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Gardener,

I don't think your wanting to set that boundary is unreasonable. You can make your point politely and firmly.

I like the approach of letting her know she should let you know when she's coming over - it's YOUR house. And, add the example you said - what if YOU (W) were coming out of the bathroom and saw Gardener standing in your kitchen unannounced?

She should understand, and she may wonder why you are wanting to know when she's coming over - does Gardener have someone over there with him of the female persuasion? Hmmmm.

thanks, gima,So you vote a and b? Good idea.

Just my DIL!
Thanks, gima. I would appreciate your thoughts on my ramblings of yesterday if'n ya get a chance, buddy.

Yeah, but DIL isn't there 100% of the time I bet. So, W can't know what goes on all the time at Che Gardener. Point is (and I know you get this) what W's perception is. You don't lie to her of course, but you cannot control what she thinks. May not make any difference, but it can't hurt either if maybe something stokes a little concern/jealousy in her.

I will check out your yesterday post and let you know. Need more coffee.

i would suggest telling her politely to let you know when shes coming over first and if she gets angry, simply ask her your second suggestion, what if (w) were coming out of the bathroom and saw Gardener standing in your kitchen unannounced?

dont know if that would push her away even more but like GIMA said, it does maintain an element of mysteriousness..

Gardener,

I think I like beepee's approach better. If you tell her (a), and she doesn't push you to whip out (b) (que visions of Clevon Little in Blazing Saddles), then more mystery might be created.

Ok, I'll take a stab at this.



Just like mine. They cannot explain it b/c they probably don't understand themselves or the reasons WHY. So, if they don't understand, how are WE supposed to? We aren't. And we may not ever know. Not appealing, but it is the cold, hard truth.



EXACTLY. You can't MAKE her change, but you can make her WANTto/THINK ABOUT changing.



First, b/c to do otherwise is pursuit. You know where that leads. Second, b/c this is something SHE has to work through. Not something you can push her through or speed up. Remember, this all started with our W's losing trust in us, usually over a LONG time. It's gonna take time to build that back up.



Yep, me too. Minor disagreements, but in 15 years, I cannot recall what I would call a big fight we ever had. This is not unusual.

Just keep doing what you are doing. Get more and more comfortable with you, let your confidence grow, allow your religious relationship to evolve. These are the things YOU can control. Everything else has to work itself out.

Re: sacred and confused girl

Ok, picture yourself trying to approach a scared critter such as a stray cat or a deer, etc. All you want to do it help it - pet it, feed it, rescue it, etc. But you know if you take a step toward it, if you look too threatening, it will scoot further away or ball up if it's trapped (or maybe even lash out at you), or it will bolt and run. YOU may know that you're not a threat, but IT doesn't.

Same principle here. With the critter, the best way to coax it is to put the food down beside you, a little distance away and then read a book or do some other activity that takes the pressure of your interest off the target. When that happens, you open the door for the critter to gradually approach to investigate what you've offered.

This is a whole lot easier on both you and the critter than provoking full flight through the underbrush, ending with a grab and tackle maneuver that is pretty much guaranteed to leave both of you bleeding.

I fully believe that there are some instincts at play here, even for us walking-upright, tool-using critters. Fight, fight or play dead - that's what we do when we're in survival mode. For the WAS, it's fight, leave or total shut down. So to get to any sort of good place, we have to get the other person out of survival mode.

Does that help?

Good post Dia.

Hey Gardener!

Stop. Just stop right now. Stop that 'thinking alot' thing. Thinking alot is like hitting a dead horse. Swirling thoughts of shuddawuddacudda that go absolutely nowhere. The past IS the past. Who you are now, how you're growing and changing in a positive manner is what counts.

Backward thinking is guilt's slippery way of holding on. Shoo, guilt, shame, shoo.

Uncontrolled drinking is alarming, a manner of self medication, zoning out and withdrawing from emotional pain. Followed by depression 2 1/2 years later. Several different types of depression exist. It's not a one size fits all. Something's been amiss for a while. Perhaps that's why she thinks YOU'RE not happy. A cop out on her part. It's not her job to do your thinking for you.

Your wife telling you what's specifically wrong would be a peachy way to 'fix' things. How about changing the sentence to what YOU need in a relationship? Successful relationships are dynamic, not one way scenarios.

G-man.. you understand her. Go with that understanding and compassion but drop the rest. All those thoughts are suckers that draw life from primary plant. Big picture.. keep focused on the goal.. BE the goal patrol!

How's your inner voice developing, the bullshit meter? DB starts out as a lifeline and progresses to a technique in your arsenal of new found skills. Anything new takes lots of practice, uses energy. It's your choice what you focus on, what your goals are in your marriage, relationships and life.

Would you go to your wife's home unannounced, walk in without knocking, knock once, call out then come in? Once again focus on boundaries and goals. Is it a question of respect, respecting the situation? Do you ever share things that troubles/bother you? Here's a tool I use:

"When blah blah..., I feel blah blah, because blah blah."

Or in the situation you describe

"When you're in the house unexpectedly, I feel uncomfortable because (fill in the blank)."

It's expressive without being judgmental or aggressive.

You're the man.

*hugs*

Oh yes.. and if you're looking for a GAL experience, come see "The Music Man" in Shelton running this weekend and next. Broadway caliber sets, spot on period costumes and skilled performers.. simply amazing! Contact Center Stage in Shelton for info.

GIMA - what are you on??????

I'm about to eat! and now all I can think of is a camp fire combined with a belly full of beans

Gypsy - very interesting post. Filed away for future reference. Thanks.

Mac