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Kara,
I can see parts of what I want in the options you outlined. I guess I know what I want at this point and bc I can't have it I begin to second guess my decisions and how to go about continuing on. You sound strong and clear in your post and break it down logically, I think I needed to see this.

I think I am struggling bc when this all started and H moved out 5 months ago(I cant believe its been that long!) the goal in my mind was that I wanted H to commit to trying with our M by July. The time has come and will now go. I feel the pressure of my hope. And I feel the pressure of everyone else wanting me to 'feel better' and ease my pain by moving on. They dont understand why I am committed to my actions but I have to try and stay strong and true to myself. How much is it worth to me? A lot. I think when/if the time comes I will know when it is right (as you said). But in the long run 5 months is not as long as it seems, not compared to life (right?) and I know others have fought for much longer. I pray every day for strength and patience and guidance among other things. I have gotten so much better at these but still struggle often.

One thing I know for sure is that I am not ready to go out and file for D myself. There must be reasons he doesnt want to either eventho he lives in the land of confusion. Including some of the reasons you listed(i can see them fitting). If he does, then I will deal with it, its out of my control if he chooses that. I'm sure I can handle it, even if I dont like it.

I so wish this could happen. I'd even gladly deliver it

I think you are right in that the NC does spark interest, as has happened this week. I guess my worry is how to play this out. He's interested and wants to meet, I want to but it seems to begin this cycle all over again. Maybe there is more happening that I can't see right now. Possibly the talks and time we spend together are moving us closer? Possibly not, I guess time will tell.

Well its hard to tell sometimes bc it feels so weak. Right now it says dont file, work on building R and growing in the time we do spend together. But as soon as I've said that I second guess myself and think am I being a fool? My fear is getting in the way.

Thank you for taking the time in posting back to me it really helps me to think things thru and see other points.

I've left it all day yesterday and all day today and not responded (maybe am leaving it too long?) Just trying to think what I actually want to say. I decided its best to keep it short so was thinking just saying, 'I am good thanks, sure we can meet if it helps, tomorrow is 2 short of notice maybe thurs? hope your well.'

Reading that back I feel I sound so unenthusiastic about seeing him. Maybe I am over thinking it.

Hi Hopeful

I can identify with a lot of what you have said.

Setting deadlines puts you under tremendous pressure because then you begin to measure everything by time and not by progress made. Just today I was saying that it has been x months and intially I had this date in my head by which I hoped things would be resolved OR ELSE. But then I realized that there was lots of progress in my sitch compared to where it was a few months ago. While deadlines are useful for goals, in cases like these, you must pay great attention to progress and growth not only magical dates. How have you grown? How is your sitch different? Even an incremental difference is a difference that is measurable.

The pressure of others wanting you to feel better can also be great. If you let it. They want the best for you but you also have to focus inward. Take what they say out of the equation. What do you want? What can you tolerate? What are you equipped to handle? Break it down into manageable parts. Most days I am chipper but on the days that I can't be as friendly as I should be to H I am just quiet. I don't put any pressure on myself to be "up". This is WORK in a sense and it can tire you out so you have to recharge your batteries. Be as kind to yourself as you would be to your H (or a friend). That is why time is a gift and not a curse. Clarity does come with time.

While people WANT you to feel better, this is a traumatic experience. We are NOT victims but we are human and must allow ourselves time to work through feelings (not wallow but work through). People are unrealistic when they think that you should be over something by x date. It doesn't work that way. If you short circuit the process, the pain or feelings will surface at a later date.

If you sounded unethusiastic, well so be it. Sometimes we feel unenthusiatic. As I said, you can't be constantly "up". Is this bad DB? LOL.

You said that your fear is getting in the way. Shine the light on your fear. What is the worst that can happen? Will you still be alive and capable of moving on and living life? Yes you will. When you confront fear it will shrink. Don't run from it. ( I am sounding new agey again!!).As I said earlier, pick fear to pieces and then you can deal with it.

I think that you are doing well, sweetie. You are young and away from your family and you are getting through this:). You want to give it more time. Give it more time. Is there an expiry date on this? While you give it more time live,laugh and love. Don't put your life on hold. Don't keep your eyes on your sitch 24/7 because you will second guess everything. Turn on some music and dance. Paint your nails green. Whatever. It is YOUR life and make sure that you live it well.

O.K. I have wriiten a book, now.

AWESOME!!!!!! YOU GO HOPEFUL!!!!!!!

Thanks for the support guys, I will think about those comments tonight and let it sink in.

Today while at work I got a call from H's mom, I decided not to answer as I was in an open plan office with lots of people(and very busy). She often gets my mobile mixed up with H's and used to call me all the time thinking its him, so I thought if she really did want to get thru to me she'd leave a msg and I'd call back after work. She hasn't talked to me since April which I thought a bit weird bc at first she called me weekly from Feb-April. Anyway maybe it was just another mix up, but I'm not too sure all what to say to her if she does call? She's knows about the situation with us but I dont know how much of the truth she knows as H has a warped way of explaining what is going on btw us to others which I dont equate with the truth. I guess if she asks I'll be honest since I wont lie for him. I dont think she knows about the OW friendship and whatever else it may be, could be a sticky situation, not knowing how much to say.

I text H tonight, similar to what I posted yesterday. Haven't heard anything back. Hope all is ok with him, am a bit worried since the call from his mom came thru. I waited 3 days to respond so maybe he is just doing the same.

I've had a super busy week, really busy at work and drained after. Have been doing some trip planning with a friend, looking into if its possible money wise to do some traveling next year, so was busy tonight and Monday. Also been to the gym those same 2 days so getting back on track with that.

I booked a ticket last night to fly home for a visit in Aug to see my family for 2 weeks! Yey! Im so excited about that and am looking forward to it. My sister is having a baby then too so will be good family time and a good break from work. I was proud of my decisiveness. Being more decisive is one of my current goals for myself. Thinking back over it last night I actually have been doing a lot of this and am getting much better!

This is something I read that I've put in my journal to help me.

Indecision wastes a lot of time, and time is too precious to waste. Become a decisive person and you will accomplish a lot more with less effort. Learn from your mistakes, correct the ones you can and continue being decisive. If you belive it is right, then do it. That is how you will find out for sure. The fear of failure keeps thousands trapped in indecision, which definitely steals joy and complicates life. Don't be afraid to make a decision and follow it through.

I'm in shock, I've just got a text from the OW saying 'hi i know i am the last person you want to hear from but but H wanted me to let you know what's going on. he's absolutely fine now but got taken to hospital today and he had severe headaches and other syptoms and they were worried. more precaution than anything, he's had a CT scan that showed nothing and they are keeping him in over night to check he's ok. His phones dead so he couldnt let you know but he is ok and hopefully out tomorrow. if i have ANY other info ill let you know u know straight away. i hope your ok.'

I cant believe nobody called me to tell me about this! and I got a text from her of all people! I am worried and livid and dont know how to handle this! Do I go, do I stay??

I text back saying thanks for letting me know, im shocked nobody called me, what hospital is he in? but nothing back yet.

What do I do?? I cant believe nobody called me, Im sure Im his emergency contact still. Im freaking out

Just a quick update and journaling...

I did finally get in touch with H, he kept telling me not to worry and not to come down. Eventually I did go anyway. She was there when I arrived but stood up looking at the floor and left when she saw me. I did not say a word to her. I got updated on all the tests and things. H kept saying he was really glad I was there, and hugged me a lot and held onto my hand and talked. He said he didnt want me to come at first bc he knew how worried Id been when I saw him in the hospital gown with all the needles and stuff on him and he didnt want to worry me. Lots of other stuff in between going on too and heard other stuff from the Dr that I am devastated about. But the good news is they cleared most everything last night and let him go home.

He wouldnt let me take him home or stay with him, he insisted on going himself. He would not come stay with me either and as of now will not let me visit him at home even. I have asked for his address, I dont have it since he moved again and never been to the house. He was worried about giving it to me, but I just said its not like Im going to come knocking your door down, it just eases my mind to not worry so much that I have it just in case anything were to happen. He agreed to text/email it after we talked on the phone, but as of now hasn't.

He was pretty open about some of his feeling when we were at the hospital and I said we really need to talk more and that we dont now. He said he emails/texts etc but I dont get back to him for days so he assumes I dont want to talk to him either.

When I left he hugged me again and said I love you, so I said it back, he hasnt said that since Feb. He said he was really glad I was there and that I came. I get the feeling he wants me there but cant tell Her to leave and is worried about her feelings. Which makes me angry. I am so angry about so many things that happened thru out this incident and the things I found out but I am so worried and upset I cant be angry. He kept saying he is not trying to cut me out of his life at all and thats not the case, he just doesnt know what to do or how to handle everything.

I have felt so anxious and sick and upset, I took the day off work, just couldnt deal with seeing patients with my head a mess.

I talked to H before bed last night, and we agreed I'd call or he'd call this morning. I called at lunch time and left a voice message since he didnt answer. I am hoping he is just sleeping.

I want to be there so bad for him but he just isnt letting me. I dont know if I should insist and help him out or keep calling or not. He keeps saying he is fine, not to worry about him, he is feeling much better and that he doesnt want a fuss. But I know he was so upset and scared and must be so shaken up from it all.

I'm glad H is doing well and was sent home. I see some real positives here for you, and I'd just caution you to take it very, very slow so you don't push him away. It's good you called him today. But give him some time/space now to respond. You did get a clear message that he'd like a quicker response to his messages, otherwise he doesn't think you don't want to talk.

Maybe this is the time to be a true friend... work on the friendship and build from there. If he doesn't know what to do and he has some confusion and unresolved feelings to sort through - well, you can be the friendly S that just listens, validates and offers suggestions if/when he wants it. I'd re-read DR sections that apply to this as well.

Thanks for that, I think those are good points. Regardless of how angry I am about anything else, that is completely on the back burner, I just want to focus on what I can do/or maybe what I shouldnt do/push, that will help in him getting well again.

I have left the msg today and I wont be visiting since he doesnt want me to/wont let me, so my 'plan' is to just wait for him to get back in touch, I'm pretty sure he will before the end of the day bc he told me he would yesterday. He has assured me that if anything happened he has told everyone around him to make sure to call me right away so I know what is going on, even told OW directly.(she must of loved that ) That is such a mess! but I cant really focus on that part right now.

I want to be the friend that he needs right now, I want to listen, validate and generally reassure him, if only he would talk to me and let me.

Thanks for the tip, I will do some re-reading, it will keep my mind busy. I almost wonder if I would of been better at work today, now I have all this time to think. its driving me crazy.

Gosh, this whole week seems surreal to me. Hearing one min H was rushed to hospital w possible life threatening health problem, to finding out he is ok. As if my emotions weren't being screwed with enough as it was.

H called me this afternoon, we had a nice short talk, with him telling me how he is doing and stuff. He offered to call me later before bed time.

He just texted me (instead of calling) keeping in touch about how he is and saying not to worry and that he would call me tomorrow. I text him back saying how well I think he has handled this scary situation and that I appreciate the communication and keeping in touch and that I know he will be ok.

The scariness of it all is still hitting me, I feel like all my DB stuff/'techniques' have gone out the window as I am completely blown away by what happened and just reacted best I could to get through. Its still sinking in. Life can really throw you for a loop sometimes huh?