Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Scared but ready #7

Hello. No worries, I don't think his drinking is my fault whatsoever.

So. The night after his last bad episode, we were watching TV together and talking, and we saw some LiveStrong commercials, about different athletes that have survived cancer, and were talking about hope, blah blah.

And he says he wishes he had been a better man about handling his own situation. That he handled it with drinking, and he proceeded to talk about all of that in a mature sincere manner that I found surprising. He told me he thinks he was addicted to his painkillers at the end of the year (which I also thought), and then started drinking a lot of hard liquor to compensate for going off the drugs. And he knows it was too much and it did affect the family, and he was sorry for that. He says he's quit drinking liquor (still drinks beer, but the fallout is much less horrible when he drinks beer...he mostly just vegges out and goes to sleep), that he's quit drinking in the car. That drinking in the car all the time was ridiculous behavior and he had no excuse for it.

So I didn't say much, as that is quite a minefield, I just nodded sympathetically from time to time.

He said he's feeling a lot better since he laid off all the vodka. Ya think?

So that was all positive, and from what I can see it seems to be true. But I am not all excited or anything. 24 hours before this conversation he was totally irrational and mean. 24 hours from now he could be again. Like when he read that Stosny book and he seemed to really get it, and it was such a "breakthrough" and then he went back to the same hostility and blamed it on me.

But I will take it as some progress. I got a new job recently that is really satisfying, though it doesn't pay much. But I feel like I have control of my own environment there, and a lot of autonomy and appreciation, and it makes it easier to tolerate his stifling control of what we eat and when and all that crap. I just think, yeah, great, whatever.

I'm also around a lot of young people and creative people and it's very inspiring. I can't believe how much I've lost all my confidence over the last 10 years. It makes me feel sad...but I feel like I can begin to turn it around. Once upon a time I was a person who felt like I could do anything if I set my mind to it.

Sounds like H is recognizing his problem but as it is a serious life threatening illness, it is not as easy to stop as we would think. My H had this similiar pattern, where he would have these moments of clarity and sanity. He would make changes in what he drank or when etc. It became part of the process that showed him his problem. Each attempt to control his drinking will fail and eventually he will see it all for himself. Hopefully it will not be b/c he or anyone else is injured.

As I figured this part out, it became easier to let go of the arguments and allowed him to see his problem instead of our arguing. Sounds good that you have an outlet that reinforces what you can do and will help you rebuild your self confidence. A is an illness that affects everyone around the A. The experience will clarify things for you.

Well...watching H be sober is interesting. He didn't drink much over the weekend. He is discovering all kinds of new things, like he's Rip Van Winkle and just woke up in his own home...and is somewhat curious as to why everyone avoids him and is inexplicably defensive.

He was enjoying a National Geographic magazine, and he looked at me and said..did you buy this?? Um, nooo. We've been getting it for six months. Gift from my parents. Really?? he says. Wow, never noticed it before. Never noticed the bright yellow NG and other people reading it or discussing it in the same room with him.

Didn't realize that thing in the garage was something important. The cedar chest I inherited from my grandmother, that survived Hurricane Katrina, filled with my mother's old letters. That thing? Oh, sorry I was using it for a work bench.

It's a bit surreal...like, how drunk have you been?? Just sitting around in a fog, apparently.

So, on Sunday, we had an argument...which was kind of going the same way as always, except I am stronger than I used to be. He told me I was sick and I just laughed at him and started reading a book. So then after a while, he came over and said, okay what did I do?

I said, are you being sarcastic?? He says no. I seriously want to know what I'm doing that makes this happen. Of course, I'm still thinking..is this a trick? But he seemed genuinely confused by the fact that "everyone" is mad at him and blows up at him for NO REASON AT ALL. It finally occurred to him that maybe he IS doing something to cause it.

So, and this is unbelievable!!, we went thru the previous conversation sentence by sentence...discussing how each comment fed the next, etc. Normally confronting him about words that come out of his own mouth makes him totally CRAZY. But this time he wanted to discuss it. So we did, and I apologized for some of what I said, and stood by some other things I said. He apologized and said he realizes he has to change the way he talks to us. So it was a good conversation. I still don't trust him because he can think that way today and if I let my guard down he'll try to annhilate me later.

Anyway, I've seen some very positive signs. And I realized that it's possible for me to feel affection for him when he behaves rationally. Then he finally joined facebook. He's run me down about facebook constantly. But he joined and actually we were kind of having fun with it, and I felt this ridiculous surge of joy about it. That it would be fun together. Silly socializing with all our mutual friends.

But then I SAID that to him, with smiles, and he immediately went into curmudgeon mode about how stupid it is and a total waste of time. Of course it's a waste of time. So is watching baseball if you ask me, but it's still fun. I still feel pulled in different directions because he gives with one hand and takes away with the other in the most discouraging passive aggressive way. UGH!

So that's just an update. I have no goal really besides going to work and getting the kids ready for school to start. I'm trying to stand aside and let him go through whatever it is he's going through.

This is big that he took your feedback. You coached him now praise him for the way he handled that. Let him know how much it means to you and you realise that it is probably difficult for him to hear some of these things. You are leading/tough loving him.

Cheers

So, things are going pretty well right now. I haven't directly praised him...I know what you're saying, but he is so contrary that it will likely start another fight. You can't talk to him like a normal person. I've just been trying to be more complimentary of him and his efforts at other things, like cooking. He likes to cook and I've started working fulltime recently. It won't stay this way, but I've had to stay a bit late in the evenings and I have to do some strenuous stuff just for the moment. I have been beat! And he's wanted to cook and stuff and I've tried to be super duper appreciative, etc. Well, I am. lol He seems to respond to that.

The biggie for today was that I sideswiped a pole in a parking garage today. Just the front quarter panel...anyway, i called and told him. There was a long silence. Then he said it was okay, it was an accident. One thing I've always held against him was the time I was in an actual car accident, with another car...and I called him all shaken up and the first thing out of his mouth was "you know you just made my car insurance go up??" Didn't even ask if I was okay. So...silence is a good step for him.

I told him it looked really bad, not that it does so much...but, in a 180, I told him it was awful, so then maybe he'll say it's not so bad. Normally I would say it's not so bad (glass half full) and he'd freak out and say it's awful (family trait). Just as an aside, I've learned that his family likes to wring their hands, hang crepe, and say "ain't it awful." If you DON'T act like that...they think there must not be anything wrong. I despise acting that way, but sometimes...well, when in Rome...

So the car looks SO BAD... lol

Anyway, he's staying off the liquor, and he's been engaged with the family. And we are all doing pretty well. He barely touches me however. Distant in that way. But he's stopped being mean for now.

Hey Breakaway,

This sounds really positive. Sure, guys got a ton of baggage. But still some tangible bright spots! Keep up the good work.

Hey you. Yeah unfortunately I have a lot of baggage because of his baggage, ya know? But I'm still working on it.

So I have two big problems.

One...on the bright side, he is keeping his word so far and staying off hard liquor. Has cut way way back on drinking but still drinking some beer, especially on the weekend, but still keeping to what other people would call a "normal" level of drinking. It's not ideal, but it's a big improvement. He is making an effort to be engaged with the family and we've been doing things together. He's tried not to be critical. He's not been openly hostile since giving up liquor.

The problem? Well..I'm still pissed. I am having a really really hard time just going, oh fine. Then all is well, let's just dance in the sunshine. I have been through hell the past year and a half, especially the last six months. I hurt. I don't know how to just pretend it didn't matter. I don't even know how I feel about him. What I do feel is pressure. Like pressure to smile and be happy and treat him great so he doesn't feel bad and regress. Or yell at me. I STILL feel pressure to keep my mouth shut about anything that does bother me. I don't feel safe, I don't feel relaxed. I think I've stopped feeling scared long enough to just feel plain angry. I feel almost sick with anger sometimes.

Two...and much worse, yet related...is that I have to sit him down and go over our financial situation which is not what he thinks it is. Why? Because I lied about it. At the beginning it was just putting him off when he was terribly sick with treatments and on medications and not knowing what the hell was going on. I just did the best I could, and it really wasn't very good. I do know when we got our taxes done that we made 25% less income last year because of the illness, plus all the medical expenses. So..actually it all makes sense. It's not like I did anything terrible. I paid our bills. We don't have much left. I checked with my SIL who's a mortgage person and she figured out what it would be to refi and pay off some credit card debt and have some savings again and actually reduce our pmt. Our house is close to being paid for...so we will still have tons of equity. See, writing it down, it doesn't sound so bad. We're still in tons better shape than most of the country. That isn't going to matter. It's not even the lying that's going to make him mad.

he just has these black and white ideas. He will NEVER refi the house, he will NEVER have any debt, he will never this or never that. This is going to be the end of the friggin world to him. He is not going to listen to why and how and what. I would almost rather leave him a note and file for divorce than confront him with this. OTOH...we were discussing the bill for his last CAT scan, which was 330 dollars, for the radiologist (a few more for the hospital). He totally freaked out. WHAT??? WHAT??? HOW MUCH???? I was like, it's fine, it's fine, it's fine. Then he goes, oh thank you, thank you for not telling me any of that while I was sick. I could NOT have handled it.

So I'm thinking...I knew that. He couldn't handle anything. He's been talking a lot lately about how bad it was for him, about how he couldn't cope with having cancer and going thru treatment. Of course all during that time he told everyone that he "didn't even think about it." I was frequently told by others how incredible he was, how great he handled it, blah blah blah. How much faith he had!! I'm like...are you f'ing KIDDING ME??

Anyway, I was in a flat out panic before I started typing this...but now I'm thinking...wait. This is not that bad. He has to accept the situation. It is what it is. We can start over. But I still feel like I'm going to puke.

I know I talked about this a long time ago, about going over this stuff with him, and then he was just so drunk all the time...well, I didn't do it. I haven't had the courage. So yeah, breakaway's a liar.

Please pray for me folks...because somewhere this rational part of me knows things will be better when this is finally taken care of. Even though he will bring it up every day for the rest of my life.

I forgot to say that this is another reason I have asked him repeatedly to go to marriage counseling. So we could talk it out with a neutral third party...and negotiate how to handle these situations...and he just won't do it.

Oh I know JUST what you mean about talking about it with a third party and also being angry now that he is starting to be nice.

And, just a small slap for ya. You don't know for sure how he will react so stop catastrophising!!!