Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums Piecing Our Marriage Back Together Again First Piecing Thread

Thanks WDID. I appreciate it.

Got a question for anyone that wants to reply. Last night, W and I went to "our" bar/grill for dinner. Had a really nice time. We talked some more about the two from W's work that are having an A. At one point, I said to W "do people who are having "A's" in a situation like this think that word isn't going to get around?" W replied "they shouldn't". Wow.

Talked about a lot of stuff. At one point, W makes a comment about our house (she loves it and the location) and then says "if we're still here", meaning if I haven't been transferred yet, that she'd like to get a pool.

Just a lot of that kind of stuff. When we got home I got a lot of nice hugs, some kisses, etc. A couple times I tried to break a hug and she grabbed on tighter. Nice.

But here's the question. Yesterday, one of the guys that works for me told me that when he transferred here in Jan 08 that another friend of his that works at W's location said to him "are H4U and W having trouble?" The guy who works for me said "yeah, why?" The other guy says "there's a rumor going around up here that H4U's W is having an A with a contractor".

I always figured that was the case, that word would get around. A POSOM like him wouldn't be able to keep his mouth shut. And when W would tell me that some guy who she'd never met would stop by her office to "see who she was" it seemed to me pretty obvious that word was getting around and everyone wanted to know who the POS was bangin.

So, the question is, should I tell W this? Or do you think she's heard it already from other people and I should not go there? Part of me wants to tell her just to put some more (as Puppy would say), "consequences" out there. But another part of me thinks if that rumor was going around, she's bound to have heard it, and with the way it seems she's beginning to come to grips with it and slowly, oh so slowly, open up to me, that it would be best to not mention it to her.

Opinions?

Well..... I don't know..... I'll use my own experience to tell you how I feel/felt. Right now, I am starting to think about my neighbors and wonder how much they know. I'm ashamed and embarrassed to think about what they have said about me to each other. I don't know what has been said. I do wonder. I could ask them in a way that is general, like saying we have had some trouble the past couple years and see their response, or ask if they noticed. But, the thing is, it is so hard to face this. I don't think I want to get the information going. I want to move forward, not backward. I'm having enough hard time leaving the past in the past,....... So, I don't know if I answered your question. Maybe I have.....In my opinion, your W will face those things as soon as she can. Either in her head or talking to others. You don't want to say it to her, just to punish her, especially if you think she is "getting there" on her own. Because if she is, then she is facing enough of it on her own.

I actually WOULDN'T say anything. Right now, anything that adds to any sense of "hopelessness" that she might have about possibly coming ALL the way back to you from her affair, is to be discouraged, I think.

Puppy

No....negatives outweigh the positives as far as her possible reaction and its impact on your possible recovery.

Thanks guys. I agree with your opinions.

At this point, it seems like W understands that this kind of crap gets out and I know she's smart enough to understand that there's at least some people at her work location that know what she was up to. Especially since W has made some comments to me that the manager of her department had talked to her about how much time she was spending with the "contractors" (read POSOM). Just in the last month or so, W has made statements which if you read between the lines, tells me she recognizes word got out.

So given that, it seems like me telling her that would only set us back, and that's definitely not the way I (we) want to go.

I've been thinking a lot lately about the sitch (there's a surprise huh?) and ya know, her holding back and not being willing to face this stuff head on is pretty much par for the course.

I know I've mentioned this before, but when W finally admitted to me that she had an STD (that she picked up in a relationship prior to us), it was YEARS after she realized it. She didn't say anything to me because she was afraid of what I would do, i.e., leave her. So it seems like with everything that's been going on the last 6 months, that this is no different.

She's saying all the right things. Through her actions, she's showing me she wants to stay and loves me, but for some deep seated reason, she can't/won't deal with it. I know there'll be a time she'll either finally open up with me about it or I'll blow a gasket and then she'll get scared and open up.

I hope it won't come to the gasket blowing and she'll open up on her own, but I fear she won't deal with it until I blow.

Anyway, Weekend was good. Had a great time Friday night at "our" bar/grill. Rest of the weekend was spend working in the yard, cleaning the house, etc.

It's been two weeks since W's office moved from the building where her and OM met/worked together and I'm not sure, but it seems like this move has been a good thing. W started her monthly fun yesterday and I didn't notice ANY PMS type symptoms the week prior. Maybe her anger during this time in prior months was related to the sitch. Or maybe this is a month where the PMS wasn't as bad. Either way, I'm just enjoying the calm and enjoying the good times we're having.

Wow, what a day. I wrote that above yesterday morning and then had a work emergency so I'm finishing up this morning.

That emergency kind of gave me an opportunity to throw in a comment to W that I hope she thinks about. One of the guys who works for me really F'd up yesterday. So bad, he thought he was going to be fired.

So I was talking to him on the phone after we'd sent him home and he was apologizing, etc and said he'd never make that mistake again and I told him "everyone makes mistakes, the real measure of a person is not the mistakes they make, but how they deal with and learn from those mistakes and how they handle themselves going forward".

So last night (when I finally got home) W was asking me about the mess, etc and I told her how upset this guy was and she asked me what I said to him. I told her the exact quote above and she just kind of looked at me and mumbled something that I didn't hear. We had a good rest of the night. Nothing great, but good.

Ok, gotta run. Still have a lot to take care of from yesterday.

I'll talk to ya soon.

I told him "everyone makes mistakes, the real measure of a person is not the mistakes they make, but how they deal with and learn from those mistakes and how they handle themselves going forward".

So last night (when I finally got home) W was asking me about the mess, etc and I told her how upset this guy was and she asked me what I said to him. I told her the exact quote above and she just kind of looked at me and mumbled something that I didn't hear.

That was a solid "Truth Dart"!!! I hope it hits its intended target and gets the desired result!!!

Love dem truth darts!!

Hey Sweetie! Welcome to the neighborhood! Haven't talked to you in quite a spell, but sure haven't forgotten about ya!



I'm glad to see you are still doing this b/c I think if you let that "ride".....it could grow into a ever present mood that would not be pleasant for anyone.

I'll have to catch up on your thread, but you know....I don't even stay on my block here in Piecing....I'm running over in Newcomers....and in & out of all the neighborhoods.....

Good to see you here and I'll chat more later.

Sandi

Thanks guys. No worries Sandi, I know you're in high demand around here and there's other people who are in worse situations than I am right now that need your help.

Pup, Flynn, Yes, truth dart. BIG one. And not to jinx myself, but since that dart, W has been responding & engaging me even more.

W had a pretty crappy work week last week and would come home totally pissed at her boss. I just listened and validated all I could. She told me a couple times that she appreciated me listening to her bi*ch.

Friday after work we went out to eat, and after W had got her griping out, she was kind of quiet. I could tell she was tired, in fact we've both been pretty tired the last few days. Rainy weather, work has been extremely busy for me also, all just adding up to needing a good nights sleep.

So we came home and I went to bed pretty early. W fell asleep on the couch and came upstairs when S17 came home.

Yesterday was a GREAT DAY! It was absolutely the best day we've had in over two years!

Started out by going to W's company picnic. She wasn't really sure if she wanted to go or not. She asked what I thought and I told her I wanted to go, even if it was just for a little bit, to eat and talk to some of her co-workers. So we went and ate and didn't stay long because the weather stunk which caused a lot of people to not show up.

So we left and went for a little drive in the Amish country near us. Went to a little wine and cheese shop and listened to a duo they had playing. Left there and went to another winery and sat on the porch enjoying a glass of wine and TALKING. REALLY TALKING. Not directly about our sitch, but about a friend of W's from work who is having M difficulties. This friend's H is either in a MLC or is having an A. Not sure what it is yet, but the H is angry with his W about everything, blames her for his unhappiness, accuses her of having an A, etc. And my W, in talking about her friends sitch, allows us to talk about her A, etc without her having to directly deal with it with me. I was telling W everything I've learned through our sitch (not directly) so she could help her friend. At one point, W said "maybe you should talk to her" and I said, "uh...no. Her H would accuse me of having an A with her and when opposite sexes become friends talking about marital problems, that's when bad things happen" and W looked at me like "I get it".

I know it's not ideal, but we're making progress because of it. At one point W and I were talking about our kids and how lucky we are that they are fine young men, never have given us any trouble, don't drink or smoke, etc. Just good kids (yes that makes me smile writing that). And W was joking around and said where'd they come from with parents like us and she realized what she'd said, kind of joking that one of us wasn't their biological parent and she just dropped her head. I just said "I know, right?" and she looked up at me with the most contrite, apologetic face you've ever seen. I just smiled at her letting her know it was ok.

We left there and decided to just go for a drive. And the drive was freakin great. We talked and talked and W kept grabbing my arm and pulling it towards her and hugging it and stroked my hand/arm almost the whole time we were driving. We were listening to an old "Grass Roots" CD and you should have seen her when their one song came on about that "little gold ring that you wear on hand that makes me understand".....At that point she leaned over and pulled me close to her and gave me a kiss on the cheek. I looked at her and she had this great big smile on her face.

We got home and sat together on the couch, making out for a little bit before S17 had to wreck it by coming home (just kidding, I think). We watched the news together while talking about our future. W really likes it here, but acknowledged that she hates her job and in a year when S17 graduates from H.S. that she's ok with us moving back to our hometown. She doesn't really want to, but realizes a home and shopping isn't worth being miserable in a job and I told her that it was the same way for me, that I didn't really want to do my job for the rest of my career and the only real opportunities I have to move to a different one or to move up are at the main office in our hometown. She also admitted that she really misses our friends back home and misses being closer to family so we can see them more often. GOOD STUFF.

We went to bed and ML. And man oh man was it passionate. When we were pretty much done, W looked at me and had this terribly pained look on her face. I thought for a good long moment she was going to break down. But in the end she didn't. But that's ok. We're getting there. We kind of snuggled for a bit and then went to sleep.

Ok, what's everyone think? Still a long way to go and I won't feel comfortable until I hear those three words I've not heard in almost 2 years and until I see those rings back on her fingers, but I've got time.

I think this is good, H4U. Very, very good. And you know me -- I hardly think ANYTHING is good, lol.

Puppy