What do you think her reaction would be?? I think she would say that that person died a long time ago and things change. That was part of her script.
You know how hard those words hit you? What makes you think they wouldn't hit her just as hard? Her initial reaction would probably be ugly b/c those words - her words - attack her current position. I know you see a different woman today than you married but I've told you this before - the woman you married is still in her own heart somewhere. Think about it - no matter how old YOU get, no matter how much your life and situations have changed, can't you still conjure up memories and feelings from your childhood? Little hurts, loves, experiences...no matter how far away we get from them, hearts remember. STBXW fell in love with you, had sons with you, built, worked, lived beside you. Whatever she is up to or down with now, those two decades are still harbored in her being. WAWs are not completely without a soul - you know that.
I wouldn't bet against her lashing out or saying something really snotty about getting the letters...at first. But I would also bet my next little educator's paycheck that she reads them and loses balance.
Ok I'm sold but how do I get them to her?? You know the type of garbage she is hanging with. What's the move?
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
I think that's what she would say if you gave them to her...
Now, if she were to find them on her own...
Wouldn't know where to leave them. Does she just find them?? Or does it look like I left them out and was reading them?? Anyone think that matters.
Or, the truth? S found them and read them and you reread them, too... and maybe you could add (@Greek, what do you think?) that's how you choose to remember your R.
You aren't telling her to read them, but she might be curious enough to take a look. She either is or isn't, but like everything else she does, it's not in your control what she chooses to do with that information, but it's there.
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
Thx Alex-i'm just feeling right now that I want to make sure I have no regrets later on. It's tough to navigate through the emotions. Maybe this is pretty typical of the end. I don't know. Lots to think about tonight.
Strength and Honor.
M 43 W 44 M 17 T 22 S16,12,9 Bomb 2/05/08 I served her 1/06/09 S'd 3/15/09 D'd 12/21/09
"Tough times don't last, tough people do." --My Dad to me years ago, me to my boys now.
Good to "see" you again. I'd disagree that the words would hit her...or if they did that you'd ever know. Showing old love letters is a classic DB101 no no. It doesn't acheive what you hope it would. But if you don't hope for it to do anything...then you really have nothing to lose. I'm just saying that I wouldn't bother...that was another life to her, kind of like finding love letters sent to an old boyfriend from high school. Talking about "forever" is pretty much par for any committed relationship.
I mainly wanted to talk about "door ajar". I wouldn't concern myself too much with what the door is doing. If by some miracle your wife wakes up and actually considers a relationship with you again, you can determine then if the door is ajar. I feel for that to ever happen she has to 1) get over the neighbor and 2) discover that you are dating someone. Plus, she has to reach that place herself. Will she ever get there? Who knows. Sounds like you are keeping busy enough that you don't even have to waste much time thinking about it. If it happens, it happens, if not you'll wake up some day and realize that you've been divorced for years.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Good to "see" you again. I'd disagree that the words would hit her...or if they did that you'd ever know. Showing old love letters is a classic DB101 no no. It doesn't acheive what you hope it would. But if you don't hope for it to do anything...then you really have nothing to lose. I'm just saying that I wouldn't bother...that was another life to her, kind of like finding love letters sent to an old boyfriend from high school. Talking about "forever" is pretty much par for any committed relationship.
You're right - Mules may never know what those letters will mean to her. But I would bet it all that they WILL hit her. You are discounting her capacity to remember, feel, possibly regret, to wonder what happened, to reflect on moments that SHE sees as turning points. WAW...are people, too. There. I said it.
I don't recommend this to Mules as a way to win her back. Not at all. But it is a way to reach out to the woman he has 25 years of history with. Those letters are part of that history and I think he should share them with her - one human being to another.
Cheers ~~~
Me45 H46 T25 M22 S21 & 19 D13 Separated and filed 8/08 Moved home 11/08
And, if he has any other possessions at all of hers, he could box all of them together and say he came across these and thought she would want them. He could even pass it through the L's.
I would absolutely not say your son read them!!! That would rub me the wrong way and I am the LBS. Those letters were for your private eyes then, and that is true now.
No expectations, no disappointments.
Me 45, H 46, S 23, M 26, Together 30, Bomb 6-2-08, S 6-19-08; H left 12-29-08. H home 12-09, Still MLC in 2012! Me- I have my big girl panties on. Bring it.
Mules, if they are at all important to you, I'd suggest -- if you DO give them to her -- that you make copies. In her current state, there's no telling what she'd do with them.
Wow Mules...divorced by Labor Day. It still makes me shake my head how long term marriages suddenly are eliminated. You sound good though, and I applaud you for embracing your entry in to the "Divorced Dad's who Do It All" club. Not so many of us, usually it's the wives that get that role.
Very moving what your 15 year old spoke with you about. I'm sure that my two boys have kept from me (and their Mom) much of the hurt that they felt at the end of their parents marriage. Things were too tense as events unfolded, and I think our kids just want peace for everyone at first.
As for the letters, I'm not sure that this is something you want to do. At this point in time they probably mean a lot more to you than they do to her. Giving them to her right now, no matter how you go about it, has to look as though you are pursuing her in some way. Maybe if you can find a back door way to get them to her...I'm not sure.
More worrisome to me is the potential impact on YOUR mindset. Now is NOT the time for you to be getting back in to "DB'ing mode" when it comes to your soon to be ex. And what I mean is that at this point, you're not motivated by saving a marriage, at least I wouldn't think so. Leaving the emotional door open is one thing, but I know you're not ready to start putting your life on hold again just to see if there can be a chance with her.
Keep loving those boys, and keep loving yourself enough to be good to yourself. Everything will take care of itself in the end.
Blessings,
Bill
"Don't tell me the sky is the limit when there are footprints on the moon."
