Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Trying to cope with H, IA/EA (was Newbie-1st post)

Second thread, first one locked.

The weekend was peaceful until today. H was with his family and S and I were with mine. No contact with H on Friday and minimal contact on Sat via text. H called Sat afternoon but I was out and he did not leave a message so I did not return the call - I thought I was doing well with detaching, but perhaps not as illustrated below.

This morning H sent a text asking if I would be available to talk. I did not get it as I was still sleeping. A second text came 40 minutes later (me, still sleeping). Message read "some reason that you don't talk to me anymore? don't really care but could use some advice during this time. I can get it elsewhere."

Whether or not I should have, I called H. Told H just got the message. H said something to the effect of me ignoring him (I did not respond to a "happy 4th of July" text sent Sat am). I told him I did not appreciate the remark about him getting advice somewhere else. H got totally ticked off so I quickly changed the subject.

BIL's funeral is Tuesday. H said he is leaving early Mon am so we will drive up separately (I need to go into work). Later, after I volunteered to work 1/2 day, H said we will go together. Just spoke with H and now H might leave early so we'll drive separately.

We've also gone back and forth on where to stay. H seems concerned if we stay at parents, S will have to sleep on the floor in our room and we won't be able to have sex. (H appears obsessed with having sex) I told H S can't sleep on the floor as S has back problems if S doesn't sleep on a bed. H just says "oh". H even asked me on the phone tonight to come to his work (now) to have sex. I said no, I will not leave S alone. H's response "S is old enough to be alone. Just tell S you are going for a ride. I wouldn't ask if S couldn't stay alone." I really don't understand what H's obsession with sex is right now.

I need advice on the following sitch: H told his sister about our sitch (only thing he said about OW was he had someone he was talking to). SIL's response: surprised then not so surprised. SIL brings up a trip 5 years ago and says we weren't happy then. On this "trip" was SIL, H, S and I. SIL and H brought a bunch of liquor and H was drunk each night - SIL encouraged the drinking, even gave hard liquor to H behind my back. (H could somewhat handle beer but couldn't handle the hard liquor) H was an ass to son a few times, S cried, and SIL sticks up for H. I stuck up for S and needless to say was extremely pissed at H and SIL. This trip caused SIL and I to have a falling out.

After hearing what SIL said to H, I am ticked and very upset. I want to approach SIL (after the funeral) but I don't know if I should even bother. To be quite honest, I don't even know how I am going to handle seeing her.

Another thing, H tells me everyone was asking for S and I this weekend. I didn't ask what H told them but I don't know what I should say. H never asked for me to come and only said something about S because others asked for S. However, H was also 'up in the air' about how long he'd stay. I don't feel I need to protect H, but I also don't want everyone to know what's going on. H has a large family (10 siblings) who are very good at gossiping. Thus far 2 know (the one H told and one I told).

God, give me strength to make it through the next few days. I am really going to need it.

Have you flat out told him that you have no desire to have sex with him as long as OW is in the picture? Or is that not accurate?

He seems very immature, but then again I've already said that.

Puppy

Puppy - No, I have not flat out told him that. I have refused several times, as you know. I continue to be conflicted with this issue. As crazy as this sounds, I feel if H was in a PA, I would not have sex. I don't know why I can't draw that line with the IA/EA. Maybe I'm scared. Okay, I know I'm scared. I'm scared it'll end things, I'm scared he'll leave, I'm scared if he doesn't see how good things can be, he'll drift farther away. God, I feel like I sound so pathetic.

Puppy - I realize how immature he's acting. On one hand I think I'm crazy to try to save the M. On the other hand, I know the person H is acting like right now is not my H or the man I married.

I don't think you're crazy for trying to save the marriage. You love him -- it makes perfect sense to me. I understand, I really do.

Puppy-

Any advice on how to handle the next few days?

I think you should remain lovingly detached. Let the next few days (and couple of weeks, even) be about his family, and their loss, and keep your distance. Validate, without agreeing.

I do see a little bit of pursuing/supplicating from you (like responding to his pissy "I can get it elsewhere" text, and not just letting him drive up separately). Try to avoid that stuff, and get thru the next couple of weeks. Keep doing your own thing, and calling him on his behavior if it's flat-out rude.

The reason I ask about the sex is that I do think he has a right to know where you stand on this. If you're not against it (and that's a very personal decision), then that's one thing. But if you are, then you should tell him, and unapologetically, in my opinion.

Puppy

Puppy - As usual, you're right. I will let the driving issue go (thanks for pointing it out). I was worried about what his family would think but I need to stop that too. I'll continue to lovingly detach. I keep hitting road blocks but I'll do my best.

Hey Ash

The detaching thing takes time and practice. I am still wrrestling with it.

ash,


I'm still faithful (read: celibate ) during all this, but I read this as "I can get it elsewhere because I am getting it elsewhere." Just my visceral take on it. Just think. Rethink. And protect yourself.



Most definitely.

And there's also nothing wrong with telling him "I'm sorry, I just don't feel like I can trust you right now, as painful as that is to say."