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It was posted after one of my posts, so I wondered if she meant me. Now, I know I have had a hand in this M problem, but I did my 180s and what not. In fact, according to some here who see the reality of my situation, I have been too accomidating . I don't think I am being a jerk. She has been talking to me like a child as a matter of fact. I take full responsibility for my part in my M mess, but I also take pride in my NOT letting this deteriorate into petty fighting.

Hi all...pretty new to this, but this post caught my attention. I have been considering divorce for the last 2 years but am actively fighting it because I have two young children (7 and 3). Husband has not been physically abusive in our 10 years of M (except for one shoving incident nearly a year ago that he was very regretful about and has not repeated), but he is verbally abusive on a regular basis. The pattern is something will set him off (me, work, a commercial on TV, etc.) and I get a tirade directed at me, complete with obscenities, name-calling, finger-in-my-face, and much yelling. I am not a yeller and have tried all the "defusing" techniques (and alternate approaches to communication---I'm a therapist)...no success. My mind wanders to divorce more recently because I don't want my kids to grow up with this as a model for a relationship (aside from the fact that I'm so desperately miserable when he's around.) I have been to counseling for myself; he refuses to go. On my own, I think I'm a pretty level-headed, content person. When I'm with him, it's walking on eggshells and my stomach is in knots.

I know this is a website about saving your marriage at all costs. Are there any conditions when that may not be the best thing to do?

Not sure if this was the best place to post...sorry if not. The whole site is a bit overwhelming for a newbie.

Thanks.

We are having a problem with our youngest son. He is s ares when he goes go bed at night. We have to act as a team to fix this with S3. It is very difficult for me. In addition, we had water damage to a rug downstairs due to a water leak. We got estimates and picked out carpeting to replace it. She was asking what colors I thought would look good, etc. All I could think about was what does it matter? Are we going to be in this house much longer? Is one of us going to be here? She is finally pulling the pin. She has told her sister finally what is going on. I thoght if she started telling her family, I would have allies in this fight. So far her sister's reaction is "well, that's surprising." that's it. No you must be crazy, or why not think twice.
Sometimes I just want to give up.

Well, we spoke again last night. It was bad. She had gotten back from IC, and said that they decided that W should speak to my IC totell him to stop givinge false hope, that W has no past issues. I told her I don't hold any false hope, I am just committed to our M and want to exhaust every possible means of fixing it. I asked who on her side knows so far, and she told me her sister and close girlfriend. I asked what they were telling her, and she said they were supporting her, that if she is unhappy, she should end the M. So I am working against her family and her IC. Next I asked her what she sees the future as. She said she could go on like we are for the kids. I told her I couldn't. Then we talked about how to separate. There is no money or equity in the house, so we couldn't come up with a plan yet. Then she brought up the kids and it got ugly. She said lids should ne with their mother, and should stay I'm the house. I agreed that they should stay in the house, but kids also need their father, and I wasn't the one who wanted out of the M, so I wasn't leaving the house anyway.
It went downhill from there.
So I woke up very depressed this morning, and now I have to go to work and pretend nothings happening.
God, give me strength.

Any advice on making the last resort technic work? How can I implement this while living with her? Are there any success stories of the LRT here?
I am sorry, I am hurting bad here and I just need some encouragement. I might have said some wrong things last night during our discussion. One thing I did NOT do was give in on my living in the house, and my kids.
Any help would be greatly appreciated.

Leslie,

Welcome to DB. I for one am glad to see a potential WAW doing a little research before just "running" and pulling the plug. It shows a lot of strength. Remember their is always hope if both parties are willing to do the work. Sounds like you are more willing at this point. What all have you said to your H in regard to wanting a D? Like most potential LBS he probably does not believe you or is not taking your threats serious enough. Especially how he doesnt think or want to go to counseling.

In order to get a better pic of your sitch it would help to get more info. Was he always like this? If not what changed? Kids? Job? What do you do when he starts yelling and getting in your face? You are right this is not acceptable and needs to be dealt with, but D is not necessarily the only choice.

There are a lot of helpful members on this board that can offer advice.

Keep the faith.

PMA

Bump for advice...

O - There are plenty of success stories w LRT while living in same house.

The trick is to be nice and mysterious. When you are around her just treat her like a roomate. Friendly, small chit chat. Nothing heavy. If she says something mean just play it off. Just tell her that you are working on the future not the past. Dont stay at home a lot. Go out with friends, go the zoo, museum, take up new hobbies, that is way GAL is so crucial. She will wonder why you are in a good mood and are always out running around. Hopefully, at some point she will want to be part of that. It takes a lot of patience and consistency though.

PMA

But, it appears that he may be in my position too. Young kids at home, and if the WAW is leaving all the time, someone needs to be responsible in the home.

She's lying. Ask your IC to call hers; no respectable C is going to ask their patient to call their husband's IC and tell him how to treat his patient!!!

You also need to talk to her family, and tell them the TRUTH about what's been going on, if you haven't already done so.

I'd be willing to bet $1,000 she's been lying to BOTH.

Puppy