Hey Shocked.... I think you did the right thing. Taking this process as slowly as possible is the best thing to do for everyone. It's potential impact is mind blowing, so yes, slow things down. A trial separation is good. Whether she agrees with you or not that this is a good move for her too, the trial separation vs. divorce, is not that important as long as you believe its the right thing to do.
Here's a quote for your wife: "Don't worry that children never listen to you; worry that they are always watching you." Robert Fulghum
Here's a quote for you: "The most important thing a father can do for his children is to love their mother." Theodore Hesburgh
I don't know howmuch it really matters overall. She blew up on me later last night because she assumes when I'm with my friends I just bash on her. She took back the trial idea again. Guess we will see where it all goes.
Well, you have to remember this: You are one half of this relationship.
You can't fight the divorce forever. I'm not sure how your state does it but eventually in Florida, a no fault state, you will get the divorce.
But with all of that, you tell her I'm not sure divorce is the answer for me. I need time to think things through and a trial separation is how I plan to take the time I need to do that. We've established I have no ability to control you. Let's establish you have no power to control me. I'm going to take my time with this because it impacts me greatly, no matter what the outcome. It impacts you and most importantly, it impacts our children. So I'm putting me and them first, and I'm agreeing to a trial separation for the time being. You're a smart woman, that's why I asked you to marry me. So I know you may be mad right now, but I also know you see the logic is this. So let's just leave it at that for now....I can do that for you, will please do this for me? Great. Thanks. Walk away then.
Oh and the "You bash me with your friends!" accusation....just an excuse to fight with you.
It's very hard but try to walk away when she wants to fight with you. Change the subject. Flat out tell her, I won't fight with you. I'm just too tired right now. Thanks for understanding.
I am in a no fault state also. So she could use irreconcilable differences to file and get it.
As far as her fighting, I am very cool and calm when she is pissed anymore. I just let her get it out and I just use the "I'm sorry you feel that way". Lines
Good. It does help. I know you might not see that right now, but it does. Slowly.
I got my husband's attention when he was going to his lawyer with this: I will contest on the grounds we did not seek professional help.
He wasn't worried until I'm pretty sure his lawyer told him what mine told me: The judge will find out there's a child in this relationship and will agree that professional counseling is needed.
So he said his lawyer did NOT tell him that but he did agree to the counseling. We compromised and are doing an at home marriage fitness program. I knew he would dig his heels real deep if I wanted to take him to a MC. So we're doing that. It's been HUGE for us. He still complains, calls him a scam artist, but he's doing it. (He seems to respect MWD a lot more, but unfortunately, she doesn't have an at home program like this and we couldn't afford the cost otherwise.)
But you are doing great. I know you might not see that or feel it, but you are.
Almost, I really do hope so. It is difficult when you feel all you're doing is not accomplishing anything. And on top of that you feel everything you do is wrong. All in all, I know I am becoming a better person though and that IS what's important.
Yup, it is. No one wants to suck or be considered a crappy person.
Keep this in mind too as you go through this.....there were days when things were fine with H and I then later at night I wondered who this alien was. Later come to find out his OW from his EA would "blame" me for just about everything.....she convinced him that I was the reason they couldn't be together....she didn't want to work her life around his EX or child. But for the longest time, it was only the EX she didn't want to deal with.....whatever, she was yanking his chain pretty hard the whole time and was using me as a scapegoat to keep him at arms length. BUT my point being, she would get him worked up and convince him I was the issue so he'd get mad at me. It's laughable. And now he realizes what a schmuck he was but it took her making him a fool for him to see it. I couldn't tell him anything. I was the LAST person who could talk reason to him. So I stopped. I waited and fortunately for me, she did make him look like a complete A$$ and he regrets not listening to me and some of his other friends who warned him. But this is their journey, they have to feel the bumps and pot holes. So in the meantime you do your thing. Set you boundaries that you and the kids can live with that protect you. Do some things for you....and I would like to be bold and suggest you tell her you want one night a week for you, where you go out and do what you want to do....and if that means coming home at 2am so be it.
What was your contribution to this wall your marriage has hit?
Typical husband. Come home and watch tv, play on computer, not communicate. As far as my nights, I have that and I take it. I do take my nights out to be with friends.
Ok. So maybe think about somethings you can do to change that "Typical husband. Come home and watch tv, play on computer, not communicate" image with your kids.....maybe have family bowling night, or start doing puzzles as a family, something to interact together. Work on you and the kids a bit. Maybe start to include her in those nights, or at least letting her know what you have planned. Invite/inform her and let her know it's going to happen whether she's there or not and there should be no pressure for her to participate.
Great advice, and I have already been implementing all of that. The only thing with W is she refuses to join in church, a 180 for me, but at least the kids love it.
