@aliveandkicking wrote, "You are very hard on yourself," and that's a point that I think doesn't get made nearly often enough, so mad props to her for that. Among the toughest lessons for me was that one -- there's a very important difference, IMO, between "taking responsibility" and/or "taking ownership" of your role in the breakdown of the marriage and blaming yourself. Blame isn't constructive; responsibility, ownership, leadership are.
Amen. When aak wrote that I don't know why, but I was taken aback that it showed. But it does show; it shows through.I struggle with that, I push back on it more and more, lately. More to the point, I find that if I can be aware when it happens - witness it, if you will - that stops it in its tracks for that moment. No struggle needed, really. Just growing awareness.
Originally Posted By: SmileysPerson
Our colleague then wrote, "I keep thinking that if I was evolved enough, I could get through this without so much pain."Here I will, in all affection, disagree with her. I would submit to you that, in fact, the more evolved you are, the more pain you would feel, because the deeper your appreciation for the situation, the implications, and the causality would be.
Agreed. Lately I've thought of something I would tell my kids growing up, "pain becomes suffering when you don't accept it." My (self-inflicted) suffering is ending as I accept -and feel - the very deep pain of having lost my dear friend. And, more to the point, making her think she had lost me.
Originally Posted By: SmileysPerson
And then she wrote, "I think you can trust yourself more and accept that you are human."Trusting ourselves. A seldom-discussed topic hereabouts.
Yep. Everything aak wrote rattled around in my head and gave me pause. I must go back and thank her (Thank you, aak!)
And thank you, SP.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Aw, shucks... Thank you. Glad to see you back. I hope you are better.
Originally Posted By: sandi2
Glad your W is giving some more time before acting on anything just yet. I will keep praying that there will be a change for the better. I liked that advise you received about if you look for better....you'll find it. Keep that thought.
I will. Thanks again, {[(sandi]})
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Then at one point on the ride home I just looked to the passenger side of my truck and got one of those moments down in my marrow: "You're not there. You're not here."
This was from a few days ago, but it stood out to me. You also mentioned feeling the reality of sitch. I've tried to do that myself recently. Accept that the pain is there for a reason though I may not know what that reason is.
Thanks for sharing.
Thanks, Kev. As I just wrote to SmileysPerson: I'm reminding myself lately that "Pain becomes suffering only when we don't accept it."
Endure.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
A happy birthday limerwish in lieu of online singing:
There once was a guy who gardened Whose heart was almost hardened Until along came a site That became a delight With joys embraced and mistakes pardoned.
A happy birthday limerwish in lieu of online singing:
There once was a guy who gardened Whose heart was almost hardened Until along came a site That became a delight With joys embraced and mistakes pardoned.
Thanks, Gypsy. And a fine limerick it is, too! (And nary a mention of the Isle of Nantucket)
*hugs* back, kiddo.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Well, the far better day than I could have wished for is almost over.
After the wonderful flurry of well wishes and support this morning, I checked email before heading out.
An E-Card from my wife. Generic but touching and unexpected. Composing myself, I quickly replied, "Thank you, my herfirstname." Natural, normal, leapt through the fingertips. I started to go back and delete the formerly customary "my" from before her name and decided no. I hit "send" and off it went. As is (though I did immediately think there'll be some kind of rebuke for that little endearment later, I betcha).
Work a few hours and off to not-too-far-away amusement park for the promised, non-metaphorical roller coaster ride. Park was relatively empty, lines virtually non-existent, so Lil Boy Gardener did his Roller Coaster Thing six times. A Carousal, Log Flume, and hot dog later, by myself began to feel more like alone (but not lonely - yet). So I headed home.
Got home and my wife called to ask if I wanted to go for her previously-offered birthday ice cream now instead of later. Off I went. And we had a good, relaxed time. Talk of kids, grandkids, upcoming vacation, etc. Smiling. I said far less than she but I felt good, serene, and I think it showed. She attempted to find out where I was today, if I worked (still in amusement park "play clothes") and I evaded twice just using my usual lame, self-employed phrase of "I gave me the afternoon off."
Ice Cream done, I said I gotta leave, someplace to go, and she asked me to come to her car with her, where she presented me with one of those gourmet bakery shop humongous 1/2 lb. decadent cupcakes. "For you! Take it home and put a candle in it!"
And nary a mention of the "my" in my "Thank you, my herfirstname," email.
A relaxed 45 minutes with my dear friend! It was her! (oh, alright: "It was she!").
Came home and put the ol' icing on the cake, so to speak: I joined facebook a few days ago (yeah, yeah, I know: I'm 56 fer cryinoutloud) and soon thereafter found long lost granddaughter who I haven't seen or heard from in 4 or 5 years (looong, sad son's sitch). She's 13 now. I asked if I could "be her friend", in the parlance of the site.
Next day came her official acceptance (without comment). I am overjoyed beyond belief, but I gotta take this slooowly. So I come home tonight, sit down and begin to type: "my dear grandaughtername..."
For today. This day: is life friggin' great or what?
Thank you for kickin' the day off for me with such fun, all.
Gardener
"My soul, be satisfied with flowers, With fruit, with weeds even; but gather them In the one garden you may call your own." Cyrano deBergerac
Thank you.
- it's Namibian 
