Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Mulesqb - Surviving Deposition Day

Mules, Another way to start feeling a little compassion for the STBX is to make a list of what you still like about her and what you are grateful for. Keeps the thoughts on the positive beat.

Cheers

Here's a little passage from William Young's book The Shack.

If you haven't read it Mules, I can't recommend it highly enough. Deb read it first, passed it on to me and it was a one day read for me. I couldn't put it down.

Anyway, here are some of the things he had to say about forgiveness in his book...




Blessings,

Bill

Bill-wow! Of all the things you have written to me over the last 15 months, this one may have hit home the hardest. It's everything I have been thinking but have been unable to express. I'm going to let it soak in and read 3 or 4 more times. Definitely hitting my emotions. Thank you.God bless.

Coach -thank you as well. You guys are truly brothers.

Mules

Thanks for the kind words Coach. I can see this is going to be a big step for me in personal growth. I guess it's too fresh with the closeness of the sitch.

I'll definitely start with the comfortable shoes, and hope she doesn't put on his urine drenched workboots in the garage.

I can handle it. Feel strong like bull.

Mules

Therein lies my problem with her. Right now I don't like anything about her. I'm serious...nothing. She has changed so much. If I met her today, there would be no chance that I would approach her. Not even close. I'm grateful for my family...you know, the one she chose to leave. Everything about her is a 180 of the person I fell in love with. That's what made detachment so easy for me after a point.

So I don't know where to start. Back to the comfortable shoes.

Strength and Honor.

Mules

Hey Bill - what an awesome, awesome passage. You think it would fit on a t-shirt??

Seriously, I love this. Words to live by right now. I will try as hard as I can, but one step at a time. And this is for me. It's one thing I have learned about myself. I think if I can achieve this then I will have accomplished all my goals for myself.

Going to start by letting go of the throat.

Strength and Honor.

Mules

Just want to update as it has been a 3 weeks or so. I am working on forgiveness, but quite honestly having a very hard time with it. It is easier said than done. I still have too much disgust in me. So for now I am working on the "letting go of the throat" part. I was in mass yesterday and was able to pray for her. I guess that's a start. The prayer had nothing to do with reconciliation as that is not what I want anymore. It had to do with the mother of my children being able to get her life in order so she can be in her children's lives. But really be there. Not the "for show" method she is doing now. I don't know if she will ever get there. But the longer it goes as it is, the more I see the boys just accepting that she is not really there anymore. S15 told me that he considers his grandmothers more of a mom than her. So sad, but so true.

My house is offically on the market. I am going to need to downsize to make this all work. So the wheels are finally in motion. There is someone coming to look at it this afternoon. I am also back in court on Wednesday. I am hoping this all comes to an end soon and we can move and get out quickly. I drove the boys by some houses on Saturday that we could possibly afford. They seem to be interested and liked what they saw.

As far as the weekend. We went, bowling, played video games, went swimming, went to Nathan's, went to Applebees,had pancakes, went for a drive blasting music, went to a b-day party, did some lawn work, played basketball, wrestled and played with Duncan. We are working on training him. We also went to my parents and the boys slept over their house.

As for me. I am now definitely in an R. Hard to believe, but I have really connected with this woman. Feeling things that I did not even feel with my STBX when we were courting. I think it's because I am coming into this from a completely different angle at a completely different age. I am attracted to things now that were not important to me 23 years ago. I am so much more in touch with what I want in a partner. I guess I know what to look out for right now. It's so early though as we have been seeing each other for a little over 6 weeks. But I have very strong feelings for her. I am doing a lot of self analysis though. I want to make sure that these feelings are genuine and not just reactionary to what I have been through. I have dated a lot of women in the last 4-5 months. TL calls me "3 and flee". 3 dates and I run like he!!. But honestly, I was just being true to myself and knew those women were not what I wanted. With this one, every thing feels so natural it's kid of scary. I don't want to run. I want to be with her and can definitely see myself with her long term. We have so much in common, first and foremost, family values. Spending time is easy and we both feel like we want to spend a lot more time together but understand that the kids need to be eased into something like this.

I feel good about this though because both S15 and S11 have told me that they want me to find someone and would like to have a woman around again. I want to make sure that statement is brought out in therapy for them. They have both told me that I seem very happy the last two months. S15 has asked about what I am doing. I don't like to lie to him so I told him some info but no details. To my surprise he was really happy. That really choked me up. I told him that I liked this woman very much so far, but it is very early. I told him she is the type of woman I could see myself with, but that for now I need to take it one day at a time and she is very cool with that.

That's it for now. I hope everyone is well and working on themselves.

Strength and Honor.

Mules

Mules, You sound so relaxed and on your game right now. Hard to imagine that you would be here a year ago.
We are taking our middle son down to college on Weds. Very gut-wrenching to think about him leaving.
Aren't you heading to Kiawah soon?

Cheers

Hey Coach - Yup - heading down on Thursday. Not 100% sure though. S11 is saying he'd rather stay home, so we are a little in limbo/ I know, bad choice of words, but I feel like the President of Limboland.

It is unbelievable to think that I would be here. In fact a year ago today was the final day in the dreaded Lake George trip, which was really the final straw for me.

Good call, I really do feel on top of my game. Finally. It seems weird to be posting on a marriage saving site knowing I didn't save my M. But I guess I know that unfortunately, many will be going down the same road and maybe it is helpful for them to hear that there is life after all this. That it does go on. I want any newbies to know that I did not want a D. Worked as hard as I possibly could to not go that route. Was on this site in some very dark times in my life. Didn't think I would be able to get through it. And that DBing does work in many different forms. I made a ton of mistakes like we all do throughout the process. But the WAS/MLCs, whatever you want to classify them are very fragile. Letting go of the rope and detaching in my opinion is the best possible thing you can do. And it is the hardest thing you'll ever have to do.

In my case, I felt I had exhausted all options, and was left with no choice but to take the path I did. I am now sure that this path was best for me and my children.

Strength and Honor.

Middle son to college?? Man coach, you are old..It must be tough to think about and bring up a lot of emotions, but one thing I know for sure: You can handle it..

Mules