Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Midlife Crisis Advice on DB-ing when sep spouse lives at home

Almost--one more thought, actually spurred on by Mach1, the 48 hour rule is perfect. When I feel the anger now, I have actually told my H, just give me some space, which he just can't seem to understand. Once, I gave in and ignored MY needs, which just led to a difficult weekend for me. Now, I don't tell him. I just get very quiet or do things on my own. He doesn't understand. I get funny looks, comments about my jaw being broken, then I just smile and say something very stupid which usually lightens my mood enough to be nice. Living in the same house, I do not have the ability to keep PMA or acting as if up all of the time. But I do my best. Often, my anger, frustration, or plain old bad mood, really has nothing to do with him or our sitch, and I used to just spew at whoever was in the area, regardless of what they may or may not have contributed to my mood. Being quiet until I can say nothing or say clearly and kindly what I need to say seems to work for ME. Don't know how H takes it. I don't think he believes it is a real change, especially since he has caused me to react once or twice still, but even those instances, I have realized quickly what I was doing and stopped myself. So as it continues, maybe he will realize that that has changed in me, I also do not tolerate it from him anymore, and that too has thrown him for a loop several times. But I LIKE the change in me. I am much calmer and happier and all of my anger goes away much quicker than it used to. So what H thinks about it really doesn't matter all that much in the long run.

So Mach, thank you for reminding us to process it. That is extremly important.

Cat....

I'm right at about two years with a live-in. I understand....

One of the things I have learned in that is....

We cannot be all show all the time, but one of the best things we can do is to process things differently than we used to.

It is the combination of the good energy and the bad energy..

I have found that it is Okay to be down, but how I handle that makes the difference....

Now ? I just smile and say that yes there is something bothering me, NO, I'm not ready to talk about it yet, but when I am, you will be the first to know....

Then go about my business until I am ready.....

I collect my thoughts, channel what is relavant to me, then open up instead of holding it in....

Funny how sometimes, things look different a good nights sleep later....

Don't be a doormat...just choose your battles wisely....

Nope not doormat here. That was the old me. A doormat who just often got shook out by the wrong, sometimes right, person and covered them in the crap. LOL. Processing now instead of stuffing. But I do find I actually have a lot less to say after processing.

Yes depending on which bomb you look at, bomb 1-i'll try but i don't know (with no real effort) or bomb 2-done, I am at either 1 or 2 years myself. Actually about 3.5 since the onset of actual MLC. In the home is much harder but I do my best not to walk on egg shells anymore. Most days are easy now but once in a while....

So-Trusting, see you are more at the beginning. But we all have done it and so can you. It does get easier.

The problem for me and the 48 hour rule.....I think it has to do with my true lack of patience! LOL!
I have been better about the blow ups because of all of my friends here. If I didn't find my way here, there would be odd patches of grass in my back yard!
LOL

Cat, Mach, and Almost,

Thanks for all the great posts today! You have really given me a lot to think about and what I keep hearing is detach, detach, DETACH! I am learning. Every day gets a bit easier. Some days I feel good. Other days not so much. I don't cry very much anymore but those days I am more focused on him are the days that are not as good.

I think for me right now the anger (which has dimished from a few days ago for sure) is way better than the despair I felt at the beginning of all of this. I am not letting my anger direct himself at him (at least outwardly) and the 48 hour rule seems like a good rule.:) As long as I don't let it consume me, I think it is an okay thing and something I need to process.

I know I have already made good changes for me that I plan on being permanent. Seems like I will have a lot of time to perfect them through this crap. And while yes it is NOT about him he has noticed and has even told me so a couple of times. I am also taking better care of myself than I have for years - pre kids probably. I lost 20 pounds on the MLC diet. ortunately the weight loss has stopped and I need to put a few pounds back on but I am hoping to do it right. I am also pampering myself more than I have in forever. Goodness knows I need it!

It is not fun to hear over and over about how long this takes if they ever do come through but I am also amazed at how much time has already passed that I have survived. It has been four months since "the bomb" but looking back, I now see little ways that he has subtley shown his struggles outwardly which I can date back to at least 8-9 months. I know the inner turmoil (besides the childhood stuff) has been bothering him for literally years, probably since his minor QLC about 9 years ago so it is hard to say when he "started" the MLC.

The thing is, he has been pretty friendly lately and even a bit considerate of me once in awhile. What a nice change that has been! Again, trying not to focus on it because then when the "bad" continues it makes it harder when I have seen the good.

I am prepared to wait it out, at least that is where I am now.

here's some motivation for the 48 hour rule.....
If you don't utilize it, I PROMISE you will regret. I would get heated and I would lay into H. He would fight back...later he'd be pissed, I would be upset and wonder why I couldn't just keep my mouth shut? Was I ever going to learn?
And that's what the 48 hour rule is about, saving you from regret. If 48 hours later you still want to talk to him about whatever it is, then go for it, because you've thought it out, you aren't hot any more and that's always better.

I think the 48 hour rule is great - the fire in the anger usually does dissipate making it easier to have a rational discussion.:)

Okay, so I was having a harder time at the beginning of the week and then doing better and now ??? The "problem" is that he is acting so much more normal the past few days in some ways, particularly in his interactions with me. He speaking like the H I know (and love). This makes it so much harder for me to detach! Last night he could tell something was up with me (because he came into my room, not because I was acting it in front of him, other than a little comment I made, should have kept my mouth shut). He was trying to pry out of me what was wrong and said, "you can tell me stuff, you know." No, I really didn't know. He sure hasn't acted much like he has cared about me or my "stuff" for months now, even before "the bomb." Anyway, I did give him a very vague answer but I am NOT going to tell him "stuff" that bothers me, unless maybe it is something to do with the kids that I feel like he should know. But nothing to do with him.

Good with the yuck, I guess. It is heartening when he acts like he cares.

Well keep track of these things in a journal. Also keep track of what you were doing that way you can go back and see what worked and what didn't.
It's good he's starting to show signs of caring. BUT I want to give you a heads up, my H would "care" and show signs the man I love was still in there, then he would pull back in a big way and go back to the weirdo jerk I couldn't stand. So if that happens here, do NOT be discouraged. I think the reaction the pull back is "What the he!!? Why did I act like cared? OMG??? Do I still care?? Holy crap!! No, I don't care and I'll show her!!!" That's what I always imagined went through his head once I finally caught on to what was happening, the pattern that many of our fellow veteran DBers warned me about.

So, like my coach said, enjoy the positive interaction, but you can't act sad or upset if/when he pulls back. Just maintain the cool calm sexy you and let him figure it out.

LOL - Almost, it sounds like you have a good handle on what goes on in their heads. I have felt like I can actually SEE that same thought process going through my H's head after he has done something/said something that I might construe as him caring. And yes, then comes the pull back.

I am trying to do just as your coach says - enjoy the positive but not let it affect me when the pull back happens. It is getting easier and easier.

I have been keeping a journal - both good and bad things so I can try to figure out what works or doesn't or see patterns. BUT I am also trying not to focus too much on all that stuff and just be.

Almost, that was an excellent analogy.

Your H is not the only one who has done that. My H will be very nice, considerate, and then I open up and suddenly, bam, he is feeling "pressure". No you asked, duh.......... So yes Trusting, please be careful. They make us feel guilty for not telling them, not seeming to trust them, but when we do open ourselves, it is usually a mistake. Eventually we will probably be able to share with them. I keep a journal myself that I think maybe someday H will see. If you can find your center, you will know exactly what and when to share with him. Then sad part is, I think they do care, they just aren't sure if they want to. Of course you also have to realize that being that close to someone scares them. Because if they know you that well, then you know them that well and they don't want people to see that far into them right now. Probably have always been a little like that.

It is always a learning process. Pay attention to what YOU are doing more than what he is doing. How are YOU reacting to him? Is it the same as in the past, if so can you change it? Is it different? If so, what are the consequences? Do they seem to make a difference? Do they make YOU feel ok about you still? You, we, may change because of THEM, but we can't change FOR them. We have to change for ourselves. Of course, we don't want to make ourselves a bigger monster in their eyes, but if you aren't comfortable with a change, say it leaves you feeling like a doormat even though H seems to like it, then it isn't the right change. Also, I know you are still at the beginning, but work on YOU. Why did you behave the way you did? Even though we may not like to see it, SOME of their complaints about us are legitimate. Someone else here said that they are working on childhood issues (or avoiding them), but we have to work on ours as well. Looking back over 20 years with my H, I have seen who I was and how I was and what it was between us that brought us together. I have also seen how I have changed when my S came along, how I grew but also how I ignored my own stuff and how it manifested in my behavior. Having dealt with that stuff now, I am more like I was when we met. Except more mature. LOL. I also see how I have almost always walked on eggshells with H. I think part of the reason we get the blame and become LBS is because they see what is really wrong long before we do, they just don't know how to change it. I think then fear takes over and bam. One of the most telling things my H said to me was "I don't want to keep doing this to you and you doing this to me and I don't know how to change it because I keep doing it". Yes he actually took the blame on himself, but he saw that if we kept going like we were, NOTHING would change because we would keep treating each other the way we were. No we didn't have a horrible marriage, but there were definately times when there was distance between us, where we were not as close as we could have been, where we just were not clicking and it hurt. It hurt us both. Unfortunately, the MLC monster stepped in during one of those times and here we are. But I'm good with me now and that is important.