It has been quite a past few days. I had a great week last week with being able to maintain a PMA and not let things get to me. Then I started seeing so much of my H peeking out and heard/saw things that really surprised me (in a good way). Of course there was still crazy MLC crap but good stuff too, "normal" stuff. Now we seem to be back into the pushing away part of the dance and I am letting it get to me too much. When I see the good things it is so hard for me to have patience because I almost expect things to snap back to normal and of course they won't. I need to just detach and enjoy the easier interaction between us and not worry about the timeline!
And I just can't get over the selfishness and how an adult can put their needs above their desires over their kids'. I wonder if he really just can't think about anyone else right now or won't?
I know everyone's journey through MLC is different but I can someone reconnect with the family BEFORE issues were worked through in his head? Some things he has said recently have made me think he really does know some of the things that are truly getting to him from his past and that he is realizing his void filling is not working but I can't see him being able to work through them anytime soon.
I have actually been watching the same thing with my H and wondering the same things about reconnecting. I sort of think in many ways that it is a joint process. My H has begun talking to me again. Not big stuff, but stuff that probably only I, someone who has walked his life with him, who understands the Rs he has with his family, the dynamics, could listen to and know what he is saying and feeling without many words or explanations. This has not happened in probably two years or more. I have nothing to offer him in the way of thoughts because he has to deal with these things, but I am grateful that he is sharing with me a little.
The kids thing is sad to watch no matter what age the kids are. But if you really look at the situation, other situations, you will see that more parents put their own needs over their children. My mother did, which is probably why I refuse to but not all parents are like that. Many people prescribe to the idea that if they are happy then the kids will be. Others just honestly think that their actions do NOT affect their children. My mother insists that NOTHING she did had anything to do with where my sister and I are and how our lives have gone. I won't get into the details, but if she had been more involved with us, I would bet my life that many of the things that happened to the both of us would not have.
Funny that you brought that up because my mother and I actually had a conversation about that last week. Since this stuff with H has been going on, she has taken the opportunity to try to explain her actions to me. To explain that she learned that she has to make herself happy. And that now maybe I could understand why she did what she did. After many times telling her I still could not, I was finally able to tell her in no uncertain terms, "yes I have to make myself happy because no one else can do it for me. But when it comes at the expense of the people that I love, when making me happy makes them miserable or changes their lives, then how can I honestly say that I am happy, because then I am hurting people." So needless to say, I don't judge my mother anymore because she does not think on that same level, but I don't think we will be having that conversation again. She had no response other than that I was right. But everyone has their own sense of what is right and how much it will or won't effect others and that is the bottom line.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I think it must be a joint process. When I first came on here and read the 6 stages of MLC by HB I was looking for the stages to be happening in that linear way. While it is a valuable resource, it certainly does seem like for most it doesn't happen that way and with those times frames. My H definitely is cycling between the replay, withdrawal, and depression and now really seems a bit in reconnecting as well. Can't wait for the replay crap to end.
I am trying to just be grateful, grateful, grateful for the positives and the good things that have happened and try not to get sucked in now as things have settled back into not as good. I am definitely not as detached as I need to be.
The whole selfish parent thing - I know many people are like that even if they aren't in MLC. It is just extra hard to see a man who was so selfless before being so selfish now. Do you think he realizes and just doesn't care?
It is interesting to see my S sometimes barely give his dad the time of day, a total 180 for him and H seems to be noticing a bit now. Good.
Right after the bomb(s), my H commented that he may lose his R with S but maybe someday it could be rebuilt. Keep in mind that I was planning on moving across the country. However, then he changed to nothing will change with S. For a while, I think he truly believed that, or at least refused to believe that S was being negativly affected and that it was either my way of trying to manipulate H into trying or S's way of manipulating me to let him do what he wants (remember preteen/teenager). Fast forward to today, two years after bomb one. Several months ago, S and H got into a knock down drag out fist fight, that H started with his mouth and S finished with his fists. Initially, H wanted to believe it was all S just being brat. Then as it was told to him what was witnessed by outsiders, H realized that he had much bigger role in it than that. Since then, H has tried to be with S if he says he will. This is something we have talked about alot because of how much H is working now. One day a few weeks ago, he said he couldn't believe that I didn't think he struggled with it every day. All I could tell him was that the H that I married I know would struggle with it but him now, I have no clue and that I am saddened because I know this is not the type of father he wants to be and that there is really very little time left before S is an adult. He is thinking. I can see it. I hear it.
Funny how the kids adjust. S wants his father around more and wants him normal, but he has even just started letting H be a whole bunch. I guess they detatch as well. And no my H was not like this for most of S's life either. Yes he has always worked a ton but he was dad, not father.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
Wow - your S took his fists to his dad? Must have been a bad fight! Sometimes I wish my S would act out in some big way against his dad to get his attention. I don't think my H realizes the extent he is damaging his kids. Makes me so mad. Things he has verbalized about his dad in the past that bothered him he is now doing which I would so love to point out to him but I think it would be futile whil he is still so much in the fog.
"Funny how the kids adjust. S wants his father around more and wants him normal, but he has even just started letting H be a whole bunch. I guess they detatch as well. And no my H was not like this for most of S's life either. Yes he has always worked a ton but he was dad, not father." - perfect! That is exactly what I see too here. My H has always worked really long hours but he ALWAYS made a point to spend time with the family when he could and was a dad (a great one, too) not a father. Now he still works long hours but absolutely everything else takes priority.
Blech - having a very negative attitude this week and feeling like my prayers are not being heard. I need to shake this!!
Yes H walked around with a bad black eye for over a week. It wasn't pretty but when I look at it, I can't help but giggle a little because it was deserved. I don't know how much attention it really drew (H likes to pretend things didn't happen, always has), but it was something. And it was something that showed me my own strength and faith because God was the ONLY thing that kept me from calling H's mother and telling her to come get her S and his stuff since she created this monster, she could have him back. But that would have been me punishing H and God wanted me to leave H to him to deal with.
Your prayers are being heard. Trust me on that. It is hard to have the patience required sometimes to see the answers to them and I always try to remember when I pray, I sit here and want to see certain answers and God doesn't work that way. Sometimes the answers are NOT what we think we want and we don't always want to do them. That day, that they fought, I WANTED to kill H. I WANTED to call a lawyer that second. I WANTED to leave. And I told H as much. Boy nothing like mother bear instincts. LOL. But I knew I had to calm down. I went home and left them with people that I knew would protect S if need be, and I sat with myself and I prayed and yelled and told God what I wanted to do. Then I told him that I needed him to tell me what to do because underneath what I wanted, it didn't feel quite right. I was told not to do anything. To let it be what it was, a fight, and not to punish H for it. To be nice and let it be. I didn't want to hear that. I didn't want to do that. I wanted to hurt him like he was hurting my S. But I was told to leave it. So I did. I argued with God for about a week about it. But then I finally said this is what you are asking me to do so I will. And I let it go, I have forgiven H, which I honestly thought would be impossible (again the mother in me) and I know that I will see God's hand in H's behavior with S as time goes by.
Sometimes we really just have to get out of His way.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
I worried(prob still do worry) bout the kids in all of this.But my GF who`s been through ssimilar herslef, explained that kids have a different perspective of their parents than we have of each other as spouses and that they probably didn`t view H in as negative light as I expected.
No I`m not happy with H`s lack of involvement with and indeed, his stated indifference towards the kids. But Hey, I think I`ve gotta drop that rope too.
Anyway, after five days showing my kids a good time(or so I thought!) DS declared today that Dad was much nicer than me!
No matter what, kids are much more forginv and indeed, notice a lot less than us spouses. Maybe we should aim to be as accepting, and more tolerant, as they are.
Don't remember how old your kids are and I know TIF's are younger. Yes they do notice stuff, more than we realize. If they feel comfortable enough, they will tell you what they think eventually. Again though, it depends on their age and how able they are to express their thoughts clearly.
My S, God Bless his heart, is my savior on some days. He allows me to see the humor in this, allows my frustration and shares his with me. He also has shown me my errors and has actually said things that make me see that he understands how blind his father is to things sometimes. So I love that he is the age he is. We have a lot of fun together and I think we are both helping each other through this. No he doesn't know all of the ugly details, but he has seen enough with his own eyes and ears to know this is all nuts.
For me, that is the hardest part in all of this. Because I do not want him to come out of this damaged and there are times when I have to wonder if D would just be the best thing for him. I don't think it is but there is definately a fine line.
"Acceptance doesn't mean resignation. It means understanding that something is what it is and there's got to be a way through it."--Michael J. Fox
FG - I am struggling too with the indifference on H's part with the kids. He says he cares about them but his lack of involvement says otherwise. I need to drop that rope better, too, but it is hard when we think about their little lives and hearts. I have been so angry and frustrated with that this week, and feeling like crying. A lot.
I am having such a hard time this week with feeling like my prayers are being answered. The peace is not there and the anger seems to be getting bigger by the day. I am sure part of it is the fact that last week went well and complacency set in.
He called to "check in" a few times last week (that has almost never happened for the past few months), he seemed way more interested in me/the kids, and there was even a tiny bit of what could be contstrued as "pursuing" on his part. This week - nada. I know this is part of the dance but last week sure got my hopes up. Bad detaching, I know.
You said, "Sometimes we really just have to get out of His way." You are so right and when I am able to remember that and do that I do so much better.
I had to laugh at your comment about wanting to send your H back to his mom. I so want to ship mine to his parents' too and tell them they can all sit around and be miserable together.:)
