2. He will keep me involved in his office (I have no intention of letting this happen again).
You say "keep" you involved. What are some of the ways he's doing this now? What things do you do that seem to help encourage him doing this? When is he involving you most often, and what are both you and he doing during these times?
5. He will be able to tell me things he does not like without feeling he is letting me down (getting better).
What's different during the times when it's better? What are you yourself doing during these times that might be making it easier for him? What are some specific things that you can do more of to get these positive responses from him?
JJ
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Quote: 2. He will keep me involved in his office (I have no intention of letting this happen again).
You say "keep" you involved. What are some of the ways he's doing this now? What things do you do that seem to help encourage him doing this? When is he involving you most often, and what are both you and he doing during these times?
I meant 'keep' as a future and permanent effort. Right now I have no idea about his office finances, his billing or the money he makes or does not make. OW has total control over those things. He used to tell me it was barely able to support his mother (who was sick at the time) and since the final numbers in our tax returns made sense I never suspected that he was mantaining the OW and her daughters in the side. I even felt bad about asking him, because my bussiness was going so well and he might feel bad about the difference in earnigs (men tend to not like it when their wifes make more money than they do). Stupid, was I not? But I trusted him.
So far he has not even tried to get me involved in his office. When I mention the topic he resents it (big red flag) and quickly says he is going to close the office.
Quote: 5. He will be able to tell me things he does not like without feeling he is letting me down (getting better).
What's different during the times when it's better? What are you yourself doing during these times that might be making it easier for him? What are some specific things that you can do more of to get these positive responses from him?
I think I listen more. But I have to ask, he never volunteers the info. I will quote myself from my prior thread:
Quote: But he does not talk about his feelings or our plans or that W. Actually one of the things he had complained about was that when I asked him if he was OK and he did not tell me I would not sit down with him and make him tell me. So I tried a couple of times, but he would get upset at me. I pointed nicely to him that he had asked me to ask but we did not get anywhere...
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Hi optimist, I got home late today and had a busy day at work. But hey everyone gave you the best advice possible.... breathe in... breath out slowly.... count to 10 ( backwards and in another language if possible so it takes you longer i do it in german LOL ) and don't let your mind trick you into thinking the worst. Our mind has a tendency to make things way worse than what they are - and they thought me having a good imagination was good when I was at school!!!!
The confronting part should always be done when you're completely calm if possible, and what happens is after we calm down we rationalize things better and don't need to confront anymore.
Meanwhile keep in mind that he is there with you, and it is his choice to be there with you. Yes it's important to clarify things that we don't understand but we need to use the best timing advantage here. IN my own case I figured that in the beginning it wasn't the best time to ask anything or confront. He was in a defensive mode anyways which means that he will only hear me until he felt he was being attacked and after that he would be thinking on all the ways he could defend himself instead of listening to what I was saying. I did write all the things I needed an explanation or answer in a little book to ask him when the time was better. And later I made it available for him to write down answers if he so wished. In our case when it comes to important stuff like this, that includes feelings and reasons for actions he is better doing it by writing so he can read it calmly, and not be hindered by that defense mechanism and then answer also in a more relaxed way. What happened however was that as time passed and I kept seeing that he really meant to work in this marriage with me, some of the things that were so important for me to know at one point, became less important, and some questions I didn't even need an answer for. I marked down in the book which ones I really wanted to focus on and the ones that he could answer but weren't that important anymore. Eventually - after a while - he started writing his answers slowly. Hope you are feeling a bit better by now I"ll be back later tonight. Big hug nightshade
"Each and every one of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought and the gift of understanding. "
Leider, meine Zwillinge, habe ich alles mein Deutsch vergessen. I will try, though:
zehn neun acht sieben sechs funf vier drei zwei ein dix neuf huit sept six cinq quatre trois deux un diez nueve ocho siete seis cinco cuatro tres dos uno
It does seem to work a little. H has arrived home. I have to go for a bike ride with them.
Excuse my horrible German, twin. It has totally deteriorated after 15 years of no practice. It could be worse, though: my English got a Texan twang!
I'll be back
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Zwilling lieb, Dein Deutsch ist sehr gut. Es ist frei, daß mein Deutsch schlechter als deines ist. Aber kannst du meine verstehen? LOL I was an awfull student and only had german for 4 years so forgive me for the obvious mistakes hehehe That's why I count backwards in german, it takes me a long.. long time! Enough to calm down a bit LOL Glad to hear that it worked a bit and a bike ride sounds just perfect. Calm relaxing and not conductive to confrontation. ( Can you imagine the dialogue? :You "dearest... - pedal , pedal - I need to know about this - cough... cough ... out of breath - mail thing I saw today" Him looking back because he is already a few meters in front of you:"You want to - pedal ... pedal - send mail to who? - pause to fix the helmet ... LOL ). Big hug to you nightshade
"Each and every one of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought and the gift of understanding. "
It was even more fun: I never caught up with them! H and daughter had gone ahead and I was looking for them when one of our neighbors came out and offered me some seedlings and cuttings from her garden. So there I went on a tour of her garden, mentally selecting the plants I would want. By the time I finished (of course when there was not light enough to tell a zinnia from a petunia) the riders were nowhere to be seen. I went back home full of design ideas and found them already changed and ready for dinner.
Talk about lengthy, weighty conversations!
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
And I still think your German is way better than mine, even if I can still understand a little after these many years
How on earth do you get the Umlaut in ASCII? Any software engineer listening?
P.S. For my kind readers and BB brothers and sisters that do not have filo-germanic ancestry or upbringing, here is the translation to my twin's post (told you we were twins, Night! Probably separated at birth. My siblings always told me I had been found under a railroad bridge! )
Quote: Zwilling lieb,
Dein Deutsch ist sehr gut. Es ist frei, daß mein Deutsch schlechter als deines ist.
Aber kannst du meine verstehen?
'Dear twin,
Your German is very good. To be frank, my German is worst than yours. But can you understand mine?'
Please y'all, keep reading my thread! Do not abandon me! I promise to keep to English in my posts (if nobody else provokes me, of course)
Note to self: I knew I could not be depressed for very long... My BB handle is even more appropriate that I had thought.
"You don't throw a whole life away just 'cause it's banged up a little"
Tom Smith in "Seabiscuit"
Hey that sounds like it was fun.... see.. isn't better to concentrate onthe good stuff?
Don't tell anybody , but I had to go to my old german notes to make sure it was coming out right.... LOL as for the Umlaut I wrote it in word and then copied and pasted here. I couldn't find a way to write it in here otherwise.
WEll I am glad to see - "read" - you in much better humour. Actually humour is certainly quite necessary if we mean to go trough all this.. either keep the sense of humour or go crazy. Of course I choose the first Hugsies nightshade
"Each and every one of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought and the gift of understanding. "
Quote: told you we were twins, Night! Probably separated at birth. My siblings always told me I had been found under a railroad bridge! )
Quote:
well I"ll give you even better. I was adopted.. so who knows LOL But I was only in Germany for about 2 years and I was young, so I never really get the language right. WHat I still remember is because I really like languages. If I had the time and the money I would still be learning new ones now !!! Have curriculum night at school tomorrow and it will be a long long day, so I"m going beddy bye now.
Hugsies to you twin nightshade
"Each and every one of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought and the gift of understanding. "
. Of the other, guilty as charged... 
