Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers A Wife that has come back? Post Affair feelings ,,

Yeah I had a very hard time dealing with it. Self-esteem aside, I took pride in working out and was a ripped gym rat at the time of the A. OM was a short, flabby 50 year old but as W put it - it was never about looks, but the "connection". The money couldn't have hurt either I guess.

My counseller told me "No right or wrong answer, Deep, you want your marriage or your ego?". Still wasn't easy.

We had a very short talk but a good one. I think she's trying hard. I pick her from work most days, she spends all her time with me and the kids and I'm pretty sure they don't talk after office hours.

Just take it a step at a time for now I guess ...

Deep - there is no way for you to recover your marriage without intense counseling and for your W to be completely removed from the OM forever. Sorry, that's my two cents, and its coming from someone who has been there and done that, and is divorced...because me and my ex-h did it the way you and your W are doing it...literally just "winging it" and praying it will get better.

Sorry for being such a downer, but I am trying to poke you with a stick until you really hear me. Your marriage does NOT stand a chance without the above suggested changes. Wait and hope all you want, but you will end up in divorce court.

Sorry again.

DQ

Someone said to keep your friends close and your enemies closer. This is true in many cases. But when your enemy is a threat to your life then you better kill that enemy (figuratively speaking of course). Your enemy is trying to kill your marriage. He needs to be completely out of both of your lives. He has nothing to lose. Your wife doesn't want his wife to know, so he has nothing to lose. He can have both women with no consequences. With him in the picture you will never rebuild trust with your wife. She needs to re-assure you by removing all causes of pain that she created. If she isn't willing to do this then one must question her sincerity to re-build the marriage. Obviously this is a core issue for you, and it is understandable that you are uncomfortable with them working together. Look at it this way. If you were a recovering alcoholic would it be reasonable for you to work in a bar? And even if you did resist the temptation would it be wise to do so? Not if you were serious about staying sober. Your wife's situation is no different.

That's a great way to put it, Wolverine. I couldn't agree more.

Puppy

Ditto.

What bothers me isn't so much the work thing, as I agree with all the advice above but I kinda understand it's awkward and scary to bail on a good job when there's no possibility of transfer, etc. (Still not optimum, obviously, but I "get it".)

OTOH, you said something about her phone still being set to auto-delete for sent messages. Is this something you have discussed with her? Is it an oversight, or deliberate? Because it seems to me that changing that is something she could EASILY do to contribute to an atmosphere conducive to openess/rebuilding trust. If she is unwilling ... well, it's hard not to question her motives/committment. My impression from what you have written is that she is so immersed in fleeing her own guilt and pain that ameliorating *your* pain is of less importance to her.

That's not the best sign, IMHO, and you will have to decide how patient you are willing/able to be. A loving person, forgives, yes, but equally a loving person attempts to heal the damage they caused to the absolute best of their ability.

I agree with this. But at this point it has to be because she is ready to do it, I think. It can be strongly encouraged, but I don't think it can be "forced" as much as it could have been earlier.

No, you can't force another adult to do something. But a spouse may certainly say "Considering your recent behavior, these are the conditions under which I am willing to try and work at the marriage."

There is no force -- the choice is entirely hers.

Puppy

True enough. Of course, if one is going to set that boundary, one much be prepared to live with the consequences.

Absolutely. Otherwise it's not a "boundary," it's a "GeeIwishYouWould've".

Am I the only woman in this conversation? Cuz I have a different point of view. I see a marriage that was at the brink, but recovered through Retrouvaille, and a couple that continues to volunteer to help save other peoples' marriages, but also attends CORE which is for your own marriage. I see a woman who has asked forgiveness for her past mistakes, who recently had a very serious illness which must have made her take stock of her life, and is who now pregnant with a high risk pregnancy. And the only reason I hear for believing that she is having an affair is that she still has a business relationship with the man.

I think she made up her mind to be married to her husband. And I believe the affair is over. It can happen!

I also think that at this time, Deep needs to be supportive of her decision to have this baby. He should not be suspicious and divisive. There are many things that he could do to de-stabilize his marriage and bring him back to the brink of divorce. If that's what he wants to do, then by all means, accuse her of having an affair, demand a paternity test, and demand that she drop her important business client. But if he wants to stay married, then he should explain to her that he is suffering with trust issues, and ask her to re-assure him that she is not in love with any other man. And they should either go to a MC or back to Retrouvaille and work on strengthening the trust and forgiveness supports of their marriage.