Don't get too ahead of yourself. The very worst thing is expectations. You have expectations of something..and if those expectations aren't met, you'll be upset. The only way you'll feel good about it is if you have really low expectations and things work out well. I'd suggest that you consider that when she comes by that she may in fact ask for a divorce and tell you all the reasons why. She could be having an affair (yes, even if the "friend" is a woman...plenty of people haven't seen that one coming). Those are bad expectations.
I would steel myself to the very worst she could throw at you. I'd prepare a response to "I think we should divorce". Here's my example, "I understand that's what you feel is best. I don't want one, but if you feel that's the best thing for you then I wish you the best." Don't look heartbroken. Don't look beat down. Be strong. If it's an affair...don't know what to say exactly. Perhaps, "I see. Well I don't intend to live in an open marriage." Be calm.
With any luck, it's none of those and she just vents. Then you do the listening and validating thing. Got it?
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
Thanks for the advice both. On board and stored away.
I've been waiting for the D word to come up. It actually did on her second visit three weeks ago (alone and away from "friend"). When she arrived it was with guns blazing. "Friend" was shouting "She's not coming back you know!" from the car when all I did was thank her for looking after my wife while I sorted myself out. Practically the first thing she said was "I'll get the papers to you as soon as I can". I replied that "I wish you didn't feel that you should be doing this. More time would be nice."
After a one hour fifteen minute wonderful meeting (she put Janet off three times when she should have been there to pick her up) she said "so you want to be married to me forever?"
There was another scene with "friend" when the Mac G5 that I promised to give Malindi wasn't packed up. She went OFF! Malindi and I both looked at each other in disbelief. We were both through what could have been a very tough meet and came through the other end very well.
BTW - most of Malindi's friends are gay. She was a star player and coach of an Action Netball Team for Western Province. She used to stay with two of them when I first met her. Never once has she shown herself to be that way inclined.
I will prepare myself for the worst but if you don't mind I'd rather try to see the bright side just for today. BTW - in all the other meetings she TOLD me where to be. This time she asked. (Thank you honey. I'll grab any chance of seeing you.)
Busy whipping round the house getting the place in tip top condition. I'll do the same to me tomorrow.
I'll check in later - don't think I'm going to get much sleep anytime soon.
Been thinking about the finance thing - looking after our home and effectively "friends" as well - just can't manage it.
One of the reasons for trying to get my wife to go to mediation last Saturday was to let someone else break the news that hubby/wife are both tapped out and just managing!
This distance thing is a painful experience. Only seeing her every week or so for an hour. I wish I could move into the spare room and get her back into our home so she can see the improvements in me!
Update: There is more than just my junk on my wife's shoulders. I've just had two phone calls from an unknown number looking for Mrs Elsebe Vervoer. Rough translation from Afrikaans - Elsebe TRANSPORT. This is the name of my wife's old company.
They wouldn't give the details of the call simply saying it's a legal matter. I know that Malindi racked up a bill of R20,000 ($2,400) in cell phone bills through that company that attorneys are trying to recover. She does NOT know that I know.
I have a feeling that my wife is keeping something very close to her chest in the hopes of saving me and our home.
I told her once before - I'll live in a tent so long as it's with you! I also had the pleasure of two large guys in a 4x4 visit early last year looking for her father. The last time we had a break from each other!
How do I bring this up with her?
Bum! This is getting more complicated as time goes on!
Things beyond her control are catching up with her but I'll stand by her until the sun goes out!
I have a feeling you lot are all BB'ed out after a long day.
Going to have to go with the advice offered so far.
Lines of communication wide open. Ask how she's doing. Ask questions slowly and quietly. Listen. Validate. Don't try any form of justification/no defending actions. Don't try to pre-judge. Don't pre-think every possible (or any!) answers. Don't jump to conclusions. Show myself off in the best light. No high expectations. Expect the worst - it may just be better than that. Don't give up.
Oh, added another - seeing that she's choosing to return to our home for the chat, make sure it's as comfortable and welcoming as possible.
You are multiple hours ahead of us, so when you are in bed, it's still reasonably early for us. Go with what you have planned. Don't look too desperate and needy. Be calm and confident. You'll be fine with whatever she throws at you. Don't be real quick to offer to bail her out of her difficulties. The WAS isn't above using your feelings to their advantage while still intending to discard you.
You cannot be lonely if you like the person you're alone with. Dr. Wayne Dyer
