Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers A Wife that has come back? Post Affair feelings ,,

Hi again.

Sara, you have a valid point, I am still working through trust issues, and I recognize that. I'm also taking it a step at a time and don't want to go back to the old sitch of beating myself up every time I make a mistake and always walking on eggshells endlessly. And no, I generally don't cut W off from anyone and I dont intend to. I encourage her to go out more actually. Some time back, I even got her 4/5 best friends together to try and arrange a trip for all of them to an island resort as a surprise birthday gift to her (she had been sad then that she seemed to have drifted away from her friends).

Only exception would be OM and maybe a couple of others. As for the other WAWs, I asked more out of really just wanting to hear others' experiences. The WAWs are actually pretty good friends of mine too, people I care about and would want to be happy.

Trying: I hear you, and also can empathize. W went through similar stages too. I'm actually very happy and grateful (and surprised) we're here now, 20 months after discovery of the A and subsequent periods when it seemed life could never be good again.

yeah a step at a time, and relax

Just journaling a bit more.

Been observing the W, and I can't seem to find any hint of the WAW that was her 20 months ago. Have not told her much about the sense of just being lost and detached I was feeling, just that I needed to talk to her soon once I sort my thoughts out a bit more. She is obviously fearful I'll rant at her over the A but just quietly agreed.

She's obviously working on herself too. Told me of a few headhunters who have called her up (no go since she is pregnant), and asked me about talking to a few business friends about her working for them on a part weekly basis after the maternity leave so she can spend time with the kids (or even working for my business, but I told her that's not a good idea). She is re-decorating the apartment, partly to give the older kids a better study area, and to prepare for the new arrival. Comes home straight after work almost everyday, in fact bugs me to pick her up earlier (I send her to work and home from work). Texts me often, and often tells me she missed me during the day when we're cuddling at night. Holds my hand during the drives everyday and never fails to kiss it and say how happy she is we're back together this way.

So ... can't fault her effort at all.

We just came back from a gynae appointment yesterday. Seeing the baby on the scan again was so nice. Our first gynae wanted to terminate the pregnancy due to complications and this is our second doctor. First round of tests results came back as low risk on some standard birth deformities, so we're hopeful and I'm praying as we go for detailed tests in the next month. She really wants things to be ok as this baby will mean so much in so many ways about what we've been through.

So, still praying and trying and telling myself to be positive and not let insecurities and hurts eat at the balance I've gotten by improving on myself first ...

Been some time since I posted in this thread, and I apologise in advance if this seems like some self-indulgent wandering ...

What would I have given almost 2 years ago to be here now? I'm very, very lucky and blessed. I allowed myself to let negativity and past hurts eat at me when I have been given a new lease of life in my M many would pray for. Sure, there's still healing to be done, and the M would be a lifelong (hopefully) work in progress and who knows what the future holds? But in a way, I've been ungrateful and not making the most of things, to say the least.

Well, a few wake calls in the last month. Both kids caught the H1N1 virus. Rather traumatic, especially when S4 had BAD reactions from the Tamiflu - halluinations and violent moods. As W is pregnant I had arranged for her to stay at a hotel for a week. That led to our first really huge fight that had nothing to do with the A. Issues of me being insensitive and controlling, of her being unreasonable cropped up. I did it out of fear for her safety obviously, as well as for the unborn child. But this woman is a tigress where the kids are concerned, no way she was going to stay away while her kids were sick.

We went for a detailed scan of the baby last week - no abnormalities detected so far, thank God. W has set aside some money coming in for us to take a getaway before she can't travel due to the pregnancy.

OM tried his luck recently - a few "innocent" friendly emails to her work email. She ignored him. We can talk about this calmly and factually now. Not the most pleasant of conversational topics, but the sting has mostly gone.

W just reminded me we're committed to help with the Retrouvaille weekend coming up, again a big change from before - she hated any reference to her "mistakes". Told me how she will want to keep paying it forward ...

I'm grateful, and must remind myself to remain so even as I keep in mind the lessons of the past 2 years ...

Where is your moral outrage about this? I’ll rant a little in your stead. Man o man, what are you doing? You wife has an affair, threatens you not to tell anyone or you’ll be sorry, and insists that she will continue to communicate with here adultery partner because he is rich and she wants his money. And you agree?

Did you ever tell the OM's wife about the affair? Do you think she deserves to know? How many diseases do you think he is bringing home to her? Would you have wanted to know about your wife's affair before you did? Do the right thing and tell this woman. If all contact was over, if the person was out of your life, then perhaps I wouldn't tell OM's wife, but that isn't the case. He is actively pursuing your wife and you are doing nothing about it. Why don’t you go have a little conversation with the OM?

And the fact that you are putting up with this situation of the work relationship, and part of your wife's income is coming directly from this POS . . . well it almost makes it look like you are pimping you wife.

Perhaps she will go no contact in two months or whatever when she goes on maternity leave, but man this would really really bother me. A lot. I would feel disgusted with myself (as a man even) knowing I didn’t take a stand and just passively accepted my wife’s contact with her adultery partner. For money. Yuck. It would be a boundary of mine not to be in a marriage where my wife actively communicates with her adultery partner. But you get to decide you boundaries not me.

I’m not trying to be a pr!ck, but man this looks terrible from where I sit. I’m angry just reading it.

Me too.

Get a paternity test.

Oh, ye of little faith....! Change, complete change, is possible if people want to change.

Deep, that all sounds good. I mean except for your kids getting swine flu. That's terrible. But I'm happy to hear the pregnancy is normal and she is feeling fine.

I just did the set up and greeting on our local Retrouvaille last weekend. My husband had flown to the northeast to drive home with my son, so I attended alone. And I was struck by what a great family we have turned into after Retrouvaille changed our lives. One of the presenting couples had not been here since the session we attended 2 1/2 years ago. It was nice to welcome them and show them that they had changed our lives. I'm sure that group of 58 nervous faces wondered why I walking around smiling so confidently. But I knew what they didn't -- that at the end of the weekend they would all be much happier than they had been in a long time.

Well thanks for the feedback all.

Esox, Kimmie, oh trust me, the sense of outrage, actually just rage, was very very strong. I've learnt to temper it, sometimes to the extent where I question how "detaching" can be a double edged sword. If W had given any indication that she had any feelings towards OM, that she was in contact for any reason beyond what she had to do for work at all, it wouldn't be the same Deep posting here now.

Thing is, just as how LBS can sometimes miss or ignore all the signs big and small that their spouse is switching off the M, I cannot ignore the signs that tell me W is truly remorseful and sincere. Some things you just can't express in words - I'm with W and I believe what I am seeing and feeling. This trust level is admittedly not 100% yet, but it's taken a lot of work and pain to be here.

And frankly, I don't give a hoot about the money. What I do have to bear in mind is this: financial security was a big part of what drove our M apart. And as she woke up, I could see she really did not like to see the person she was during the wayward period. There was resentment and negativity aplenty in our M, in how she felt towards the kids, and as a person. Maybe I'm being too soft, but I knew depriving her of the self esteem, pride, satisfaction she was having in her career after years of trying would leave her leaving even more empty. Sure, it's a problem she created, she should solve it. But I felt I saw real effect and commitment and did not want to make it more difficult than it had to be.

I have an idea how to deal with OM in the right time, right place, on my terms. Punishing W in the process does not come into it. And I've moved into an emotional place where I am ok with this.

We're NOT through with the healing process, not by some distance. I also accept that. We'll work on the positives we created, which are huge and for which I'm grateful.

OM will have no work relevance to W in a few weeks if all goes to plan. And no, I don't think a paternity test is necessary.

" I have an idea how to deal with OM in the right time, right place, on my terms. Punishing W in the process does not come into it. And I've moved into an emotional place where I am ok with this."

This has nothing at all to do with punishing your wife. It is about protecting your marriage. Every time she contacts him, every time she interacts with him it damages your marriage. I hope you see that. There are consequences for adultery. And one of them should be, if the unfaithful spouse wants to remain married, to stop all contact with the other adulterer. It is the ethical thing to do. It is good to know that she plans to do it sometime in the future.


I couldn't care less what happens to the OM, I do think his wife has a right to know that he had an affair with your wife. Have you been tested for STDs?

The paternity test is certainly up to you.

I hope your wife indeed wishes to recover from her adultery and build a stronger future with you. It seems she is being sincere.

Esox: Yups I tested for the (major) STDs and cleared them. W also went through a comprehensive series of tests related to the pregnancy - no STDs. And technically, she insists to this day that the physical intimacy was mainly kissing and no sex. Well, whatever happened has happened, and I choose to focus on the positive.

We helped out at the Retrouvaille weekend just past. Went through the same range of emotions looking at the couples who came in. Found W talking with tears in her eyes with someone from our CORE group during a break, she told me she kept thinking how she just wanted to be with me as I was helping folks carry their stuff to their rooms and how regretful she felt.

The team leaders / facilitators asked us again to start workshopping to be a presenting couple in future. W was positive initially but backtracked later when asked to start this very week. Told me later that she has nightmares facing up to what she had done, and that she could never explain to our kids how "pathetically cheap and stupid" (her words) she had been. Told her to just take it easy and focus on our M still. We can continue to pay it forward in small ways by helping with the logistic stuff at weekends as we have been doing.

As for OM W, yes I do feel for her. OM regaled W with stories of his exploits during the A. But I can't hurt my recovering M to tell her right now.

Just journaling here ... A little reminder today of how things can surface to haunt you when you least expect them to.

W and I had been working at the M, things have been very good. It really seems like the 18 months or so of hurt was just a bad dream. The love from W is genuine, stronger than ever, more than I could have really expected. Sure, we still have issues to work through, and I'm sure besides the scars, there will be residual baggage for a long time to come.

This post is not about this - we completely underestimated the effects on the kids.

W had been bothered by how D and S has grown more distant for some time now. D in particular I know has seen more of our fights that I would have liked. But she was always closer to me, although not really so for the last 3 months. Both kids have grown very, very close to our stay-in domestic helper.

W took D out to a concert today for a mum-D outing with my encouragement. They had dinner, during which, D burst out with questions she had been suppressing:

D: So, are you and Dad ok now? Are you going to D in future?
W: we had some big problems, but we love each other and you and S very much. We've worked them through.
D: But what happened? And will you fight again?
W: We won't fight the same way again.
D: I need to tell you about something I found.

(During the BAD period, our fights were terrible. W was feeling remorse, but I did not see it that way. She OD'ed as I posted before. Unknown to me, W had written a note to the kids when she took the pills, just to say she loved them and was very sorry she could not be around for them. She never gave them the letter obviously. D found it one day in W's handbag when we were out).

D: Mum, what happened? How could things be like that?
W: ...
D: What caused it? Did Dad have an affair? Or did you?
W: (stunned) We were just really miserable and fighting ...
D: I would be so ashamed if either one of you ever had an affair, I couldn't live with that ...

W then told D that whatever mistakes we might have made, it would have been our own faults, and that D and S should never feel they had done anything wrong or feel remotely ashamed for it.

W was very loving but upset when she told me this after the kids went to bed. She had always told me she could never live with our kids knowing. As she put it, they should never know their mum was ever that "cheap and stupid". She told me how grateful she is for the 2nd chance after the pain she caused, and that she just couldn't tell D what she did. I'm not interested in taking that road either.

Geez, both of us, so wrapped up in our issues and pain, never thinking like we should have for the kids.

My work load and stress is off the scale right now, but I must find the time to be with D for our "Daddy day" time together, and soon.