Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Over the Shock and GALing 6

Just read a piece in Orangedog's thread that I liked:



Thanks OD - great thought and right now I couldn't agree more (or be more in danger of falling into the trap).

Welcome back, we missed you! Good thing you didn't under do the anniversary. I think that was very nice to get elegant chocolates and a thoughtful card from her. It shows she is not made of stone. Good luck with the reunion coming up! Remember, be at least as nice to her as you would be to a stranger. More is OK, less is not.

Hi Thinker! Glad you had a good time with your boys. Yes, distance really does wonders! I hope you got a hint of what it would be like for you if you really drop the rope on your W. And....I hope she sees where she is selfish and wants everything "her" way....but I doubts she will. Oh well.....

Hope you have a good week.

Sandi

Wow, she's back for 12 hours and my detachment evaporated...

...actually, it's not really gone. I can still see it and can find it when I look for it, but I was surprised at how much having her lying in bed next to me last night (so close but yet so far) really affected me.

Thanks for your support Sandi. I am struggling a bit with the distinction between dropping the rope (and completely detaching myself) and still staying a emotionally open enough to allow things to restart if possible.

Accidental duplicate post - deleted.

Hi All,

I am looking for examples / recommendations / ideas for how to best share finances (in a health way) in a single income family.

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My Sitch:
I am the primary wage earner in our family - I have a high-paying job/career and earn 97% of our families income. My W is primarily a SAHM, and has a part time job that is allowing her to get back into her field and is great for her, but which pays only a very small amount. When we got married, I converted my bank account and credit card to joint accounts, and for the past 11 years we have lived on a shared pool of money. Due to the fact that she had more free time, ran the household, and is (honestly) better at remembering to do things on a regular basis, She took over full responsibility for getting the bills paid, tracking balances, etc. I was happy to let her do this - and in fact kind of expected it as this was the arrangement my parents had - my Dad earned the money and my Mom managed it.

Unfortunately, I think this is not a healthy arrangement for us. Although I don't like managing budgets, etc., I also don't like the lack of control I had. My W is not at all irresponsible, but we definitely have differing priorities and views on how to spend and save money. I resented her spending and she resented my control. It resulted in a lot of tension and resentment on both of our parts.

In addition, I feel it has also resulted in a situation where my W sees money as "Her Money" (ie what she earns), and "Our Money" (ie whatever I earn). I have worked hard and sacrificed a lot over the years to be able to earn what I do, have the responsibility to continue to work hard to support the family, and (particularly in our current limboland R) feel unappreciated and taken advantage of. In other words (and mindreading a bit) I feel that in my W's mind, if everything that I earn is already communal property and taken for granted, then what is the appeal in having a H (me) who works hard to support his family?

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So I would want to take back control of my own money. It would make me feel better about myself, empower me, and will also make it clearer what I contribute.

I don't however, want to become a controlling @ss. Grabbing back control of the income stream would be a strong, but very aggressive and confrontational move and would leave her feeling powerless and controlled.

My question is then as follows: How do other people manage this? Are there best practices? Does the primary wage earner maintain control of the money, and then just set up household budget / allowance into a separate account?

Has anyone found a good way to make one big joint account work?

Any suggestions?

In particular, I would be interested in the point of view of some of the SAHM's out there. How would you want it to work from your point of view?

Thanks

Did everyone else see the article in this Weeks Time:

http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1908243,00.html

Re: Household finances.

Money and kids two emotional subjects. Why exactly do you want change it up? Has it been a issue in your marriage? Would it help to really talk about this? This was a issue for us and it has helped us redistributing the tasks and talking more about it. It helped us in the partnership of being married.
If you think she might file on you then you need to have some money in your name. I think you need to tread carefully here, she is going "feel" trapped. Maybe it would be good just to have discussion about how to do things better going forward. Be prepared for her to look at you as if you are a martian though. I would maybe look at it as just as allocating money for different goals (savings, college, retirement, fun, etc.) I would get some input from the women before you do anything.

I just (re)discovered Meetup.com , and wanted to mention it so that others here know about it.

If you are looking for GAL activities and the ability to meet new people in your area - meetup.com is an answer. Want to go hiking? log on and look it up, and chances are you'll find some people in your area going for a hike this weekend, a bike ride? want to talk about computers? Wine tasting? ...etc.

It solves a number of GAL challenges: Ideas for things to do, people to do it with, defined dates and times to provide impetus, etc.

All that's left is to arrange for the free time for yourself and get out of the house.

I wholeheartedly second this, thinker. I have joined two MeetUp groups (1st one hiking, matterafact)

It is a GAL jackpot.