Spot on Pup! I have heard them both. Not so much of blowing my chance, but it has been touched. More than anything it's the ILYBINILWY! But you can't forget the part wher the OM " gives me something you have never been able to give"
- I knew when you proposed I should have said no - ILYBINILWY - I haven't been physically attracted to you in years - I gave up (fill in the bank) for you - I should have left x years ago - I can't leave becuase you hold all the cards (money, finances, etc.)
Any ideas on what I can expect next?
Me 38 / W 37 M 14 yrs S 11/S8 First Bomb: 3/6/2009 EA Second Bomb: 6/4/2009 PA Same House Separate Rooms
Well, I heard (besides what has been mentioned): - ILYBINILWY - I cannot pass up this opportunity to move in with OM - W said that I have no idea how hard this is for her (to leave her family) - There must of been a problem in our marriage
that's all I can remember right now. Hang in there Iowneil and be strong...
Me-44 WAW-42 (ILYBNILWY) S-16 S-14 M-10/17/1992 T23 Met OM 10/10/08; Bomb 12/27/08; Moved in with OM 01/27/09 Me stronger and happier everyday!
insert twin sister in front of bestest gf for my sitch ILYBNILWYAM we should have gotten to know each other better we only have known each other 2 years we are not on same wavelength this one guy at 'college town' was like my pseudo bf and great friend I miss him (so yah I have my suspicions now unfortunately)
... and apparently to top it off the W came up with this conclusion in about a 3 or 4 month time span before our 1sr anniversary even passed..
anywho.. this is my 1st post here so best of luck to you
I didn't write this, but it always struck a chord in me and seems particularly apt again given the topic at hand...
It's from something that has been posted here from time-to-time... If I recall correctly, it was written by a woman who had had an affair herself and then "studied" affairs...
Things ALL waywards seem to say:
1. I love you but I’m not in love with you 2. I have been unhappy in this marriage for a long time 3. The kids will be fine if we get a divorce as long as we remain friends (for their sake) 4. I just don’t feel that way about you anymore 5. The OP (other person) has nothing to do with the way I feel about you now 6. You are a wonderful person, we just aren’t meant to be together 7. I am just confused, this has nothing to do with you 8. I am doing the best I can…I just can’t decide what I want 9. I need some time/space to sort all of this out 10. I need some time/space to find myself 11. I am so tired of feeling this way! 12. Can’t you just accept that it is over? 13. Why are you being nice to me when I do not deserve it? 14. You have never been there for me 15. I am going to file for divorce, I just don’t have the money/time/strength, etc right now 16. I am not going to change the way I feel, why don’t you move out and file for divorce 17. The children will learn to love the OP like I do 18. I can’t help myself 19. Nothing you do will ever make me love you “that way” again 20. My happiness has to be my number one priority 21. I will DEFINITELY divorce you if you expose to anyone or confront the OP 22. You never listened to me BEFORE now; quit acting like you hear me NOW!
And on and on… The justifications of a wayward spouse can be mind-boggling! Wayward “fog babble” can be EXTREMELY convincing, though, especially to the betrayed spouse. The reason for this is because the wayward spouse ABSOLUTELY believes what they are saying at the time. The betrayed spouse has to keep in mind, though, that the justifications are so great for a wayward spouse because it is a defense mechanism to WARD OFF the feelings of guilt and shame that they SHOULD feel. Guilt and shame KILL the fantasies of a wayward spouse, and are replaced with unfounded excuses.
Assertions range from the utterly ridiculous, to the ones that are a complete re-write of history, to the ones that are interlaced with TRUTH about the state of the marriage pre-affair. Example: “You never listened to me (noticed me, etc.) before the affair, why should I believe you’ll listen to me now?” This cuts deep as you realize that the communication (or intimacy, etc) WAS lacking in the marriage pre-affair.
Wayward spouses re-write history…I used to say to my husband “There was no romance or passion between us throughout our WHOLE marriage.” It felt true to me then because I had allowed another man to enter my life and fill my emotional needs to the point that I felt I was in love with him and that he was my “soul mate.” This statement/belief obviously hurt my betrayed husband very deeply. But as soon as I removed the other man and got through the fog, I realized of course, that not only was it an untrue assessment, but that those feelings could be recaptured.
The distorted and hopefully TEMPORARY "logic" of the wayward... In an attempt to divert the guilt and shame, and avoid all the hard work that a wayward intrinsically knows they will be faced with upon accepting the reality of what they have done, they look at the person they are married to as a scapegoat. They re-write history from before the affair and convince themselves (mostly subconsciously, although some do it consciously) that the marriage was doomed from either the beginning, or the subsequent years following their wedding day. This is actually easy to do, because ALL marriages have their problems. Everyone has flaws, and the wayward focuses on the faults of the betrayed to justify the way they are currently feeling and for the affair itself.
The other aspect is the other person. The wayward sees them as their "soul mate" and tells themselves that "everyone deserves to be happy." Therefore, no matter how wrong they know the affair is deep down inside, they go with the new age vibe that you must "follow your feelings." They see divorce all around them and convince themselves that it is the norm. They see other children who have been through a divorce and say "They are doing just fine," even though those children probably are NOT doing just fine. (Except in the cases where the married home was abusive or otherwise unsafe, etc. In those cases, anyone is better off getting themselves and their children away from an abuser, and with counseling the children may end up OK.)
The wayward can convince themselves of this due to the fact that they are observing from a distance. They do not actively seek to dig deeper and discover that the children of divorce, especially ones with infidelity as a cause, have an extremely difficult time with anxiety, guilt (why weren't we enough), and understanding right from wrong if they are not told the truth about the divorce. They internalize their pain most of the time, so it is difficult to see what they are going through. The wayward truly believes that "if the children know they are loved by both parents, and my betrayed spouse and I get along for the children's sake, they will be just fine." To dig deeper for the truth about the affect of divorce on children would be to vaporize their fantasy world in a very big way.
It is a very scary state of mind for everyone involved. Anything the betrayed spouse does to try to convince the wayward that what they are doing is wrong is met with hostility and the attitude that the betrayed spouse is trying to "punish" them for their wrongdoings.
New: What a Weekend
H-48 WAW-49 M-22 S-14,9 D-11 EA disc.-11/07 PA disc.-3/08 EA2?-6/08 to ?
Maybe I should send it to D9 and D17's counselors. Could make for an interesting session with Dad this week when I am out of town, especially the part about the kids and infidelity.
Living God's blessings with grace and dignity~ SMW
M40/H36 T16/M14 4K B2/08 S4/08 current
Love never gives up, never loses faith, is always hopeful, and endures through every circumstance. I Corinthians 13:7
