Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Mulesqb - Surviving Deposition Day

Hey guys - thanks so much for the posts. Got in late today. I leave my house every morning at 6am to bring S15 to the train station. My in laws were over last night to see the boys and make dinner. So I parked my car down my driveway a pinch so they could get out last night when they left. So I go out this morning and get in the car. When S15 comes out of the house and starts walking toward my car - STBXW pulls out of the neighbor's garage and leaves. Right in front of S15! He was very upset. Every time we make progress for moving forward something like this happens. He is going to summer school now because he was so distracted during the school year. He has been doing very well in summer school and only has a week and a half left. But when I dropped him at the train station this morning -- there was the kid from the school year - head down looking at the ground - body language telling me he is defeated. I hate seeing this. I hate every minute of it. I did send STBXW a text regarding this and got into it a little bit with her. She can do what she wants to me - I don't care - but you don't do that to your kids and I will not stand for it.

I have a meeting with a realtor this evening. We are getting out of this place. I don't even care what we sell it for anymore. I think that also answers my question about those letters. They do mean something to me. But I don't think I'm going to give them to her. Not after this. This person has no clue.

I also wanted to clarify what I was feeling. I wasn't considering giving them to her to try and win her back. I actually liked what Greek wrote a lot about a note that says - this is the way I prefer to remember us. I think it was just a reach out on my end to show that I am still the same person I always was. Not sure why that was important to me. But just something I felt when I read the letters. Honestly - I'm not sure what she could do that would ever make me want her back.

My S15 and I had a father/son moment the other night with those letters. It made him happy to see that we were so much in love. I was trying to show him that I wouldn't shut the door on anything in the future becuase you never know what life will present you with. Heck, I never thought I would be here!

After thinking last night, I also believe I owe it to myself to see what this potential new relationship has in-store for me. One day at a time. This woman is a breath of fresh air with 3 kids and is a dedicated mother first. That is very attractive to me. We do have a pretty strong connection in that we are in the same place with our kids and they have similar interests.

I don't know - still thinking - taking it one day at a time. Trying to keep Strength and Honor - with a mild slip up this morning. But I believe I still have to show there are boundaries that can't be crossed that pertain to the kids.

Strength and Honor.

Mules

FWIW, I think EVERYTHING you just wrote makes perfect sense and is the right way to deal with the cards in your hand...

-AlexEN

Hey Bill!! So great to hear from you. It's been so long. Yes the DDWDIA club is an exclusive one. But I really do love being there for the boys and being so involved in their lives. I wouldn't have done well with the roles reversed.

As usual - everything you write is spot on. Having S15 open up the other night is something I won't soon forget. It was such an emotional night between that and the letters. Maybe that's what was drawing me to the "door ajar." After this morning's exchange I don't think it would be a good time anyway.

Thanks for the note - just to be clear - I am not in the DB mindset at all. I think I just wanted to journal that maybe a PA is something I could get past eventually. All along I felt it was the dealbreaker. But S15 brought up a scenario where maybe for my family's sake I could at least entertain this.

It's all so hard - even this far out. I am definitely not going to put my life on hold. I feel blessed to have met this new woman even in this early stage, even if she turns out to just be a good friend.

Moving forward with no expectations, no plans and no knee jerk reactions.

Strength and honor - for theboys especially.

Mules

Hey Mules... I haven't been here in a long time. I thought I had moved on. silly me.

Reading your thread just now reminds me why I spent so much time here before.

I go for his deposition in a few weeks and had no idea what to expect. Thanks for sharing some of yours.

I'm so sorry your son had to see her leaving the neighbors house. That is completely out of line on her part.

Hugs

Hey SC - Great to hear from you - this is like a reunion! The deposition isn't bad. You don't have to go if you don't want. I wanted to. I wanted to look into her face. It told me a lot. She's not happy - I don't care what anyone says. I will be.

It's more important for you to be completely prepared for yours. I spent two days with my L preparing and now they pushed mine back.

Thanks for the words about my son. She has been completely out of line on a lot of things. But that will be her cross to bear.

Things really will get better. Good things happen to good people. I believe that.

Strength and Honor. And Hugs!

Ok - I decided I'm definitely not going to do anything with the letters. After all that has happened I am just going to continue moving forward as I have. I think between S15 and the sentimental trip down memory lane, I was just remembering some old feelings.

The truth is STBX has really been out of my life for a good 6-8 months. And when I'm not exposed to any of her BS I am flourishing with the boys. Her family has become a big part of our lives again and have ended their R with her. They told her they would never accept the neighbor, nor the way she has handled this. That was in mid-May. STBX has not spoken to them since. I feel terrible about that. They are amazing people and have tried to be there for both me, STBX and most importantly, the kids. And all they have gotten back is crap from her. They have told me time and again they feel like they have lost a daughter, like she has died. I had the same emotions. This is worse than a death though - because you still see her, and you still see what she has become.

I met with the realtor last night. We'll see how every thing goes. I hope we can sell fast and get away from all this. We have to go through a few steps before it is actually on the market.

I continue to bond with the new woman in my life. We text each other all the time during the week. We text right up until we fall asleep. She is a single mom of three boys also, so our schedules are tough. We have seen each other the last three Saturday nights and will do so again this week. We have great physical chemistry. I have been out with many women over the past few months. I had a hard time adjusting to it. Anytime I felt I was going to get intimate with one, I pretty much bolted. Just didn't feel right. I really think you need to date a lot before taking that step, at least I do. I do feel comfortable with this one and feel I am ready to make that jump. That is a huge step personally for me. Vets of my sitch may remember why. Thanks for being here, all of you! And please let me know if my experiences can help shed any light on your sitches.

Strength and Honor.

Mules

So you ruled out anthrax and voodoo? Just kidding!

Are you going to buy a new house in the area?

Texting in bed, don't let your Mom catch you.

Cheers

Thx bro! Actually Anthrax is a heck of an idea. Good thing Greek came back - she had no idea what was coming at her!!

Yes, my plan is to stay in the area - keep the boys in the same school keep all of my community involvement. That will actually be very uncomfortable for STBX. A lot of people know what has transpired. If any of it gets back to the kids, I will have to rethink.

Just feel like journaling today. STBX family has really helped me a lot the past few days. They have picked up the boys from camp for me and cooked dinner and even babysat for me on sat night. Last Friday night STBX took S11 out for pizza and then drove him to his baseball game. We both arrived at the same time. I was still pissed about the whole coming out of the neighbor's garage thing - so I just got out of my car and walked to the dugout and didn't pay any attention to her. That night I thought about that. I think it's going to take me a while to come to grips with what's she's doing there. It's very difficult to live that close to it, see what she's doing to the boys and then be friendly. That's something I will have to work on.

After the game S15 told me that she walked right by him and didn't say hello to him and completely ignored him while hugging and kissing the other two. That angered me. Of course she didn't stay for the game despite bringing S11 up to it. She has now not been to any of his games - baseball or basketball- for a year and a half. I do recognize though, that I am the coach of the team, all the parents are very close with me and know the sitch. There is no way she can face them. I just feel bad for S11, because it would mean the world to him if she stayed just once to watch him.

On Sat I had a date again. 4th date with the same woman. We definitely have a connection. Wont get into details, but I'm at the point with her now where I will have to take the next step physically. This is where I have run away from every other woman I have dated. I don't want to run from this one. But it is a big deal to me. I have to think about it. I do know that I finally feel ready.

When I got home from date - STBX's parents talked to me for a long time about things. I'm trying to help them come to grips. It's not easy.

On Sunday - S11 just started talking about the sitch in the car while we were driving. It was with me and the other two boys. Kind of interesting to hear him talk about it. This is what he said as best as I can remember: "Dad - I really think mom is going to change back to the way she used to be. I think she is really having a hard time with age. I think it really bothers her that she is getting older and that's why she decided she doesn't want a life with us. But I don't think she's happy no matter what she does with neighbor. I really think by her next birthday (next March) she is going to have enough of this and come begging for you and us to take her back. She knows deep down that he's a jerk. I really think that Dad. She knows you are doing a great job taking care of us, she's watching Dad, I know she is. Her next birthday she's gonna start forgetting about her age."

That was it in a nutshell. The first time he has really opened up about it. I just acknowledged what he said and validated him. But i thought about it a lot. When I hear things like that though it makes me feel guilty about dating.

Dating is not easy. I really have one night per week that I can do it. Thankfully, the woman I am dating is in the same boat and understands. But when you have a connection, you want more. So it can be challenging. I talked to her about it and we both agreed about priorities.

So much mixed emotions still. My D should be done in the next month. I feel like my M has been over for eons. Yet I read threads here and everything kind of went fast in my sitch in comparison. It's been a year and a half since the bomb. I look back and know that I made mistakes - but I know everything was with good intentions. I wish I could work on forgiveness. Having a very hard time there. Maybe after me and the boys move that can happen. It's just that I have a hard time respecting a parent that walked away from her children. I have a hard time with the choices she's made and the life she's living and the friends she's made. How can I forgive that?? Will let you know if I get there.

Strength and Honor.

Mules

Mixed emotions in that post!? Mules, you are still dealing with a lot about your marriage ending, your wife's behavior, the boys holding onto a reconciliation possiblity and now you have a new woman you like. That's a Category 5 hurricane of emotions!

Forgiveness. I think it is hard to forgive when the other person doesn't validate the hurt and pain they have caused to you. You have been taking great care of the boys, working to save your marriage and keep the family together and what have you got in return? It's normal to be hurt, bitter, and frustrated for a while. It gets easier to forgive when you can have compassion and empathy for the other person. Pray for your enemies. The Greek has taught in Sunday school that if you don't know what to pray for then start by praying this, "God, help her to have comfortable shoes." Start then then work up.
This isn't going to get worked out overnight. Lot's of growing and learning still to take place in the Mules household. You know you can handle it.

Strength and Honor

Cheers