Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Advice on DB-ing when sep spouse lives at home

Cat, thanks again for the advice and reminders. I really don't tell him much of anything that is at all deeply personal anymore, even if he pressures (though it is nice to have him ask and act like he cares because it has been months since he seemed to care much at all). I really don't trust him at this point - when I feel like it is "safe" I will start to open up. Something you said really struck me - about how they don't want anyone to see too far into them right now (and he has, like you then said, ALWAYS been that way to some extent, except he felt comfortable telling me). The stuff he tells me when he does open up is pretty deep and it doesn't happen too much. It isn't pretty stuff for sure.

I have used the past few months to make positive changes to me. At least that is one good thing that has come from all of this!:) I know I am coming through it a better, stronger, more centered person whose priorities are finally straight. I am hoping his journey leaves him the same way but that is his journey not mine.

I think I saw in another post of yours that you think your H is pretty well done with the replay, or at least that is what it seems? I know you are a spiritual person. Can I ask, was/is your H as well? I see that as a major factor in my H's situation.

Okay, so someone remind me why I am sticking around and putting up with the crap? Uggh. Having a hard time with my PMA this weekend.

Just venting - I'm sure I'll feel better tomorrow.

Vent away. Did something happen or just the normal tunnel ride?

Yes the replay seems to have dwindled to about zero but I know it could flare up at any point. So I am waiting on pins and needles. To be honest I don't know which is easier, angry, nutty, H or depressed, mopey H. I don't really like either but during real replay at least he had energy to do stuff. But he is ok. I am ok, well better than ok. Replay made me want to bail a lot more than this does.

Was/is my H a spiritual person? I really don't know. I know that doesn't sound exactly appropriate for a 20 year marriage LOL but.... I have always been very spiritual, had much faith in the Lord, my visions, dreams, and knowings, believing that they come from God and the angels. I have trusted them to guide me through my life, steering me from evil, showing me what was coming (even when I didn't like it), and basically always being there. I have witnessed true miracles, and know beyond a shadow of a doubt that death is not the end, just a way for us to travel into another existence. That is a story that I simply cannot share here because I can be easily identified by it as everyone who knows me knows that story. So when H and I met at 17, I was already very convicted in my beliefs. I have strayed and ignored the messages at some points and that has led me astray in ways that I hate to think about now, but I learned from those experiences so there was good in them. I have not been a "bible thumper" but that is because I, and H too, have questioned the teachings of organized religions. Not because of a lack of faith, but because of a lack of faith in the humans running the churches. H has not had the same experiences that I have that have so rooted my faith. He does believe to an extent, but another difference is that I was raised in a family that attended Church and believed. He was raised by a mother who wants to have faith, but does not. His father thought it was not real. H had one grandmother who had great faith, although she was not really very involved in his life to influence him after about age 10. The grandparents that were involved, they had Bibles, but that was it. It was not something that was really addressed in his house. I do not like to judge anyone's walk but I think it was more of a belief because you are suppossed to versus a belief because you know it is real. I hope that makes sense.

So to answer your question, H believes in something. I know he believes that I believe. He has, over the years, developed a confidence in my dreams and visions, simply because too many of them have come true for him to ignore. I don't know if he believes they come from God and the Angels, but he believes they come from somewhere. He believes in spirits to a degree, but he has not had any personal experience. He has told me that he has talked to God during this but nothing changed with what he was asking for. Funny because I had been asking for the same thing with the same results at the time. It was a process we each had to go through (related to MIL). It is all in God's perfect time that things happen and it wasn't time for that at that point. For me, it has finally occured and I find that to be wonderful and very freeing. I don't think it has happened with H. I think it may be beginning to happen but I don't know. If he comes to the same conclusions that I have regarding it, it is depressing to a degree. And I can see how it would be much more so for H. So his walk is not my walk. It may become stronger. I pray for that simply because of the peace and strength that can come from it. I have walked from God because of circumstances and I know where it leads. If I had not turned around and walked back, I know I would be D now. I was weak and I would not have had the strength to endure all of this on my own. Now I know I can endure anything with Him.

I think you said your H was sprirtual and that has left him. Don't discount God. He can get through to them. It is just difficult sometimes. I think to find true faith, we all go through a period of questioning sometimes. I also think when all of the stuff from the past rears it's ugly head, it is hard to change it all quickly. Over the last several years, my H has so reminded me of how he was when we met. He has talked about wanting to go back to when things were simpler (we were teenagers then). There were times when I actually said I didn't want two children because he was behaving EXACTLY like our pre-teen (at the time) son. Unfortunately, it took me a long time to really figure out what I was looking at. And a longer period of researching MLC to really believe it. Funny, the other day, H actually asked S how old he is now. He didn't know and S couldn't believe it. But that is par for the MLC course. The fog is shifting around, I am hearing "I don't know" in answer to almost everything and I really think he doesn't know what answer he wants to give. It's ok. H will get through this, I will get through this, I hope we get through it intact but we will be ok no matter what the outcome.

You and your H will get through it as well. It takes so much time. Time, growing, periods of testing of everything. Remember the old saying "out with the old and in with the new", that is what it is. Sometimes it is just hard to see the forest through the trees.

Wow, am I glad I stumbled upon this thread. SOOOO much of what trusting and Cat posted is so true of my situation too.

The alien at home. The spending. The moods. The anger. The emotional abuse. The rare windows of clarity when I took the chance to listen and validate. Then back to anger again"You have destroyed my life"!Awful to me, inconsistent with the kids. Or plain not there for any of us. Oh, and Mr Nice Guy once he steps outside the front door.

Yes, and he`s living at home too-me in the master bedroom him in the guestroom.

I think of this as a sickness-not just MLC anymore. Should I abandon him just because he`s sick? Or would he come to his senses if I threw him out? I don`t know.

I`ve made a LOT of progress since I started the DB journey. Loving detachment has been the very best thing for me. I`m also improving in so many ways and my life is filled with lots of happiness.

Still, the pain is there all the time.The fear that this will never work out.And the worry that I am making the right decisions for me and the children in all of this.

Can`t do that quote thing but Cat, you said:

"You wonder about how they can be miserable but no one knows. The MLCer, whether we like it or not, is a master at hiding the truth. I don't mean outright lies, but I would bet if you thought about your H and what you know about him from the beginning, you will realize that there has always been that "alter ego" that gets presented to the world. That is part of why this throws us for such a loop at the beginning (middle, bomb, who knows when it is that we find out LOL). I have actually gone places with H since the bomb and he had a scowl on his face and refused to speak, until some acquaintance walks up and then the smile and light appear until that person walked away. They are just very good at it and I truly believe it is when they can't hide from those of us who really do know them so well, that the bomb is dropped. Because they don't know what else to do at that point."

That rang so true for me in my M right now. As did so many other sentences from your posts.

TIF. this is not the worst journey is life. There are so many positives. One of them is finding who your true friends are, another is discovering your true self and another is finding people in similar situations on this board!

Okay, chin up, keep smiling, have fun, be well!

Fallgirl, looked at your thread. Yes, definite similarities! Cat has been great at giving advice and putting things in a clear light. I feel the same way as you - have made a good deal of improvements on myself and feel great about those and for the most part am at least reasonably happy but there is always that lurking "fear" that he won't come out of this. But really what can I do about that? Nothing. Just have to keep being me.

Cat, nothing in particular happened new. Just me having a hard time with a particular alien issue that I am having a hard time detaching from and accepting. Seriously, it is so juvenile. Anyway, it always seems when I am really questioning what the heck I am holding on for I get a "reason." Last night H did something for me that was selfless - vintage H and it has been a looooong time (probably months) since he really thought of me over anyone (esp himself). So I guess that is why. I do believe he is in there somewhere.

I hope you didn't mind me asking about your H's spirituality. It is just that it was such a big part of my H's identity and past that I feel like it is a big part of what he needs to deal with in order to come out of all of this and "recover" fully and become whole. It is interesting how my prayers have changed from asking God to make him change his mind to basically just praying for H to find what he is looking for and be healed and whole again. Ultimately that is the most important thing.

TIF
Glad you got a glimpse of Old H. As for what you can do about H not coming out of it, well, that`s the point I`m stuck on too.

I just hate that the memories my three will take with them are of living with a sulking father and a frustrated mother who have minimal engagement with each other. I`m actually glad that H bails out a often as he does-home late from work and out again-so we only have two hours of him and his moods most evenings.

But its hard to live with his hatred. If I got the chance of an affair right now I`d take it. I`m missing emotional and physical intimacy too long and not a hope of it in sight from H.

I`m wondering is it time for the `tough love` stage. Shape up or bail out buddy cos I`ve had it with him his moods, his blaming me for everything, and his absenteeism as a father too. H knows that in our country I`ll get custody of the kids, and get to live with them in the family home. He`ll be the big loser.

Then again it might give him the chance to live the bachelor life he so obviously craves.

Fallgirl.....


THAT.....Sounds like a ploy to me.....

Be careful what you ask for.....you might just get it.

IF...it interferes with YOU living your life for you, then yes, it may be better for you...

If you have to do this, and it is what is best for YOU, then find a balance and do it from a place of love instead of anger...

I.E.

Get the hell out !

OR

I see you struggling with things, and I want you to have the oppurtunity to think things through without any pressure from me....You deserve that...Why don't WE find a way for that to happen for you...

Trusting,

Don't worry about asking about H. I will tell you if I feel I cannot share something. Just wasn't the easiest answer. Been hit with some very hard questions on these boards in the last few days, which is a good thing.

You have to let go of the fear. Until that happens, you are not truly detached. You CANNOT control him, you cannot make his choices for him, and you will not be able to make any reasonable, rational choices for you if you are still living with fear of any of it. That hard weekend I had a few weeks back, that was when I let go of the fear. I have none now. It is really wierd to even say that. Yes I was detatched. Yes I was moving on, GAL, whatever you want to call it. Yes I was good with me. Yes I knew that no matter what I would be ok. But I was not trusting H's process for H. Fear is a horrible thing and once you learn to let it all go, you will be in a different place.

Cat,
I figured you would let me know if you didn't want to share. I know that you are trying not to say "too much" for anonymity-sake so I wanted to be sensitive to that as well.

I know, the fear thing. I do hate that aspect of it and am working through it. It just takes so much time and is a process. I know I would be fine without him - am coping fine now. My head knows it but it is my heart that has a harder time.

I read your question about saying ILY on another thread and I had been thinking about that on and off recently. I haven't said it for so long (since I stopped trying to "pursue" at all) that I wonder what would happen if I threw it out there. I have finally decided that I am not ready for that yet. I WANT to when he is acting so much like himself but there is still too much other weird stuff there. He has to know how I feel - my actions/attitude show it.

I also wonder what would happen if I were to walk up to him and plant one on him. Won't do that either though.

Mach,

Thanks for taking me to task. Sorry for the hijack TIF but cant find Mach`s thread.

Fear and anger both part of the same coin, eh? I feel as if H has the sword of Damocles over me these days and waiting for it to fall puts me in the fearful angry place. The place that got us where we are in the first place.

Yes, you`re right I have to come from my higher self and appeal to his higher self. Right now though we`re avoiding each other and maybe that`s ok too because we both need time to process our pain.

This detaching business is hard to get the hang of. Just when I think I am I realise from Cat`s statement that I`m not:

"You have to let go of the fear. Until that happens, you are not truly detached"

Hope you`ve some fun stuff planned for your day TIF! This is a one day at a time job!