Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums THE SEX-STARVED MARRIAGE Are Affairs Ever an Option?

Bluerain:

In one sense I agree with you and all the damage that can be done, particularly when one spouse decides what the other one feels and then justifies his or her next actions on that.

SSMguy makes the point that rather than doing that, his situation is one of "informed consent." Maybe less problematic than the "typical" (if one can call it that) affair.

When you have a clear "I am never going to have sex with you again" as a declaration, the options are pretty thin and no amount of "trying" will ever solve the impasse. Trying creates such a crutch by itself.

Do, or do not. There is no try.

Bluerain, you've done a lot more than my wife. At least you're trying by reading books and being willing to talk about it. I'd be very happy if my wife would do that. I bought several of the SSM books on this website, one of the tape courses, and had counseling sessions with one of the coaches, which have all been helpful to me. My marriage is still an SSM, but at least I understand the issues better and I know I'm not alone in what I'm dealing with.

And you're right, having sex outside the M is not a good idea. It's just that having no sex, or getting divorced, are worse ideas.

And yes, I mentally know that I'd probably find a more intimate relationship to be more fulfilling. But I don't really feel that loss so much because I have little experience with such a relationship to compare with my present situation. I'm used to having to figure out what to do with my sexual desires in other ways, while keeping my emotional relationship separate and without erotic aspects. It can be a bit stressful at times, but it's something I've adapted to.

Actually, Bluerain, your question made me think a little. Yes, I know I could fall madly in love, but I'm very careful to not let that happen because that really would disrupt things for a lot of people.

Not at all sure I agree on either count.

Virtually_Handsome, I would have said the same thing before it became an SSM. As long as our marriage was sexual, it was unthinkable for me to even consider an outside relationship. As they say, why go out for hamburger when you can have steak at home?

My sexual thoughts tend to be about things that have a real chance of happening. It took some time, but after years of my wife showing ZERO interest in sex, even during romantic vacations, I no longer saw her as a sexual person with whom I could have erotic experiences. And other things, which could happen, became appealing -- things I would never have considered in a sexual marriage.

I'm not really here to discuss the downside of anything I've done outside the marriage. It doesn't really suggest a solution, and it isn't the source of the problem. What I haven't given up on is if there is any way I can turn my wife around, when I've already tried everything, literally. I've had people tell me it's not going to happen, and they're probably right. I'm out of ideas. It's just that I'm not willing to divorce as a solution, at least not at this point. That's why I like Michelle's approach of doing everything possible to try to bring the marriage back to a sexual one and not giving up quickly, which seems to be popular approach. I've heard too much of the, "No sex -- I'm outa here". Or, "My spouse cheated -- I'm outa here." Like those are solutions. Yeah, right. That's just running away from the problem.

Well, I do have some experience in this area.... it's been 4.5 years now.

Even through that I had no interest in an A. Now we are headed towards D, it's not just about the SSM, but it is what it is.

Everyone has to choose for themselves. In my opinion, which applies only to me, I would say that choosing to live in a SSM, or getting D, are "better" options than an A. Which isn't to say they are a great idea! In any case, you have to be prepared to live with the consequences of your choice.

By the way, I agree very much with a point Michele made in a magazine article I saw on the web the other day. She had a list of myths, one being that if a couple manages to restore emotional closeness in their marriage, the wife's sexual desire for her husband will be restored. Yes, it's sometimes true, maybe even often true. But it is NOT always true.

For some women, like my wife, you can have emotional closeness until the cows come home, and you still get zip in the sex department, with no exceptions for years and years.

In fact, as Michele points out in that article, the emotional closeness just becomes a close brother-sister thing for the woman. Better yet if you remain somewhat apart emotionally, with a sexually charged dynamic going between you instead. I've tried that too, with zero results so far.

As for the advice given me about divorce being preferrable, I'm not interested in a new wife, with a new mother-in-law, new step kids, etc., etc. I just want to know what good sex is like. Otherwise I'm happy with my wife.

Changing or splitting up homes, vacation homes, property, kids, responsibility for college educations, and good relations with in-laws, etc., etc. just so dad can see what a little sex is like seems really dumb. And I mean really DUMB. Dumb, dumb, dumb.

And so is having an affair yourself, in my opinion.

Puppy

Never said having an affair was not also running away from the problem. More accurately, I would call it stepping away from the problem and creating yet another problem. But it's the only other option I had after many years of celibacy.

Unless you consider living with celibacy for years to be the only way to not run away from the problem. And just to preempt the comeback I always get, yes, we were in therapy for the issue for many years. It helped, and we get along fine in other ways. It's just that lots of talking, vacations, candlelight dinners, dancing, me doing housework, and gifts has not made her one bit interested in sex.

I'm still available to my wife if she wants to turn the problem around.