Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers totally messed things up!!

The reason I answered with that one simple word was b/c I was hoping to get your attention. "I" could have been like your W. It is a decision, a WW makes. Oh, yeah, I can call it MLC or a breakdown or whatever label I may choose to call it.....but the bottom line is "I chose to do what I did"!

Do you know that I wanted to leave my H who I had lived with many years......to move out to my own place so I could basically screw around? Now how's that for being plain? That is how bad my mind got. I'm not kidding you one bit and if only you knew how embarrassing it was for me to admit this trash.....then you would probably appreciate it more. I only tell you b/c I want to help inform you, if possible. I want you to understand a little better in order to prepare yourself for the truth of what may happen to your W, if she doesn't make a decision to turn around before it's too late.

I was in a very bad emotional place in my MR and had been for a long time. I never thought it possible that "I" would ever be tempted to flirt with another man. But in my careless attempts to fill in my times of "boredom".....I got into flirting with OM over the Internet. Trying to cut things down and make short here. I went crazy! I had been M at 18 and had never been with any other man before or since my H. Here I was flirting and carrying on like a stupid teenage girl. I had no attraction for my H whatsoever. And, futhermore, I had no respect for him--or I would not have done what I did right under his nose in his own house! When a W has an A, she doesn't respect her H at the time she does it. However, it is possible for her to gain "new" respect for him, but he must earn that from her.....she won't give it unless he earns it.

But all of my respect for my M and my H went right out the door. When he discovered my computer activity and confronted me, mad as a hornet.....I would not say a word. But, I PLANNED MY ESCAPE! Oh yes. I skimmed and planned how I could find my own apartment and have my own Internet/compter and play all I wanted to--as long as I wanted--with all the privacy in the world! No kids interupting me, no H to worry about.....none of that stuff. Are you sick to your stomach, yet? Well, it gets worse. But, I will spare you all the dirty details and just let you know that I never moved out but it was simply b/c I could not afford to support myself.

I might add that my H told me if I moved out there would be "no coming back" and that he "would not be friends with me". Well, that totally shocked me! I don't know why, but I just didn't preceive the idea of him never having "anything" to say to me again. He was very firm in his stand. I knew he meant every word. But still, I planned.

He gathered his proof of my computer activity and then he confronted me and made me delete all my male contacts on the computer. However, there was one that didn't delete and then I threw myself into an EA with that OM. I didn't even care about him, but it was the frame of mind I was in. I don't understand it, and I don't know how to explain it to you. But I know I chose to do what I did. I "wanted" to be in love with that man I didn't even know. I tried to convince myself that I loved him. I had a fantasy that was larger than New York City!

Anyway, I was trying to make this shorter and it's hard. But, I found an E-book called womens infidelity, and it told me everything I was going through, and futhermore, it told me what I could expect in the future--if I continued down that path. It scared the mess out of me. It was enough that I sought out more advise here on this board and stuck with it until I could break off with the OM and end the EA.

It basically told about what your W is headed for.......a downward spiral toward a life of sleeping with one man after the other. She will have a PA thinking that will bring her happiness and fulfillment. When that A fails, then she'll find another man and have another A. Then it will go from man to man until her emotional capasity is completely empty. You see, so much of a woman's soul is involved when she ML and she gives of herself in a way that is different than men. (I have heard doctors and theologians teach it, but I'm not equipped to explain it.) After she goes from man to man......it's like her soul/emotions are bankrupt and she can't feel anything. It's tragic. She is not capable of feeling sexual fulfillment or love like she did before she started that lifestyle. She's basically ruined herself.

That is why I anwered your post like I did. If your W is sexually addicted......she has some very serious problems and I don't think your love alone will hold her in the M. Wow, that's hard stuff to hear, isn't it? She needs help with her addiction problem just like any drug user would need. Please don't rely upon your own methods or even the DB techniques alone. I love DB and think it is wonderful for saving M's. However, there is an extreme problem here that needs more help. Yes, apply the DB principles, but if she won't try to get into therapy or get counseling from her Pastor/Priest.....some Professional on a regular basis.....then I can't honestly say that there is a lot of promise. I don't mean to bring you down, but I'm being "brutally" honest with you and I think that is what you would want me to do. I hope so, anyway.

Continue to receive support here, but remember that she is not a typical WAW. Her problems are "worse".

Sandi

I will say there is hope if this is her first and only A. But if there have been others, she's in serious trouble.

I needed to add something else. B/c of her strong resentment, lack of attraction, and disrespect toward you......she will not listen to what you have to say trying to encourage her to seek professional therapy. Is there a parent, close sibling, a good strong friend that could talk to her and try to reach her and get her to seek help? These friends, relatives, etc. can absolutely NOT agree with her lifestyle. Many times WW find new friends that support them and don't listen to any of their former friends or their family.

I am so sorry b/c I know this is killing you. I know you want to force her to do something, but the reality is that you can't make her do anything she doesn't willing choose to do. Even if you could "make" her go for help....if her heart is not in it....she can't be helped.

As I said, apply the DB rules and become as mentally strong and attractive as a man can possibly be. Improve anything that "you" don't like about yourself. That is for "your" self esteem......not to try to please her. Your self respect is very important while going through this ordeal. Do not allow her to step on you what-so-ever. She must respect you or she'll never love you.

If you have any questions for me, I'll do my best to answer them. If you want to download that E-book, you can type in womens infedelity and get the information. It would be worth it.

Take care,
Sandi

Sandi2,
I greatly appreciate your time and information.I know it is going to be a rough road ahead.I also know there are no guarantees.I have to ask you something.You said you read that e-book and it opened your eyes.In your case you were the WAW.Wouldn't it make more sense for my w to read it?Also in the state she is in what would want to make her read it?

Sandi2,
Also you mentioned about having someone close speak to her.If you had had someone in your family speak to you wouldn't you had thought your husband had something to do with it.Wouldn't that have made you more angry towards your husband?It almost sounds like an intervention.If you hadn't read that book do you think you would have continued to spiral downhill?

If she is anything like my WAW, there is no way she would waste her time reading a book right now, especially something that would "be totally unlike my sitch". I got her to go to one MC session, the counselor said everything she knew she would say, and now it is a waste of time to continue going. There is not much that you can do yourself ES, she has to see it herself, maybe leave the E-Book somewhere for her to "find it". Correct me if I am wrong here please Sandi.

Oh, absolutely, "if" your W is willing to receive what it has to say. I don't know how to explain this very well. I was in an EA. I knew it was wrong and that I needed to stay in my M b/c it was "the right thing to do". "Doing the right thing", however, doesn't promise the feelings that you want to support it. But, what I'm trying to say is that I had reached a point where I was "seeking" direction. Unless your W is seeking direction in her life, I don't think she would be receptive of any book or any other material on M. Frankly, I don't think she's seeking any direction b/c she wants the dating scene. She wants to be single.

I pray I have her wrong and this is something that she will end and realize she had a special man at home, but so often when they leave their H's with the "intentions of dating"......that is just a nice word for wanting to sleep around and experience the "single" life. She sounds like she wants to cut all ropes from you and I think that if you went dark on her and left her at her demise in this PA........then maybe she would learn the hard way that the A was not what she wanted. I'm just trying to be realistic with you and go by my gut here.

There is something you must absolutely stop right now. And that is sending her emails and turning right around and apologizing. That makes you appear to be a weak person and she will not be attracted to that at all. You have to be strong and stick to your principles and don't cave when you see her or hear her voice. If you have to have another person to be the go-between in trasporting the chidren between the homes in order not to come in contact with her......whatever works. But I think she needs to miss you and she won't do that if you are on the phone, TM, emails, etc. Go dark and leave her alone. It will help you also. If she starts missing you, than maybe you'll find out if that throws a money wrench into this A or not.

What about you? Would you be able to forgive her for this A?

The main thing to look for is how does she respect you as a man? How do you feel about your self? That is what she'll see and respond to.

Later,
Sandi

Sandi, can you look at my thread, it fell to page 2, i had a question that I had asked you. Thanks. Newbie with WAW 2

Sandi2,
Once again I thank youfor your insight into this.I am working on going dark.No more phone calls,etc.I pretty much told her that I wasn't signing any papers and if she wants to live apart ,fine.That was a couple days ago.A divorce or legal sep.would financially hurt her.I myself am doing fine even with all this happening.Meaning i'm still healthy ,in shape,and not doing anything unhealthy.Would a relative or friend speaking to her still be advisable?

What would this friend or relative say to her?
ARe you trying to get them to speak to her to show her that she's wrong with what she's doing? She's in love with her opinions & idea's, getting other people to tell her what she's doing isn't right will make her rebel even more.

Remember going dark/no contact means exactly that.
Let go of the rob, detach, stop contacting her in all forms.
ES you keep asking similar questions about contacting her & speaking to her and we're telling you straight, stop it. It's ok if she contacts you but always keep the conversations short and be the first to end the conversations. But do not contact her: no more texts, emails, phone calls and stop finding excuses to contact her (her mail came in, etc.)

]quote]she will not listen to what you have to say trying to encourage her to seek professional therapy. Is there a parent, close sibling, a good strong friend that could talk to her and try to reach her and get her to seek help?[/quote]

I thought I read where she had had more than one A since the M. I must be be confusing your thread with another one. I aplogize if that is the case. I immediately thought about that book I had read and was afraid your W may be a "serial cheater".

I should have known better than to even make a suggestion like that! That is the one thing that LBH's sees out of everything else in a post......and he jumps on it. More than one jumps on it (lol). Maybe they think it is a loophole to do what they've been wanting to do and I'm giving them the "go ahead", or something. As if saying, "Oh, Sandi is saying I can get somebody to talk to her about coming back to the M". No, that wasn't what I meant. I shouldn't have tried to explain it when I don't do a better job.....sorry.

I can't tell you word for word what another person would say to her. That would be up to them. They would "know" her and how to talk to her.....but I don't know her. I was not saying that another person should talk to her about going back to her H & work on her M. I want that understood. Nobody wants another person to talk to them about their lifestyle they are living and come in and start preaching to them. So that is why it would have to be a person who had tremendous influence with her and they would need to approach her about their concern for her "emotional" well being....not the M.

What I was refering to was if she begans to show signs of moving from one R to another and looking for those R's to bring her happiness. If that happens, then red flags need to be waving big time. I was saying that if she has a parent or a long-time friend or Pastor who sees her emotional state become more erratic and unusual from what is normal for her, and if she gets out of this A and straight into another.....that is when she is showing the signs of a woman like the one in the book I mention. I was saying that "I" was in a frame of "sick" mind that I "could" have gotten to that level if I had had my own private place to live. I shudder to think how I could have wrecked my life. So, when I see a woman who has had more than one A, it just waves a flag to me.

Right now, she can't see anything except her new R with OM. She is drugged out on those false "in-love" chemicals flooding her brain. So, I doubt that ANYONE could reach her at this stage. In fact, the more people who try to talk to her....now....will just make her resolve to rebel more and turn her friends and family away. This is a fragile situation and right now is not the right time to discuss. So, I strongly advise you not to try to get anyone to talk to her!

I guess I'm still not making this very plain. Again, if I misunderstood and thought she had had more than one A, I apologize.

Hope I did not confuse anyone on that issue. Wished I hadn't even brought it up!

Sandi