H, As a good faith gesture from you, and for me to feel confident that you are prepared to give 100% to working on this marriage, I need for OW to no longer be your employee. It would make me feel better if this was achieved by....
Something like that? No threats, just a statement. In the most loving, non-accusatory way possible
I had a fairly long conversation with H yesterday. I had not read Jackie's post but I thought it was a good opportunity to bring up all the things that have been eating me from the inside in the last few weeks. I was not a huge success but since he did not storm out of the house and he fixed me breakfast this morning (one of his LLs) it was not a failure either.
1. About the check: he said it was a left over from the attempt to re-finance his office building. May or may not be, but that is all I am going to get, so I'd better take it.
2. About the clothes: He said he has not brought them home because he did not buy them and does not want to wear them again. He offered to bring them today and throw them away immediately and I accepted (I can give them away myself and that way ensure OW knows he is home!).
3. About working with OW: He said he does not want this (the A) to happen ever again and he has her still there because he wants to prove to himself that he can work with someone and not have an unappropriate R with her. That he sees my point, but he is doing this for him, not for me or OW.
4. About the money thing: He agreed it was difficult for me not to know what was going on but he promised he would take me to see his CPA and get a clear explanation of where he stands financially. We did not address removing OW from having signature in the bussiness account (but will, later )
5. About his side of the sitch so far: He says it is easy for him to do the little details that help me feel more secure, but he feels pressured to be home early and to let me know immediately where he is after 5 pm. He feels as if he has to clock in or something. He thinks I am constantly watching him and that is making me stressed and prone to distractions (and he does have some point, though he does not realize how much worse it could be if I did not have you guys )
6. As to R talks: He agreed to discuss the book, but had thought I meant I'd read it first, then he would. He had not realized I was proposing to have both read one chapter at a time and then discuss it. He agreed to do that, though 'not today'.
Am I forgetting anything? What do you think?
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
I think it sounds great. You got some explanations to what has been bothering you and what he is thinking. Give it some time to process, for both of you, and then look at what he has told you and how you want to proceed. Is this enough for you? Does this make you feel secure that he is really trying to make this marriage work?
Quote: Is this enough for you? Does this make you feel secure that he is really trying to make this marriage work?
No, of course it is not enough. I want the sun, the moon and the stars... with a couple of planets into the bargain . But it is a start and a step forward. It helps me to refine my strategy and get a bit of perspective on his side of the sitch.
In all, I think our conversation yesterday was positive and productive. I still do not trust him and I am still wary, but during the talk I realized that I was fully prepared for (and even expected) him to walk out on us again AND THAT WOULD MARK THE END OF MY DILEMMA. I had this calm, confident sensation that I had nothing to lose one way or the other. Very reassuring, from my pov.
I knew then what happens when you face your deepest fear, look into the heart of your most vicious enemy and you are stronger than your fear and smarter than your enemy. The fear is gone and only cold calm remains. I wish I will never forget that sense of absolute peace (though, being human I suspect I will ).
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
This is tough for me to say, and please know that it comes from a very biased mind (when it comes to these things).
I'm NOT that comfortable with SOME of your H's responses. Other things (like the book reading!) look just great.
First...about the check...I dunno, are you satisfied he's telling the truth? I know CJ blew some financial stuff past me that didn't sound quite "right" but I ignored it at the time.
When CJ was still "seeing" the OW after I thought it was over, he too made comments like feeling I was his "parole officer". This was in response to my asking if he'd call when he was staying out past 2 a.m.!
The clothes...well okay..did SHE buy them for him?? With her own money??? If it was his money, then DO get them back, give them to the needy or something.
About his reasoning for keeping her at work? WEAK and selfish. What do you think Dr. Phil would say to him on this? "What the hell are you THINKING!?"
Fine, how long before he's "proved to himself" that he can work with her and NOT have an R? I think it's time he stepped up and DID do something for YOU....get the OW OUT OF YOUR LIVES>
Sorry if I sound a little harsh here, not even sure why!
I like your talk with your H. No, it isn't ideal but nothing is much in this mess. Isn't that more willingness to talk than he has exhibited in the past?
I like the calmness you have found. I like your attitude, willing to work on it but still ok if you don't make it.
NOT there yet.
Pam
"We must be willing to let go of the life we had planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us"
Thank you all. No, Shiny, I am not convinced about my H's answers. I think he is lying again and I suspect he has not told OW he is back home with me. I am just trying to act 'as if' and get more data before I go beserk on what I have.
He did not bring the clothes yesterday ('conveniently forgot') so I plan to drop by his office today or tomorrow and collect them. I have come to the point that I do not care how the s**t hits the fan. If he comes along fine, if not: there is the highway...
I am just so very tired... I do not understand what he is thinking and I find it very difficult to have any respect for him if it is true that he wants to be with us but does not dare stand up to OW. Sounds to whimpy to be believed to me.
I do not know. He is home all the time. Even took up the book last night nearly umprompted (I just left it on the table while he was watching TV), but did not comment on it...
I guess he is with me because it is comfortable. He has the house, the social position, the Beaver-like family... at least the appearance of a perfect life.
And I have my D...
BTW, I do not feel as bad as this sounds. I am resigned and 'plotting', not despairing
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
I think I backslid big time a couple of hours ago. I told you I was rather pissed , so I went by my H's office and found him alone. I went in and told him I was taking the clothes home and giving them away (it is true only one pair of trousers is his -bought by me, I mean-. I have better taste than to have bought the rest of that crap in poor taste). He was very anxious for me to leave and did not object to my taking the clothes much. He got me out and got in his car 'to do some stuff'. As I was getting in my car, OW drives in with her college-age daughter in her car (the one my H pays for ).He talked to her briefly as he went out (could have been quite innocent, I know). I left and passed by about 20 min later to go to my own work. OW's car was no longer there, neither was my H's. I called him on his cell (there was a missed call in mine from him I had not gotten to) and he was rather abrupt.
OW may have just gone by to drop her D, who works part time for my H. Or may have gone out to have breakfast with my H, or may have had a heart attack and be taken to the hospital. I am not going to think about it. Have other things to do.
I know, I know, not very smart. I simply do not care.
Got to work. Will be back
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
)
I want the sun, the moon and the stars... with a couple of planets into the bargain 
. But it is a start and a step forward. It helps me to refine my strategy and get a bit of perspective on his side of the sitch.
, so I went by my H's office and found him alone. I went in and told him I was taking the clothes home and giving them away (it is true only one pair of trousers is his -bought by me, I mean-. I have better taste than to have bought the rest of that crap in poor taste). He was very anxious for me to leave and did not object to my taking the clothes much. He got me out and got in his car 'to do some stuff'. As I was getting in my car, OW drives in with her college-age daughter in her car (the one my H pays for