Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers A Wife that has come back? Post Affair feelings ,,

Deep - I had an A while I was married with a co-worker. We did break it off, but we still worked together. I actually hated him at that point, he discusted me. However, I saw him everyday and it did not allow me and my husband to recover.

We tried to basically sweep it all under the rug, thinking our love for each other would trump the pain and the past.

This was absolutely incorrect. We needed serious marriage counseling and I needed to have quit my job immediately and gotten 100% away from the OM forever. Because we did not do those things, eventually I ended up cheating again much later down the road.

Whatever the original reasons and issues were that your W decided to cheat, those issues and reasons are still there, AND she is still in contact with her OM. Please consider serious marriage counseling if you want to recover your marriage. Without it there isn't that much chance. You two cannot do it all on your own. You need a third party to help you.

Oh how I wish someone would have slapped me upside the head and told me this when I was in your W's position...instead, now we are divorced.

DQ

Thanks for the replies!

Sara, V-H, I'm certainly considering having another weekend, together with another couple from our CORE who are also having infidelity issues. As it is, me and W go and help out at just about every retrouvaille weekend, at least during the registration.

DanceQueen, your post scares me. Sometimes, looking at my wife, I really feel her love, and yes I guess I'm thinking that after re-discovering each other, it is simply not worth the pain to confront her again and possibly undo the progress we've made. But that little voice inside keeps asking "Yes, but is this all really real?" God knows I've been fooled during the post-affair period. It does eat at me that I know there were lies then that we've not cleared up, that OM is still "there", that her phone still auto-deletes all sent messages.

How do I answer her when she says "Why do you focus on the pain we caused we each instead of moving on, and making me re-live what I did and rubbing my face in your pain. Isn't it enough that I tell you I love you and need you, regret what I did, and would never do it again? Don't trap me in what I want to leave in the past"?

GH, looking through your thread, we may have more in common. Here's a few of the twists in my tale (I mentioned I had some):

1) W attempted suicide before when I tried to force the issue. Yes, it's manipulative. But after one incident when an OD required ER and hospitalisation treatment, I have to ask if it's worth the risk.

2) Without the benefit of DB and DR, I did somethings right and many things wrong. My wife really only woke up when she realised I may actually walk. It's something that still disturbs me - endless "what ifs" haunt me.

What happened was that I confided in a friend and ex-subordinate that I had not talked to for 7 years. We had a great connection from way back and when a mutual friend put us in contact, we hooked up like the years did not matter. We were both fitness and kickboxing fans and took up where we left off. I started telling her everything. Without exagerrating, she kept me sane, took me off the booze I was hitting and was there for me 24/7 for 6 weeks. On week 6, SHE broke down and I discovered she had caught her H cheating in the 2nd week and kept her own pain down to deal with mine.

2 people with chemistry in our situation. Doesn't take a genius to work out what could happen right? Well it didn't in my view. Not even when in our online chat one day, she said "Deep, I want to have an affair". I actually took it that she was telling me her state of mind as a buddy and meant an A with someone else; advised her not to mess things up any more. Other women friends later told me I was about as dumb as they come. But a counseller I was seeing told me to cut off all contact if I wanted to keep my marriage. I did until one day she texted me 15 times between 12 - 6 am asking me why I was not there for her and that the pain was very bad. I simply could not just leave her like that and we hooked up again.

Things came to a crux when I flew outstation for a work trip and she also took the same trip, saying she had work there too. We spent the evening together (no sex) and the next day in the airport lounge she asked me to just say if I was doing the sane thing and leaving my wife (then still in love with OM) or to continue taking the pain. I told her my decision was to work on my marriage and that we would always be good friends.

One day, W went into my computer and cell and dug up messages from my friend. Went completely nuts. Accused me of hypocrisy, called her scum, made me open up all my emails and went on a rampage. And she refuses to take it as coincidence that my friend flew up to spend time with me. I may have gone closer than I should have, but I don't think I had anything close to the EA she accused me of. Haha, but the irony was that I was to cut off all contact with her.

W told me much later that it shook her that this could actually happen. I didn't go looking for it, but sometimes I do wonder what if it hadn't? W is keeping tabs on my communications with her.

3) W is pregnant. About 13 weeks now. She went for medical tests before that and had to remove some kidney stones and at first the gynae told us the baby will probably self terminate and if it didn't we should abort due to the amount of radiation she went through. W really wants this baby - to her, it's a re-affirmation of our love. Dealing with this has brought us very close. And despite the hormonal changes, W is working hard to show me she loves me.

This makes it even harder to even think of anything remotely confrontational. And I'm trying to silence that insidious little voice that's telling me "Deep, go for the paternity test ..."

Sorry for the long post.

So, he's deceitful, highly manipulative, and -- by definition -- a PREDATOR. And you're willing to gamble the future of your marriage on your wife being able to remain "just friends" and in contact with him??

It'll never work. The recidivism rate for infidelity is high enough, but without full "no contact" it's over 90%. It's only a matter of time.

Your wife will never begin to fully open herself back to you, emotionally, and you will never get the trust and healing YOU need without full no-contact and transparency. Considering your dalliance, you should offer mutual transparency.

Your wife already nearly burned down the house, and now you're letting her continue to play with matches.

Puppy

Oh, and I'm sorry to add, ABSOLUTELY get a paternity test.

Not so fast! That exchange, where she begs to drop the past, sounds very heartfelt to me. People can change. And, her belief that she nearly lost you to your friend could have changed her.

Since you are at 13 weeks with the pregnancy, I imagine that you both have decided not to terminate. This is a very difficult decision. My sister had a baby after cancer treatment, and they are both doing fine. But worrying about a paternity test at this time is an ugly distraction.

You both need to go back and deal with the forgiveness and trust sections of the post sessions. And, I know how difficult it is. My husband and I got hung up on the same issues. But what they say is true, without all for supports -- commitment, trust, forgiveness, and love, the "house" that is your marriage will cave in. You are telling us that you have trouble with trust. So you have to deal with it.

Hi PDT, thanks for your replies.

I know, I so know what you mean. If I really allow myself to think about it, it's absolutely one of the things that's messing up my mind, and I would go crazy if I dwell on their continued contact.

It's my fault for letting it get to this stage, but with that done, and the progress we've made, I don't really want to put it all on the line. I HAVE thought about it, and I'm starting to accept it will be inevitable. Maybe that's why I have this sense of detachment I guess. When it's a gamble, you have to be prepared to lose, and I am not going to through that hell again.

My rage at OM is simmering just under the surface as well, and I know I have to watch it. I'll probably be in major trouble if I had given in to my first impulses. I probably will talk to OMW at some point, probably before I confront him.

Yeah, the trust thing, as much as our new closeness feels so good, there is that bit of doubt. Lies and lack of transparency is making it hard to really embrace what we have 100% now. That's not fair to the kids.

As for me, and I hope I don't sound defensive, there's really nothing to hide. My friend was a great source of comfort and support, and that's as far as it went. I was very careful not to cross the obvious lines. Specifically, no kissing, touching, hand holding, and all meetings in busy public places. Yeah, we were both vulnerable and if it had gone on, maybe we would have been stupid. But no dalliance in any sense is my honest reply. I also always encouraged her to try and work things out, but she threw her H out within 3 days and their D went through not long after - she told me watching my pain was enough convincing she wanted out. And I told W EVERYTHING and gave full access to emails, texts, everything. I'm already transparent where that is concerned.

Crap, the paternity test thing was like just a random thought I had. Now it's eating at me ...

Its yours. dont think about it again.

I have an adopted child. He is my son. A paternity test will not set your mind at rest. It will only tell you if on the day she got pregnant, she had sex with you. It doesn't tell you about any other days. You need to have trust. If you don't trust her, then you need reassurance. So talk to her. Dialogue on the subject of trust. Here's one out of the book, "What do I see as the greatest obstacle to trust in our relationship? How do I feel about my answer?" Or you can frame your own question. But not dealing with problems does not make them go away.

What??? I've never heard of this. DNA testing is near-100% reliable now.



I'm sorry, Sara, but his wife has done nothing to be trustWORTHY yet. She needs to build that back up with him, and I don't see any reason why Deep shouldn't protect himself legally. Worst case, he puts his mind at ease.

Puppy

I'm sorry for this. You are a bigger man than I. I couldn't hear this from my wife's mouth and want to be with her. I don't know how you get past that. There are books out there I suppose. What would be hardest to get past is the fact that she basically chose to stay with you because it sounds like he didn't want to break up his marriage and wanted to protect it.

Things I do know:
1) A great deal of getting past this (if you choose to) is up to you. She can't be 100% responsible for making you feel better about things. She sounds like she's making some effort though. I've heard that in these cases that you do need to talk it through, but you can't do it all the time. I've seen the suggestion that you set aside one hour once a week and that's all the time you get to ask questions or work through the affair details. You have to hold in all questions until that time. Next time around it's two weeks. Or something like that.

2) The only contact those two should ever have is in the course of business...that means there shouldn't be occasions where there is contact, even on the phone, during non-working hours. Is that the case?

3) She's probably right that unless you commit to trusting her, you probably won't fully develop the relationship. Of course, she also needs to be committed to fostering trust. If she's holding it out as solely your problem then she's wrong. Trust requires trustworthiness. I'd say she hasn't necessarily earned it. She throws up all these walls and excuses why it isn't possible not to deal with OM, but are those just excuses to keep the option open, or reality?

4) Wish I could be more helpful. The thought of my wife getting horny from someone else and using me to act out the fantasy makes me sick. I applaud you staying with her despite all this...I don't know that I could.