I don't like the 'sound' of some of your last post...but I also THINK I understand a teeny bit of where his 'abruptness' may be coming from.
Our WAS truly do resent having been 'caught'...even when they begin to come to grips with the trauma they've caused us, they hate like hell to have to deal with THEIR guilt and OUR pain at the same time.
They use the SAME anger to 'keep us in our place' when they feel we're pushing them to hard during reconciliation, that they used to bolster their self-talk when justifying their affairs.
If they can keep US the bad guys, they don't have to feel like poop about themselves 24/7.
Your H's keeping his OW around the office is a big NO NO.
Doesn't matter if his relationship with her now is strictly professional...SHE needs to hit the road. Keeping "you" around didn't keep him from cheating so how is keeping that whore around going to keep him from cheating? As good ole Dick Cheney says, "The wheel has turned and it's time for (her) to go !"
Is YOUR name on the biz? If so, why not waltz yourself into the CPAs office and tell him you want to have a look at the books? If your a 'partner' in the biz, you don't need Hs permission to do that.
If you think H hasn't told OW that's he's back home, why don't you? Next time you call the office and she answers the phone say, "Miss Piggy (or whatever her real name is) tell my H to give me a call please, there are a few things I need him to pick up from the store on his way home tonight. Thanks."
If your H owns the biz...how about some new decor? New wallpaper for his office? New carpet for the reception area. Begin stopping by unexpectedly to size up the ideas you have for "sprucing up the place". MAKE her cringe at the knowledge that YOU may pop in anytime, YOU have claimed his office as YOUR place too.
You've said you're ready to rumble...well take the gloves off girl.
T2
Thanks, T2. I am not sure that I understand what you mean by my 'abrupt tone' but to me it just means that I am furious. And it is a very cold, very calculating fury. I have come to a point in which he either shapes up or moves out, and this time for good. I have reached my limit.
I still want my M to work and our R to be repaired, but I am not going to take meekly the situation. I have given him ample time to get rid of her and he has not done so. So, I am going to start my own campaign: if it works, fine, if it does not work, there is the door. If he does not like it, he can do it himself or he can leave. Actually, he touched the subject of D in our talk the other day (I had asked him -stupid me- if he thought we had a chance and he said that he thought we did, that is why he was making plans for the house and stuff but that if it didn't I already knew where he stood in the subject of D).
As to the money, my H has promised that he'll take me to talk to the bussiness CPA, 'when he comes back' and I have had the books of his practice since the bomb, when I filed for D (my H gave them to me). But the CPA is a friend of OW's and (she tells me) she had told him that my H was getting divorced from me and marrying her. They go to the same church or something.
She had him change to this CPA when the old one (the one that does my taxes) noticed that she was making charges to the office account that were not bussiness related. He sent my H a letter about it and next thing he knew he received a fax firing him. My H told me then that he had changed because the first CPA was 'too expensive'. But I plan to call his office tomorrow and make an appointment to see him.
So, yes, the reason I go so often to his office is that I want to leave my mark clearly on it. Actually I just hung up from telling his OW, 'not to bother him, but just tell him to bring some milk and ham when he comes home tonight', on your advice
My H once accused me of blowing up in fury and not caring about the consequences. And he is right. I have a terrible temper that I usually keep under very, very tight rein. But there are drops that break the camel's back!
So I am not going to make a scene, cry, rave or rant. But I am going to start to make my mark in his office and his life. If it makes him feel bad, tough luck. If it pushes him away, it was meant to be. I have waited enough! I am not going to settle for second best. I am better alone than in bad company.
The other thing I want to do is to start managing the finances of the office myself. I am going to tell my H (if we are still on speaking terms after today) that I understand his need to prove some things to himself, but that I need to keep some control over the situation. That I want her signature removed from the office bank account and I will sign her (and her DD's) paychecks. And she will be charged for the lease on the car (since she is no longer rendering the 'services' she was being compensated for, she is not going to be paid for them). Talk about whores... here is the entry on the term in the Merriam-Webster dictionary
Quote: Main Entry: whore Pronunciation: 'hOr, 'hor, 'hur Function: noun Etymology: Middle English hore, from Old English hOre; akin to Old Norse hOra whore, hOrr adulterer, Latin carus dear -- more at CHARITY Date: before 12th century 1 : a woman who engages in sexual acts for money : PROSTITUTE; also : a promiscuous or immoral woman 2 : a male who engages in sexual acts for money 3 : a venal or unscrupulous person
Sounds very bad PMA?
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
My first thought here is what about a cool down time period?
I'm saying that because I sense LOTS of frustration and anger right now.
Because when I feel like that I ALWAYS say or do something that later I am sorry for and could have handled in a better way had I not dealt with it right then.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Do you think as the two of you read and work through the book that he will come to see the need to have OW totally out of your lives for the two of you to heal? I mean if she has spread these kinds of stories around, the church, the CPA, and who knows who else.
I would think there is no way he can't come to see that she can stay in your lives and the two of you rebuild.
I have not read the book you are reading but have seen it recommended on here more than once.
Maybe a little more time for him to see this on his own? With of course some inspiration from the 'Lady of the Manor'!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Sorry, I think you misunderstood me....I wasn't refering to YOUR abruptness I was refering to your having said,
Quote: I called him on his cell (there was a missed call in mine from him I had not gotten to) and he was rather abrupt.
His abruptness NOT yours.
I had to laugh, you said:
Quote: They go to the same church or something.
...a whore in church, isn't there a joke about that somewhere?
Opt, despite the sadness and pain of what you've written, you still manage to slide in some REALLY hysterical humor:
Quote: And she will be charged for the lease on the car (since she is no longer rendering the 'services' she was being compensated for, she is not going to be paid for them).
Thank god that for all the things this madness steals from us, somehow we maintain a sense of humor.
Loved the 'milk and ham'...should've added baby lotion or K Y Jelly too. OKay....I've gone to far T2
Rats! I had written the most inspired and lengthy post to answer your prior one and my partner deleted it before I finished posting. My luck! I hope he did not read it??
Well, I will give it some time and space tonight (got to work anyway) but I am not even sure he wants to see things as clearly as everybody else does. Even my SIL (his only sister and nearly his only living relative) thinks he is a whimp and a coward and I am stupid for bearing with it for so long. And my mother's pov is unprintable!
I sometimes fear he is some kind of cakeman. Or that my SIL's significant other is right and H is unconsciously trying to recreate his childhood home situation, where his mother and grandmother competed unceasantly for the kids love and attention.
Anyway, I am working until 7 pm tonight and then we'll see what happens. That woman has to go one way or the other!
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
YES, I think so too. But you were giving it till Christmas. What changed? I know for me just the darn Patience thing and the fact that she is there, but if you can make it into a sort of, I don't want to say game but you do in some ways have an opportunity to 'rub her face in it'!
I mean as long as you can count on him to back you gives you some options that I am sure you would be able to come up with ideas to take advantage of!!
I also think David is a wimp and a coward. Ok, maybe those words are a little strong. Definitely indecisive and procrastinating! I just keep thinking of all the things I DO like about him and hoping he will grow in the other areas or maybe I will come to understand him better and am totally wrong! Probably a combination of the two!
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
I am still thinking of Xmas as the deadline, but I am beginning to feel desperate: if there has been NO progress on that issue since NOVEMBER 2002, what progress can I realistically expect in two months?
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
And it is a very cold, very calculating fury. I have come to a point in which he either shapes up or moves out, and this time for good. I have reached my limit.
Ok, maybe those words are a little strong. Definitely indecisive and procrastinating! I just keep thinking of all the things I DO like about him and hoping he will grow in the other areas or maybe I will come to understand him better and am totally wrong!