hello fellow dber's. I was a heavy poster 4-5 yrs ago while my M was falling apart due h infidelity. I was not the best at db, but did find it effective & helpful on a few levels. H did come around & sought reconciliation after ow & he split. Was just too late for me & although I had dreamed of that day, I surprised myself to find out I was not interested in taking the ahole back. I had met a man I was sure was right for me and took the chance on something new. Well, now I'm sorry to be back here looking for strength focus & guidance once again. I never married my recent BF. But we've lived together 4 yrs. We were very committed and serious so I consider it a M, without the legalities. We broke up and he moved out in Feb. I call him every few wks to check in and have thought if he just had enough time for his pride to shrink & if I focused on PMA & GAL that it would all work out. Circumstances that caused our current situation are unusual, certainly not typical of what you'd see here ie ILUNILWU type bs. The other day I called him first time in wks. We had a nice convo & good flow so I asked if he'd like to meet me sometime for a drink or dinner. He said he doesn't mind if I call from time to time but that he has no interest to see me because he thinks I will take advantage of the strong feelings he has for me to manipulate the situation. He says he loves me, but that he's given up on R. He says he will never forgive me and can't get over what I did to cause the R to end. He says he is done w women, that he's focused on work & his son and has no interest in reconciling. I suggested counseling and he said no, it won't change reality. Really sad. Believe it or not, my unforivable offense.... I adopted a cat in Jan. He dislikes pets, esp. cats. I told him I wanted the cat and he said no. I got her anyway thinking he'd get over it. She was in the house a wk before I told him and he never noticed. Once I told him tho, he gave me 2 wks to rehome cat or he'd leave. I thought I'd call his bluff since I never thought he'd leave for what I see as a stupid reason. 2 wks passed while things were normal with us. At 2 wks point, he told me he noticed cat still in house & what had I decided. I told him I wanted to keep her. Within days he was gone. I've given him 5 months for his pride to shrink while I worked on my DB skills. Lack of patience was my enemy when I tried to save my M, so I have made strides in that dept. I have been so sure that this would blow over. Esp. now he lives near me & doesn't have to live w cat. He's so hurt & angry and feels I chose a pet over him. On my side, I am so hurt and angry that he would walk out over a cat. Is it just me..... or is this just crazy? We were so compatable on many levels and things looked very good for us and our future. I love him very much and he loves me. I think life is too short for this and just can't believe that a pet could end something that had so much potential. When he moved in w/ me I had 5 pets. 2 cats, 1 rabbit, & 2 dogs. I know that living with pets made him very uncomfortable, but he was willing to do so to be with me. I now know he assumed that he would out live all pets eventually and thought I'd never get new ones. I assumed that he would become endeared to their cuteness & learn to love them. We both assumed wrong. Meanwhile, my 14 yr old dog dies, my 21 yr old cat died, my 7 yr old rabbit died. This left me 1 dog, 1 cat. All was fine for a yr. But because BF was uncomfortable around cats in particular, I made huge compromises. Cat never allowed upstairs when he's home, not allowed in our bedroom. Cat has my DD to sleep with and 2 floors in home open to her and a backyard. But my cat is very affectionate & snuggly and I could tell she was lonely without a snuggle buddy. Esp. since the top floor was off limits and BF & I were primarily upstairs. I adopted an older cat to be her companion. Since BF moved in when I had 5 pets, I didn't see that having 3 was going to be a deal breaker. I take care of them & was considerate of his negative feelings for them. This does seem to be a fundamental difference between 2 people who are otherwise very compatable. I can't help but think it's absurd to walk away from a good relationship where there is love & communication over something foolish. I believe that as long as we love each other, there is hope to resolve this. I believe time is on my side. There are couples who survive real problems and I just can't see losing a R over something so dumb. I've admitted to him that I went about this wrong. I've apologized for how it made him feel. When he told me no new cat, I tried to sell him on the idea for wks. If I explain that my cat was lonely etc,, it's as if I'm talking about a cock roach. He just doesn't get it. I know it was inconsiderate to adopt cat wo his approval, but I really thought he'd get over it. I have such a hard time accepting the level he took it to.
I have been on this board enough to understand the types of problems couples are coping with. I feel unworthy to bring my troubles here. But I am in the same pain as anyone else here and seek a community of support. Does anyone else think this is qualifies as the dumbest reason to break up ever? I would like to believe that there is hope here. I offered to rehome new cat if he could allow my original cat access to our top floor living room so she can sit on my lap while I use computer or watch tv. He can't compromise. He says God never intended animal to live with man. Hmm. I must have missed that part. Much as I love the furries. I miss this man profoundly. He was my every day buddy. He's a man of principle and discipline. He is honest & trustworthy (unlike my ex) and our sex life was the best ever. Our kids got along, we made a nice family. Our r was so healthy in nearly every way. I don't really know why i'm here, but this board was a lifesaver for me b 4 and I have come to journal and find peace. I hope I haven't offended anyone by posting my absurd situation esp. when I am not M.
What I've done since BF left - Started to work out 3 am wk Keep busy gardening, working, quality time w/ DD Training dog to do lots of fun tricks
Reflected & analyzed R and sitch to better understand. I can't say there was much going wrong in R that I would have to change or work on. Mainly it's just that I disrespected his request to not add 2nd cat. So for him, I suppose it was that I disregarded his feelings. I underestimated how serious this was for him. I've acknowledged that my approach was the wrong way to go about this. I've apologized. Whenever I speak to him, I've hidden my despair & sadness and always sound upbeat. I have validated and listened. The last convo was the first time I admitted I love him and that I miss him and hope we can work something out. He admits he loves me also but that he can't forgive what i've done. He told me he has no interest in meeting another woman. He claims it was a humiliating experience to explain to his family & friends that I prefer a cat over him. Of course I have a different perspective than he does. I believe compromise can be made. Positives: 1.Initially he wanted no contact w/ me, but he now seems happy to hear from me. 2.The 1st couple wks he left, he ignored my occasional text message, now he responds within minutes. 3.He has now admitted he loves me. We both confessed we have not dated op since we met 4 yrs ago - even in the past 5 months we've been apart. 4. The fact that he is afraid I would attempt to manipulate his feelings if we saw ea. other may mean that his own resolve is weak and he doesn't trust himself to stand his ground if we were to meet face to face. Negatives: 1.He is not willing to take dialogue into direction that could bring mutual understanding & reconciliation. 2. Despite what I want, he is in control of where this goes or doesn't go. Strategy: 1. I know he will not contact me. I will continue to make a check in call every few wks. I will not ask him for more again. I will not speak about my feelings again. But rather try to appear cheery & fun. 2. I may write to him putting all on the line. This may be more powerful on paper and he will not feel it necessary to respond, but it may sink in. 3. He mentioned he needs to pick up some things he left behind. I will be certain that house is clean & organised and smells yummy & familiar. I may even have cooked food to offer! Maybe he'd linger a bit and the familiar home he walked out on may make him sentimental. How could I know there is progress? 1. It will be clear he's happy to talk with me. 2. He'll laugh with me. 3. He'll confide in me about problems or situations he is dealing with. 4. He will talk to me about his feelings, unprovoked. 5. He will be willing to forgive me for disrespecting his feelings about the cat. We may discuss compromises possible to make the r work despite my affection & his disdain for pets.
I have a couple of questions. Firstly, what would you do if he didn't want to compromise? What if, for him, having pets is a complete no-no? Would you be able to change for him? If not, why would it be reasonable for him to change for you?
I don't think the reason is trivial at all....for men having their opinions and feelings respected is, I think, more important than the feeling of being loved. So for him, this is a huge thing, as I guess his actions show.....
This board is pretty quiet at the moment. You'll get a lot of feedback in Newcomers, which I think is busier, but keep posting here and I'm sure people will stop by and offer advice and opinions. OD
It seems that neither of you realized how strongly the other felt. And now you get to deal with it.
First, I'm wondering if there isn't something else here, and the little kitty was just the trigger? I know it seems trivial, but obviously it isn't to him.
Here's the thing, and Lisa touched on it. You backed him into a corner. Not on purpose, perhaps, but that's what happened. You asked, and he said no. Then you got the kitten anyway... so he is thinking, why did she ask, if she was going to do it anyway? Is she listening to me? To him, the issue is a lot more than the cat.
So, now you have to decide. Is the cat a "hill to die for"? I can't answer that for you, noone can.
I still wonder if there isn't something else... but then I am a cat person, so getting a kitty wouldn't bother me at all!
oh thanks for the responses. Yes I do think it's deeper than the cat, and I've spent a great deal of time considering that. But he's really stuck on the cat issue, so I'm backed up there too. I can't move pages ahead if he's still on this chapter. Background: He had a pretty horrible childhood. His Mum couldn't handle him, her 4th, she was single. So he was passed around to neighbors & family members from before he was 2. After quite a bit of that, his Dad took him to live with his wife & their kids cuz he didn't like to see him being passed around. Step Mom hated him since he was the product of his Dad's affair with ow and so she treated him pretty badly. His Mom lived in the ghetto with his 3 sibs. His Dad was wealthy, so he had private schools and lived in a gated community. Dad treated step mom poorly and step Mom treated him like an unwelcome guest. He was in med school when his dad died. No will. step-Mom got all the money, the business, properties, and land. She shared with her 3 kids, but not w/ BF or his Mom & sibs. He had to drop out of university with no one to pay. He fell into construction work but has resentment that his 1/2 sibs all got university educations. Because of this, I think he has a very deep rooted desire to be loved above all else. When he made me chose. It was a test and I failed. He also has a lot of pride & my decision to get kitty without his blessings was a blow to his male ego. I agree with OD that he didn't feel I respected him in this matter or cared about his opinion. It was obviously far more important to him than I realized. It seems so dumb, the cat or me. But it's more that he felt I disregarded his opinion. Even now tho, I just don't think it qualified as a fatal blow. From my perspective, I already had 2 cats when he moved in w/ me. So adding a 2nd after my old one passed didn't seem outrageous. I felt I had already compromised so much to make him comfortable. But if he has adopted a zero tolerance for pets, we do have problems. In 2005 he told me he would never ask me to get rid of pets since he can see how much they mean to me and how I care for them. I never realized he implied that he expected I would not ever get new ones! I know to me it seems unfair. And if he refuses to compromise to accomodate my desire for furries, than I really don't know if there is going forward from here. I know it's a BIG deal to him, and to me it's absurd. But we could have 2 apts. in the same bldg. Or share a home where pets aren't allowed on his floor. Even now, he lives only a few blocks away, we could easily see each other and not share a home. I could stay with him a few nights a wk and he'd never have to see the cat. But he isn't willing to forgive or forget how I disappointed him. This is more that I hurt him by not taking his feelings seriously. And true, I didn't. I really thought he'd just get over it and be fine. He said he thinks about it every day how I chose a cat over him and he's torn up about it. There's something more that was going on too which contributed. But I'll write more later, lest this get too long. I've had pets all my life. In fact the past 4 yrs that i've been w/ BF is the only time in 49 yrs that I haven't had a kitty in my bed at night. I just cant' imagine not having them. I would like to think these are it, and that I will be pet free by my mid 60's, but I don't know if I can make it a sincere promise. Jeff, you are not the only person who has said they think something else is up. BF has had 5 months to fess up about anything else at all. But no, he's stuck on the cat thing and for him that was enough.
Just a quick drop by: You thought he would change to suit your life and he probably thought the same of you. He told you he didn't want another cat (it could have been anything) but you did it anyway.
You didn't have enough respect for him to take his position seriously because obviously there are so many ways around it. You explain all of them here. But it isn't about the options to him, it is about the respect and then going behind his back anyway. The final straw as you know is that you didn't take him seriously and you chose the cat.
What if it had been something you didn't consider absurd, he doesn't know that you wouldn't respect his choices because you didn't respect this one on something he was pretty clear about.
You obviously love your pets and he doesn't want them. This choice is totally in your hands. But I think you already chose. Not trying to take sides just trying to break down a bit.
kat
Me-53(and learning!) S24, S21, D18, D17 Just keep swimming, Just keep swimming. Dory
Yes. I think this is fair to say. At the time he moved I felt right & thought he was acting crazy over the cat. But I did spend a lot of time thinking it thru and it's true, I did not take him seriously on the issue and he did feel disrespected. I have acknowledged that. I have apologized. I can't rehome pets. I can promise these are the last. But you are probably correct to say he may wonder what's next if I did this. I was wrong. I went about it wrong. I caused this wonderful man whom I loved to leave. I did underestimate what it meant to him in principle. I KNOW he can be used to the cat, he lived with 2 b4. Therefore I wish to show him I would not disrespect him on other issues and I would take him very seriously from here. I have learned a painful lesson about him. I would not repeat it. Wish I could utilize the time machine and do things differently. Now I have very little contact with him and no idea how to show him he could trust me. There is another side to this which affected the situation. I will post more about it soon. Because it better explains how we got to this place. thanks for your input. It's painful but I know it's true.
Want to add that although this issue where I didn't listen to BF wishes was not a pattern. I respected his opinions and often took his advice. I often considered his feelings and sacrificed to make him comfortable. This cat thing was not the normal. He did not need to conclude that it meant I would never respect him, as he seems to have. He is not looking very holisticly at our history to think this. He is focused on this point, and I'm sure has not reflected on the countless times I did respect him and listen to him. I told him at the time, you are my partner, not my boss. He moved in with me into my house. If I'd moved into his house, no. I would have never considered getting the cat. A few months before the cat, he said he was planning to buy a bldg and what would I do with my pets then. I said, well they're family they're coming with us to your bldg. He said, no I don't want cats in my bldg. So I replied, ok. then you will move to the new bldg and we will stay here. Due this convo, I decided what did it matter if I had 1 or 2 cats if we can't move with him when he buys anyway. Now he claims he never meant that when he said it. Well, I had no way of knowing he was kidding. Seemed pretty sincere to me at the time.
The other part of the circumstance is that BF was sick. He was experiencing a few symptoms that were debilatating. This went on for many months, I think 7. He refused to seek medical attention. The longer he was ill, the crankier he became. It was turning into a very difficult situation. I think he believed he was dying and there is a certain way you'd expect your partner to treat you if you're dying. But I refused to subscribe to that theory and until he would get a diagnosis, I was not about to treat him like a patient dying. I did bring him meals in bed, made him tea, expressed concern and offered advice. I made dr. appts. that he wouldn't go to. I finally shamed him into a dr visit by saying his son needed a father and if he has something wrong that could be fixed but he died from not treating it and his son grew up without him because of it. Unfortunately the dr. could find no cause for his symptoms. He remained sick and got more and more crabby as time went on. It was very frustrating to live with someone who is ill and refusing to take action. I would give him advice and he would say, yes your right, I'll do that. Then the next day he'd say no, and offer some ridiculous alternative. For instance, I wanted him to get an mri. He decided he needed to get to the gym for cardio workout instead and see what would happen and maybe it would make him feel better. I would be-moan, what if you're head is bleeding - cardio would be the worst course to take! Then he wouldn't join the gym anyway, but still not do the MRI. So I was at my wits end with his not taking care of himself. We had always gotten along so well, but this strain was making the relationship nearly unbearable. He started to complain that I woudln't cook for him, although he knew I was working 10 hr days, 7 days a wk. I didn't have time or energy to cook his dinner. There was an eve. when he was cooking and he asked me to get the pans out because if he bent down he would pitch on the floor. I handed him the pans. Then I went up because I was working on a deadline project that had to be finished same night. Weeks later and to this day , he complains that I should have told him if you are that sick that you'll fall over, go lay down and I'll cook for you! Another day the kids had friends over and we ordered pizza. BF was in bed as he always was when he was home cuz he never felt well. He came downstairs and shouted at me in front of the kids because I hadn't served him pizza in bed. I know this isn't his regular behavior, I know he was sick. But it put so much strain on our relationship, esp. because he wouldn't do anything about it. The man won't even take a simple pain reliever when suffering from migranes which he was having regularly. I really believe if he hadn't been sick, the issue of the cat would not have blown up. And if I wasn't feeling so hopeless in the situation and angry that he refused medical help, I probably wouldn't have pushed my luck with the cat. She was actually more of a catalyst than a cat. He began to recover after moving. Just as mysterious as the onset, the symptoms have slowly resolved. He says, I don't live with you and now I'm not sick. Which I think is unfair! I recently discovered that there is a terrible mold problem in my basement and have been alarmed at the results of air sampling done. I looked up symptoms and all BF's symptoms were on the potential list as well as symptoms that DD & I have. We all have different symptoms, but all are potentialy related to the mold issue. I am currently in a battle with my landlord to remediate the problem, as well as looking for alternative housing. I have told BF that I suspect he was affected by the mold. He had a workshop in basement so it makes sense that he presented first and that his sypmtoms were most severe. All in all. I think he woudln't have hated the cat idea to the point of leaving if he hadn't felt so ill. He was talking about what his son would inherit and such that I do believe he thought he was dying at the time. Given that he was thinking that, he was esp. sensitive to how I was treating him. Him saying, well now I'm not sick since I dont' live w/ you, maybe you put me under too much stress - is so unfair. I really couldn't continue to be treated badly by a sick person. No matter what I did to make him comfortable or show concern, it always seemed to fall short of his expectations. So there is the rest of the story. Now he's well. I have a 2nd cat. And he's gone. I'm so sad and lonely. I miss my every day buddy and I miss the relationship we had before he was ill and cranky.
And that's not just my perspective. My sister cried when she was here for xmas and saw how he was treating me. My 3 closest friends all said he had become intolerale. I would excuse it due his illness, but no one was very sympathetic since he woudln't get help. He turned into a cranky demanding bossy person, and that is not who I spent 31/2 yrs with. This happened over the time he was sick and just worsened. Now he recently said he didnt' like when I was quiet and sulky. I guess I became quiet and sulky because my r had become so dysfunctional and one sided.
And of course, he doesn't acknowledge that he was impossible or demanding. Only that I didn't help him enough. I don't know what to do about it. You can't force someone to see what they don't wish to see. For him it's about the cat. For me it's so much more. It may look impossible. But if we still love each other, I believe it can be worked out. The poster above said for him it's not about options. That apears to be the case despite he admits he loves me still. I gave him several months to reflect in hopes that he would look at the situation differently. But he is still stuck on the cat thing. I'm glad he's feeling healthy. Maybe in more time, he'll consider how his health situation affected our relationship. ?
