Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers A Wife that has come back? Post Affair feelings ,,

Hi Deep,

A few suggestions
-I think you can't keep bringing up OM. Or work out a specific time period when you can ask questions and she needs to answer. If she's evasive, you might have your answer.
-I think you need to free yourself from this fear you have. Sandi hit the nail on the head when she said you were basically reacting out of fear. Her threats and emotional blackmail only work when you are afraid you'll lose her.
-In that vein, you should try working to get more independence from her...at least emotionally. You need at least some level of detachment. You need to know you'll be okay.

-In your wife's defense, I do think she's probably trying. I do think you have to limit your lack of trust. What's the worse that can happen? She'll cheat again? If you get strong and know you'll be okay...then that shouldn't crush you. I also put myself into your wife's shoes regarding my own job. I wouldn't leave it because my wife told me she needed me to.

Thanks for the advice again.

the detachment part is where I'm afraid I'll lose sight of where the line is. And yes, I've reached the point where I'm ok with myself whatever happens.

My fear (or big part of it anyway) was really on the harm she could do herself, given teh history ...

I had a talk with W - turned out much better than I expected (in some ways). Will wrap up with her and post here for comments.

Hi, just thought I would post a short talk I had with W (over a few interruptions as it was busy time with the kids).

Overall, it was good, had its great and not-so-great parts. Background to this was that stuff had been happening to W we hadn't had time to catch up on while I was handling some of my thoughts.

Turned out a few of her friends had been having marital problems. A potential WAW, and a WAW (let's call her Z) who had an A some years back and whose H then had an A after their recovery and now they're having some issues. Z is a good family friend and I was shocked as she would be the last person you would think capable of an A (well, so is my W, so what do I know eh?).

Anyway, great situation to open a talk, given that we've not mentioned the A for a long time now and focused on our M, and to good effect so far.

W quietly told me she confessed to them and 4 other very close friends. Now this was surprising! I asked her why. She answered it was partly since she did not want them making mistakes like she did. She also felt she didn't need to hide what happened. The year before and even after A, she had been telling them how bad things were and how she regretted the M. Just hearing her side of the story made me look like a troll. She couldn't tell them what she did and there were questions about how we seemed to be doing so well now. She told me "I'm lucky to have you, I'm proud to have you, I didn't want them thinking all those things I said about you were all true and you were this jerk." So she told them what happened and what she felt I did for her.

she then hugged me and said "You're still holding my hand every day when we drive home, and when we sleep. Not that I need reminding now how lucky I am, but none of them have Hs like you. You're the best".

Hard not to feel good about that. And hard to say the next thing "Actually, there's been some things I've been needing to talk to you ...".

W took a deep breath, wasn't nice to see that haunted look come back to her face. Anyway, in brief, she told me she knew it was coming, that she knew something was bothering me. Told me she had quietly been trying to get her boss to drop OM from her portfolio, but every work related reason got shot down. She realised it must have been eating at me, and at this point, squeezed my hand and thanked me for not stressing her out about it. She asked me if she should just quit, and this time, she said she realises it would make a big financial impact, with the loss of earnings, the baby coming, the paid maternity leave we would be losing, the economy as it was. But she would take that as something necessary and not blame me, and if we got tight for money, that we'll have to cut expenses and just see it through.

But she asked again for me not to suggest to her boss she had an A to try for a portfolio change, she would rather quit. ( I had suggested long ago that she report OM was making unwanted advances. yes, bad move I know). And it was clear she was dreading me talking anything about the A again.

Also quietly told me she was going to discuss with me about approaching the Retrouvaille program folks in our area. Some of them had felt we made good progress and asked us to think about spending some time writing with a coaching couple to further the healing and maybe be a presenting couple down the road. They felt our experience (and if we healed ) would help others. W was deadset against it - she would never consider telling strangers what happened and recovery seemed far away. W now feels (and very grateful) we're well on track, and very happy with with our M. Said she wanted to write it out with me and bury remaining ghosts " and maybe present if they want us to ... as a payback for what we have gotten from the program, help others like we've been helped".

Again, good to hear. I told her I loved her very much, and I would always love her and the kids and take care of them. I did end by saying that I still had something to talk through with her, and that I had been feeling out of sorts and detached a little lately. She seemed to take it calmly although again that dread flashed in her eyes. Told her to let things be for a while and we'll talk soon, and that I needed to think through her offer to quit.

Guess it's good like I said? I kind of think I know what to say to her, but any advice or comments much appreciated.

So what did you say to this? I think you should take her up on this offer, and trust God to provide. I think He would honor a commitment like that.

Puppy

That is a wonderful conversation. I have heard that writing your stories makes for the biggest breakthrough in healing. I don't know if you got enough reassurance that she loves you and wants to stay married to you from that conversation, but I sure did. I think you two are a great example of a success story.

After my husband's affair, I had haunting feelings and sometimes even nightmares about OW. This went on for months. I told him about them and he reassured me that she was no longer in his thoughts. He told me that he is happy in our marriage, and wants everything to continue as it has been going. That, the deep looks into my eyes, and some nice gestures, and I've been feeling confident ever since.

Hi and thanks again.

Sara, yes I am greatly encouraged and feel great about it. But I've gone through too many ups and downs, complete about turns, basically the hell that many here go through, to ever take anything for granted or to believe anything at face value again.

PDT, well I sat down with her today and we agreed to set aside the negative feelings and just look at the issue of her quitting in the most sensible way. So, she would try not to take anything as perceived attacks by me, and I'll try not to say hurtful things. We agreed to talk through feelings and other stuff another time. And we both decided to look at it as accepting she was over OM, and we just needed to move on getting all contact cut as a part of healing.

She outlined for me her stance. She will be desk bound for most of Aug to Oct. She intends to take leave from mid Nov and is due for delivery End Dec / early Jan 2010. She will be on leave for at least 4 months from then. all in all, the paid leave and other benefits will be about $80k. She asked me if it made sense to give it up for basically 3 months of the current situation. She will quit once the maternity period is over. We're still talking about it for now ...

So, she'll still be in contact, but it's worth $80k to you.

How much is your marriage worth??

Yes, I realised I might create that misunderstanding after I posted. Sorry, the last few posts were made in between dealing with very active kids and work calls, so may have been a bit disjointed.

PDT: I wouldn't care about the money itself no. There's a bit of the "walking on eggshells" element partly since money and fmaily finances were one of W's original complaints about me and how I did not hear any of her concerns (including on financial security).

At least, we're talking about when she's qutting now, not if. Mindset wise I'm ok, used to taking small steps, meeting reversals often etc. As long as things seem to be moving in the right direction, I can still try to be patient.

Btw, does anyone have any experience of WAW (or potential WAW) meeting friend who used to be a WAW and whether it can do any good or ends up as a validation of their actions?

Deep,

First you don't trust her to be able to talk to former OM without starting up the affair again. Now you worry about her talking to a WAW friend. When are you going to recognize your trust issues and stop trying to cut your wife off from other people to protect your relationship?

Deep - given her intentions to make the marriage work and leave the A behind, I would give her a little more rope and try to trust her. I would give anything to be in your shoes, and I am actually trying to step away and let my wife do what she wants without trying to control her now, even though she says the M is over and she is trying to figure out if she wants to leave.

Count your blessings, and relaaaaaax.

Also, I agree that your story would go over great at Retrouvaille. I fantasized about being one of the presenting couples since it would mean that we recovered and had a great story to tell just like they did. I hope some day I am in the same position with a great story to tell!