Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Fog is lifting for my german wife

Hi pd, good for you. I think that we should all try to be as gracious as you have been in your sitch. I think that its part of the growth that we go through. Learning that we cant reason with people, or make their decisions for them. And that we deserve so much better.

Im sure that Ive told you already, but I also think that what you have shown your kids is great. That you fought for your marriage, but in the end you are doing what needs to be done for your family. How are your kids doing with everything?

I just started by on post, but I have been following your story all along and am sorry to see how things are working out for you and your kids. You should feel so proud to say that you have done everything within your power to make things work. I'm not sure where things will end up in my sitch, but I hope to show the same emotional control and stability. I think of you often when I am dealing with "stuff" and try to think how you would handle it. Keep us posted and if you have a chance, stop by post and let me know what you think. I value your opinion.

Thanks BR, KK and cp,

I only drop by here infrequently now. When I started trolling here, I was desperate, as I am sure many are, and I was looking for answers and commiseration. What I found was a community of people who were all going through the same thing that I was, and they were full of good advice and thoughtful insights. Over time, I really felt like I belonged here (and I still do!) and I gave back to the community as best I could. All the while, my attitude about my sitch was in flux: some days up, and some down, but always in motion.

I decided recently (after much soul-searching, prayer, tears, anger, and pain) that I do not want to be married to my W any more. Given the totality of what she has said and done, and acting out of the need to protect my kids and our future from her lifestyle and behavior, I am going to be filing for the divorce that is probably overdue in coming.

I really did hang in there. I don't think that anyone can realistically say that I didn't try to keep my marriage intact. I am not deluded: I know that some people put up with this for YEARS to attempt to win their spouse back. I have only been fighting since last Summer, and only REALLY trying to DB since about October. When I finally walled that crying, clingy, mopey internal child of mine into a place where I couldn't hear him anymore, I realized that my kids and I are better off without her and the pain that she was causing.

Because I am no longer DBing (or even seeking to preserve a relationship with my W), I feel a little awkward being here. Most people here are frantically trying to their marriages and keep their families together, as I was once upon a time. Now, I am the executioner and leading mine to the gallows. It makes me sad: it is a big change in me. I would never have thought it possible only a few short months ago that I would feel this way now.

Hrrm, I suppose I should update my sitch:

I had a conversation with the W on Monday. She was still talking like she wanted to come home. I told her, "whoa whoa! Coming 'home' isn't for you alone to decide any more!" She was miffed, as expected. She said that the only alternative she could see was for her to kill herself. I said that she was blind to one alternative; ask if she could come. I said that it would require that she come clean to me about everything; become transparent. She said that I would never let her live her sins down. I said that I could forgive anything but continued lying. That was pretty much the end of that conversation.

Tuesday, she calls and was in a fighting mood. She was back to her persona that had walked out on me and the kids in November: the break-up was MY fault, she was justified for all the years that I had mistreated her, she hadn't loved me for years, her BF was just a friend, nothing happened all those years ago, etc. etc. I had prepared to forgive and accept, but she blew that plan to the four winds. I told her that I was done and that I would be filing because I couldn't take her lies any more. She hung up on me.

I think she is trying to return to the United States and will probably be doing it very soon. I'm sure she is getting some legal council from somewhere. She doesn't want to lose custody of our kids, and I believe that she thinks she has a better shot at being in a driving spot if she is here when the D is filed than if she is in Germany.

Good luck PD. If you need to keep posting, by all means, do it. But if you dont need us anymore, good luck. *sniff sniff* During the process things can get tough, if you need to blow off some steam, you know where to do it!

I like to think that we learn things on here that will make us more successful in future relationships and our next M!

You really did hang in there long enough. And even though divorce should be the last option, I really think you and the kids are going to come out of this ok.

Didn't you say she gave up her USA citizenship to become a German citizen again?

Have you retained a lawyer?

I sure hope she is not going to try to battle you over custody. That could get real ugly. And it is a losing battle in the end for her. She is entitled to her share of the division of assets and retirement. Dont be surprised that she is able to get substantial spousal support as you have been married a good long time. I was able to negotiate a buy out of spousal support included in the division of assets of which I refinanced my house to pay the whole thing off.

KK: I retained a lawyer and I have a meeting scheduled for Monday to get the paperwork started. The L thinks that things look pretty good for me right now considering the length of separation, amount paid, and the fact that we have verbally agreed to terms of the divorce already. Of course, she is free to change her mind, in which case she can flex her legal muscle and this will "get ugly" quickly. The L says that the best thing to do is get the filing done as quickly as possible and says she can have the whole thing at the courthouse by Wednesday.

BR: Thanks for the vote of confidence. I definitely won't troll or post as much as I used to, but I do plan to lurk and chime in with quips on friends' threads and to update my tragic tale from time-to-time

KK:
She did get her German citizenship back and normally that requires giving up any other citizenship that you have, so I am not sure what her legal status is actually. She has lied to me so many times and so consistently that I don't even know if she is an American citizen any more, how sad is that?

We have had a verbal agreement about our divorce right from the beginning: I get custody, she gets 4 weeks visitation a year, she leaves my assets alone, she gets ~$20k from the sell of our house, I will be awarded child support, but won't collect it, she won't pursue spousal support.

A pretty sweet deal for me and the kids, but as I mentioned and you pointed out, she could change her mind once she has the papers in hand.

I hate to tell you this, but once she gets the petition, it will say that she has 30 days to file a response. She will most likely need the assistance of a lawyer and it is very likely that the lawyer will convince her that she deserves much more.

Yes, I am aware of that. In fact, it gets worse (for me). My spies report that she is coming back to the US around the middle of August (After I have filed) and she will be staying at a temporary-stay apartment. I'm not sure who (if anyone) will be coming with her, but it might be useful to find out if she will be traveling along with with a special friend.

I can only surmise that she is coming here to fight and that she will be asking for joint custody, spousal support, child support: basically everything that she claimed that she didn't want before. Time to dig the heels in

Do your kids want to live with her? Is Oregon a fault state?