired. So on that note- I bid you good night.
Me-43 H-46 M 12 yrs 7/09 T 15 2 grown kids bomb 7/05/07 H moved out 8/04/07 11/22/09 told him I quit;let's get ball rolling Mid Dec- he isn't sure he wants D End 2/2010-Starting to consider piecing
I really have been finally coming to this same conclusion about me being worth more. It is about control and I have known that. My H definately thinks he knows me and knows that I love him unconditionally. I do deserve more.......
Not sure, but this week for some reason.......cuz I have instigated no contact.... I just don't care. I feel like "you want to leave and figure things out, Ok, leave, but can't promise you where I will be if and when you come back." I think I said something to that effect to H when he was last here for a visit.
Mid-life crisis or not....I really have to prep myself for the D coming up in 2 weeks and the aftermath. Emotionally, this is going to be a very rough day indeed. I just am not sure what to do to prep for this...I don't think there is anything I can do. But, be myself and be strong. I am so afraid I am going to start crying. I need to stay strong. I am trying to come up with a plan for that. We will see....
My D has been finished. I still get alot of the script and BS from my WAW that you are saying you are getting from your WAS's. One thing that I have completely figured out is that it gets to her when I take control. I no longer allow her to call all the shots, one thing that I think probably led toward her walking. As it goes now, I am calling most all of the shots, but I feel that alot of that is that I feel if she wanted to leave, then just leave, I can handle me and my kids lives on my own than. May not be the best philosophy, but it does help with my PMA to know that I am control of my life completely for me now.
Yeah ShockedOne...I know completely what you mean. I think I have reached that place.......and I don't have kids, but I have reached that place for myself. I, no longer feel this impending doom......I used to keep thinking......what will my life be without him....now, I just think, well, let's see what life has in store for me and I have myself....now this person, I can always count on! Its a bit liberating actually!
