Starting a second thread. H is returning back today after his 5 day cycle trip. I don`t know if our M is showing signs of death throes or new life after the very dramatic events of the previous weekend.
He texted over the weekend-though I texted first to see how his big cycle went. His texts were businesslike and asking about the kids. He texted the kids too(unusual for him).
Its his b day today. The kids haven`t mentioned it. I will make a cake and have the kids make a card.
I will stick with LRT and my relationship goals, GAL goals and the DBforum. H is on two weeks hols for which, it appears, he has no plans so we`ll be tripping over each other for the next fortnight A challenge to my DB mode!
My H's birthday was in the middle of his anger phase and he took it pretty badly (as he did all other family celebrations). It reminded him of his aging and all the MLC stuff, he really did not want to celebrate it and got really stressed by the end of the day.
May I suggest planning a few circut breakers in case your H feels similar, as well as being tired from his trip? A couple of happy movies that can be chucked on, ideas that may give him a bit of time out, or that you can do if needed. Just suggesting low expectations, which you obviously have, but if he loops out it may just be a hard day for him and not about you.
Ah, ha! Thanks for that SR. I hadn`t thought about the MLC interfering with his birthday celebrations. As it happens, it 4pm here and no sign of him. I didn`t txt him Happy Birthday and didn`t get him a card but had the kids make cards.Oh, and I`ve a cake baked for him.
Funny thing is, on DS11`s card he has written "You are gettng older but you act young!"
Well, H was in no rush back from his trip. Didn`t text me either to say what time he`d be home. I`d a cake made and didn`t want the kids to be up all night waiting for him so eventually I texted a brief happy birthday, will you be home for the cake? An hour later he texts back that he`d be home at 9 30.
Why wait an hour to get back to me? He was obviously on the road then, obviously got the text, just decided to let me wait.
And why take so long to get here?
But hey, I didn`t confront him with my anger. I know his main aim is to get me angry so he`s not gonna succeed there. The kids were in great form when he came home-but not because of him. We were all in party form-without him-and having great fun with niece who`s here for a few days.So he walked into a happy house.
We lit the candles-eventually- I didn`t rush around just because he was home. We even got a family pics with the candles lit-my niece insisted. I was light hearted and breezy(okay, a glass of wine helped!). I didn`t get into convo with him on his own though and went to bed before him.
We`re in the same bed now. Dunno if that will change when guestroom is vacated at weekend. Up to him to decide that.
H still in his black mood. All chat to my niece who is currently with us, minimal convo with me. And I`m still sweetness and light and clear about not initiating R talk and getting on with my life. Actually I`m very happy otherwise as there`s a lot of good stuff going on in my life anyway.
He is still sleeping with me which I`m glad about; it gives us the chance to reestablish physical intimacy with I feel would be helpful to us.
In fact my R goal this week was to have H initiate intimacy and that has happened! I don`t know if this is going to be a permanent reconnection or just a flash in the pan but I`m just happy to have us achieve that anyway.
I have gotten to the point of LRT where I can truly value the detachment, the GAL for me, the listening and validating what H has to say in R talk(I found that last part so difficult!) and am currently working on setting boundaries too.
I had an opening for boundary setting yesterday. I had realised at the weekend that H had stolen my cards from my purse.My card is on his acc and this was his way of stopping me using it even though he knows I use it VERY minimally. He is racking up the bill himself and burning up his c acc at the same time.He refuses to have a joint acc, has most of the savings in his name too and is being reckless with his spending(Not very, but not as careful as me IMHO.) Can buy exp concert tickets but is longfingering the electricity bill, for example) He refuses to have a joint acc. Just wants me to pay more even though I`ve nothing left over at the end of the month to pay anything extra. He knows that too as he can see my acc anytime online. Anyway, I knew that that in confronting him about the cards we`d get the money convo too.
Took a while for him to admit taking the cards. Usual tricks-got angry when I challenged him. But I stuck to my guns gently and told him I was 100 % positive he had. Then he admitted it and brought up the unpaid electricity bill. I established my position again-said I wouldn`t be paying it and that joint acc was the only way to go. He said that as we had our current system for the past 16 years we should stick we that but I reiterated that joint acc was what most couples did and that our old system clearly wasn`t working.
I asked him then if he stayed in a certain hotel in a recent trip away(There has been an OW in the past and trust in that area is hugely difficult for me). He denied it point blank. When I`d been ringing the cc company re my lost cards they had told me about this hotel and the bill for it coming through. I wasn`t alarmed then as it made sense of H to break his trip with an overnighter. Of course my alarm bell was deafening, though, when he denied staying the hotel.He denied and denied, eventually conceded-when I told him about the CC company call-that he had had dinner there. When I commented on how expensive the dinner was, he admitted to staying in the hotel. Said he felt odd staying there on his own and didn`t want to admit to doing something like that on his own... Yeah, I`m not sure about that one!
Somehow, that led to out intimacy issues. H brought up stuff which frankly, surprised me. But I LISTENED. And just said "Wow I never knew" as he told me about my problems in that area. Now I don`t believe ALL he had to say but I knew he needed to be heard so I SHUT UP and THANKED HIM for telling me that.(Please pass me an Oscar someone!)
Then H said "there are lots of other issues too of course"I agreed and didn`t elaborate(no point in dragging more stuff up at that point-one step at a time the only way to go and I know H needs to feel that we NOT reconciling even though I can feel a subconscious shift in the direction of the M).
I left the room first-excuse of tending to the kids(God Bless their hearts but they`d stayed out of the room for the hour;I think they knew Mum and Dad were having a serious chat and it does them good, I believe, to know that we can actually talk to each other on occasion!). Ten minutes later I was in our room and H initiated intimacy. I was just so thrilled. but unfortunately I had an appt in town and we couldn`t spend as long as I(we) would have liked.
I was home two hours later. H was gone when I returned and wasn`t back for another three hours. The usual mystery trip where he comes back in dark form(yeah, earlier intimacy forgotten) and doesn`t say where he`s been. I`d set enough boundaries for the day and didn`t confront him but was my usual pleasant detached self.
He`s gone home with the kids. Didn`t ask me along but said he would say that I had to stay because my niece is here. True enough-though she would be ok on her own here too, she`s 21.
H has a lotta, lotta issues. Particularly with his family of origin. He needs a therapist to help him through that but has chosen to work his own way through it(by blaming me, mostly!Sigh!) He finds it very difficult to be real with people, to be confident about his opinions, to know his own values, to accept responsibility. He is very confused IMHO about where he stands on everything. He has huge difficulty with friendship,with being open honest and loving with his kids, me and everybody else.He doesn`t know what he wants.
I know I`m ok. This board, my family and my therapist have been hugely helpful. I have my own issues-I`m very reactive,fiery,controlling, bullying, anxious, workaholic, needy,among other things. I`m working on making myself a better wife and mother by solving these problems.I know I can stand on the bank and watch H struggle in the deep water without my having to jump in.
Yesterday brought us a little closer together but theres a ton more to be done.
If you got this far in my post, well done you! and Thanks!
What an interesting week!!! Gotta be very pleased about the rumpy bumpy, I reckon that counts as a very good conection, especially if there was a deep and meaniful chat attached which you seemed to have gained from. You GO girl!! There is quite a lot to be said to being able to just listen (oscar passed!). Even if one does not agree, being able to open up deeper communication has go to be a great thing.
Not sure about the money issues, we have those too. It does seem (from someone who used to to hassle him about obvious big money spends) that if I let them through to the keeper as if they were a loaf of bread he tries twice as much and gives me so much more info next time around.
But, overall, gotta be a positive I reckon. And you have to expect he is going to pull back after such an encounter. A detached, I let you get watch you wanted THIS TIME attitude such that you are showing is a great way to treat it.
You keep setting goals that produce those results and you will be all sorted in a couple of months!!!!
As you said before, gotta keep my expectations low. And in my case, especially in relation to setting a time frame on this one. I reckon it could drag out for YEARS!
Actually, intersting timing that it was his birthday. I wonder if he may in the back of his mind see this as a new chapter, with the new year, I wonder if you might be able to plant the seed that the next year will be fresher or something. Worth monitoring anyway, I have noticed gear changes with us at events such as this. Low expectations for sure, but also need a plan for what you would do just in case there is a window too?
I do believe you`re right re H opening a new chapter.His taking the kids to his folks without me is his way of presenting himself as a separated Dad. He is so angry and bitter towards me I don`t believe he feels he can ever forgive me.
However, I believe myself that he can eventually get to the point of forgiving. I just have to stay with the changes and keep patient. Easy, right?!
He hasn`t acknowleged my changes to himself. In fact I don`t believe he feels they`re real. He can`t trust them. That`s to be expected. I just have to keep showing him those changes very consistently.
I expect he`ll actually be even more withdrawn when he returns. Inevitably there`ll be a family confab re our sitch and his family will batten down the hatches, close ranks and advise him to protect his finances and custody of the kids etc.
I`m working this one piece at a time. And since he revealed his concern re our intimacy issues,-specifically my apparent shortfall in that department-I`m working on that one.
It truly is an area where action can speak louder than words. But I won`t pursue him on this. He has had the benefit of our deep conversation on the issue last Weds. He knows he can sample the fruits of my labours if he chooses to do so. If he stays backed off that is where he has to stay.
I suspect his head is telling him-and his family-its over. But deep in his subconscious mind there is a little spark that can become the flame.
