Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers ~ My story ~

To all - My story is very long just as the majority of the ones I've read here. I'll try to be as brief as possible & only hit the points of major importance ~ or milestones so to speak.... I'm not sure of all the abbreviations here, but I'm trying to catch on : )

Here goes:
My H & I worked together - social able co-workers, after a couple of years, he married his long time girlfriend, after a couple of months she stopped taking BC pill & got PG discretely.... before baby was born I started noticing an new attraction to me. I made him aware that I was aware. Contact almost stopped - fast fwd a few months post birth - Husband calls & says it's over with W & wants me....fast fwd through all that drama (TONS of drama).

Married in October 2004. (1 yr exactly post dating)
I have 3 children of my own, he has 1.
January 2007 - decide to have baby together
April 2007 - Pregnant (pg)
January 2008 - our son is born
February 2008 - I do not want to return to work - H says go...
August 2008 - Trip to Vegas for just "us" (something we've never done before)
August 2008 - Return from Vegas & have a new sense of love & commitment for H - tell H how I am feeling so blessed & blissful
August - October 2008 - try my hardest to hold on to feeling - H pushing away
October 26 2008 - Tell H marriage is over
October - December 2008 – let go a little more with every push
December 2008 – had an affair – feeling a lot of guilt & regret
January – March 2009 – total chaos & destruction….. Meanwhile, still continuing my own affair…..
March 14 – H moved out
March – June – Back & forth & back & forth…. One or the other continually wants to get back together, but the opposite isn’t. We try & fail anyway. Typically ending in a nasty way, both broken again. Children hurt worse, etc.
Also found out that H is on dating sites, this site, has been dating young girls (he is 28 w/ 5 kids – one girl only 19….)
June 24, 2009 – H comes to me telling me he wants to come back home after I have let go (really let go). I tell H I need to think about it… I had finally decided to move forward & here’s the possibility of getting pulled back….considering what has happened all the month’s before.

July 1, 2009 – My parents come to visit – H is invited to spend “family” time together H says that he will not unless I give him an answer…..
July 2, 2009 – invite H to eat dinner with family – refuses to do so without answer – bursts out in anger @ me. Says he’s going to do something for himself if I don’t “want him”. I, of course, resort to anger & lash against him for refusing to at least attempt to be “normal” for a dinner…
July 3, 2009 – I begin the begging process – now H refuses. Tell H that we are going to do fireworks with the kids & ask for his attendance – still “NO”. He says & I quote “just because you had an epiphany, don’t expect me to come running home!”
July 5, 2009 – H shows up at marital home – where I reside with children – states he was wrong & does want to come home. Am I missing something here?
July 6, 2009 – speak with H all day by email as we are both working. In the evening,discuss wants/needs for future; decide to try ONE MORE TIME. Make love for 1st time in months. I can tell something is really different though H has said he “waited” for me all this time…. Turns to me after intimacy and says he has been with someone else….all weekend….a few miles from marital home…was supposedly at beach 3 ½ hrs away with guy friends…. I comfort him in his time & tell him everything will be okay. I hold him after this devastation……
July 7, 2009 – Sociable, but not really speaking of the past
July 8, 2009 – devastation hits me……what has happened? Who is this woman? My H has said he could never be with anyone else, but me, no one compare to me! He told me that he couldn’t have even performed if he wanted to b/c his body wouldn’t cooperate, etc. What made her different? Depression sets in. I send him an email & ask for reassurance with no response. Curiosity set in. He told me numerous details (I did not ask) about her. How they met, the town in which she lives, how many children she has, her age….b/c of how they met (online dating) she was VERY easy to find. She was very attractive in a sort of trashy way. Pretty woman, but you could see that she wasn’t of good moral standing by her photos & profile. Maybe that’s just my opinion… I immediately became enraged inside! I left work & went home to lay down just to get some peace & asked my H to pick up the kids and not bother me when he got home. I NEEDED SOME TIME TO MYSELF TO DEAL WITH THIS! That did not happen; he questioned me repeatedly about why was I laying in the bed crying. I finally told him why & instead of comforting me as I had him, he lashed out at me! The “you did it too” lashing, etc. This went on for DAYS. By Saturday the 11th it began to get physical. We have never touched each other in anger before. I found that he had told her very private details of our sex life – the he liked but I wouldn’t do kind of things…this was worse I’d ever felt. More than an affair betrayal could ever bring me emotionally. How could he disrespect me to that extent?
July 12, 2009 – He finally goes back to his apartment. Here we are AGAIN! We’ve been here so many times before…. I am SO tired of all this. Our children haven’t gotten any peace b/c we can’t seem to act like we have any sense 99% of the time.
Where do we go from HERE? This new place we’ve never been before. Apparently we just cannot MAKE it work………
July 13, 2009 – someone pushed his “reset” switch. He is “in love” with me again! HELLO????? IS ANYONE OUT THERE???? We were on the verge of destroying each other & have said & done an extent of damage that is beyond repair & you want me to try again???? NO!!!!!!!
July 15, 2009 – I continue to refuse my H, he becomes more and more angry of my refusal, starts to accuse me of another or restart of the old affair.
I AM HONESTLY JUST TIRED!
Begins to threaten me with my children, says he will move back in, tells me what I can and cannot do, etc.


Today, July 17, 2009………..DISTRACTED 1978

Well, wow.
So sorry for all the hurt you and your family are feeling.

You do recognize the cycle of destruction that you and your H have with each other. That's good!

There are patterns you both have where you turn outside the M to fill your needs or find comfort or excitement. IMO that's where you each need to start fixing your problems. M is a commitment to each other yet it doesn't seem like either of you take that serious enough currently or in the past to find the 'sweet' spot of being M to stay M.

Your H is posting here too or just visiting? are you hoping he will see your thread here? There has been H and W that have posted here... usually after the M is back on track.

My H and I had plenty of problems for an amount of time before we had a physical altercation and that's when I finally searched and found this site. This is a great place for help but it cannot keep you physically safe. For many that is a dealbreaker if it gets physical. Take some time and get your head aired out before you get bruised or make bruises physically too.

Wow indeed. I thought my situation was complicated. For this I thank you.
You really need to work out what you want. Where you are in all this and find a way to explain all this to your H and to yourself.

What do your really REALLY want to do? What do you really want (not need - want)?

This is a great place to start but a better place is inside yourself.

CT

Well it seems like both of you are just repeating what he did when you first went out. He cheated on his W with you. You were okay with it. Are you really surprised that he then turned it around and cheated on you and vice versa?

When a R doesn't start off with honesty, it perpetuates and continues. The ones who suffer? Your kids.

Right now both you and your H are thinking about yourselves and have from the beginning. You're going to both have to do some serious soul searching and if you want to stop the cycle, you have to both give up your selfish ways.

Of course he told you that you were the one when you first hooked up. You were the OW. He hurt his first W who was PREGNANT but you didn't care because you were "in love" with him. Now you and he realize that those feelings don't last.

Seeing a T would do you both good. Even if you went by yourself, it would help you to deal with your own issues.

Just my 2 cents.

I agree 100% with Stuck...Perfectly put.

I can see pieces of my sitch in yours. The specifics are not the same, but the concept of this endless cycle that you two seem to be stuck in certainly applies. One thing that my W and I discovered about 3 months ago is that both of us had been covering up our lack of emotional intimacy with physical intimacy. Obviously I’m as confused as I can be, but I wonder if that might be something that is going on with you two. When my wife realized what she was doing and cut me off of the physical stuff, I was clueless and took it as rejection. Your R seems to have a lot of anger in it and I wonder if that’s what he’s doing. If you two are intimate, in his mind everything is salvageable. When you aren’t – he feels rejected then tries to get you to take him back in. Then when you want HIM back, he doesn’t feel rejected anymore so he resists.

I’m just putting that out there for review and to share some of the things that I’ve become aware of with my M.

You guys can read us like a book! I'm honestly amazed!
To answer WCW, yes, he used to post here, but doesn't anymore~as far as I know. That's how I found out about the site...

Anyway, Stuck808 ~ you are almost exactly right, in my mind anyway. I wasn't ok with him leaving his 1st W for me b/c I knew that's what he was doing. I asked him countless times to go back to her & that was he was doing was wrong....he insisted that it was a terrible R & a "shot gun" wedding (though she wasn't PG). He held a lot of resentment for her b/c she tricked him into getting PG by not taking the pill & not telling him. They were't married for a full year when they split....

Doesn't excuse my behavior by any means or stretch of the imagination.

Our physical relationship was good in the beginning, but soon diminished b/c I suppose the feelings did.... My H is into a little more than I ever knew in years past which resulted in a turn off for me as I felt degraded ~ no explaination needed I hope....that's a little detailed & disrespectful in my mind to discuss those types of thingss....

Anyway, at this point we've had little to no contact in the last 2 days. Only discussed our daughter's BDAY party which is tomorrow. I will be seeing him them so I guess I'll see how that goes.

He DOES NOT know I am on here....thought it'd be best that way.

Thanks to all that read my reallllly looooong post & gave your advice &/or thoughts : )

I realize I've left out of TON of all kinds of important details & it may be difficult to follow ~ I'll try to clear up a couple of things....

He stills sees "my" 3 children even though we are seperated, I think he is a wonderful father for the most ~ we all get better with age. It was very difficult while we were together. He was not the nicest most caring person in the world to any of us. After S he began to come around & see the important things in life ~ Don't know what you got till it's gone ~

After looking around, I've read his posts here which contradict my reality....everyone has their own opinion & feelings. That's just how he was feeling at the time & I try not to take it to heart.

He just acts as though "I owe him" I keep telling him that M is not a debt...I don't get that.

After leaving again on Sunday, he's stayed consistent that he wants our M to work & he is going to stay single now & work on himself & we should see a C. I agreed to seeing a C, but that has yet to happen. It was his idea & I asked him to make the arrangments though I was not "feeling" it, I would still go for our children. He just said it wouldn't work if I wasn't into it & I think that's silly.....everyone has apprehensions after what we've experienced.

Anyway, let me 1st say that I KNOW THIS WAS WRONG, But......
considering the lack of trust between us & he wanting to repair our M, I needed to see some proof of that ~ not just words & I rode by his apartment last night @ 1030 to see if he was NOT there......this was the 2nd time this week.

On Tuesday I went by for a different reason. He was acting really strange on Monday night~extremely depressed & has told me on numerous occassions that he has considered killing himself. Anyway, I sent him a txt on Tuesday morning (early) to see how he was doing & did not get a response. I sent another one & nothing, I called & he didn't answer, I called again a little later, nothing.

I dropped the kids off @ summer camp & before going to work I decided I would go there & check on him. I mean I was frantic!!! I pulled up & his truck was not there, it wasn't anywhere around there. I looked & looked thinking maybe he couldn't get a spot @ his building or something & NOTHING!

I tried calling again while sitting there still no answer.

I reluctantly proceeded to work & about 10 minutes later he sent me a txt & said he'd overslept & just woke up. I asked where he was & he said he was at his apartment & then I told him I'd just been there & knew he wasn't. I said I didn't care where he was I just wanted to know he was safe. He PERSISTED numerous times that he was there & so on as if he was guilty (I know b/c been there, done that).

He later told me that he'd woke up early & decided to go out & have breakfast before work...... LIE MUCH?!

How can he want our M to work & lie @ the same time?

I know it was wrong to ride by his house last night, but with all that has happened I just really WANTED to know if he was real or not....I'm thinking not.....

I feel like I'm losing my mind!!!!

It might be hard to DB when your DBing someone who knows the signs of DB. You tried calling, he was dark. lol

D1978, what do YOU want to do? Do you want to try? Do you want to stay M to this H?

You said about him that "~ Don't know what you got till it's gone ~" but doesn't that apply to you as well? H doesn't respond to your txt and you're calling and txting and driving by to find him. I understand the anxiety but you're not helping yourself.

You both have trust issues for obvious reasons, you've both had affairs! My opinion - you and your H need to be under the same roof and have open book lives to each other. No secrets, no hidden phone calls, total open book. You need to build trust. You'll never do that apart. Just my opinion.

Your M is still so new, you're trying to blend a family while not even living together. Why do you think you lost interest in your H after the baby was born? or did you lose interest before the baby?? back up another step, did you lose interest after you won the prize from your H's first W?

As I said before, M is a commitment. It's not all about euphoria feelings when you first fall in love. It's not just great sex. You and your H have not been in any M long enough to learn to love and survive the ups and downs. You need to learn to turn into your M and not turn away from it.

MC would be a great idea, but do find a SBT. IC would be good too.

Happy Birthday to your daughter! make a great day for her!

I honestly don't want to try anymore... But I'm also confused by the fact that he says he does, then doesn't.

I guess I felt like one of us had to take a stand against all of this back & forth BS we keep putting us & our children through... I don't think we'll ever be able to repair this devistation.

WCW - I started to lose interest in my H after I went back to work from the birth of my son. We had discussed me staying home before & during my pregnany & then he flipped on me after the birth. He's very "money hungry" my term....

He promised to hire help for the home cleaning, etc b/c we both bring in very good salaries, but failed to do so after I went to work b/c he didn't want someone in our house, etc...??..

It's long standing the issues prior to the S, but I just want to put all that behind us to at least have a relationship for the kids. There are 5 of them to worry about....

Thanks WCW for all your insight : )