Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers Separated for 3 weeks now

I am going dark on my wife hoping she realizes that there will be no relationship at all.

Does anyone have any suggestions for me to get thru this ordeal?

What did you get out of the DB books? Your expectations are unrealistic in that you think we will "know" what she is going to do and none of us do.

All you can do is control you so that no matter what choices SHE makes, you will be fine. Prepare for that. Learn how to be happy with or without her and you will bring so much more to the table.

But AGAIN, you forgot to answer our questions and get mired downward into a spiral that helps NO ONE.

You are sliding and not stopping yourself. STOP THAT NOW. Tell us some info about what she wants from YOU and what she says she wants for the marriage or divorce, etc.
What does she say to you when you speak? You have to see each other some time if you have a daughter, correct?

That's your chance to reveal your changes but they have to be changes you would make b/c you want TO BE HAPPY YOURSELF.

What would you spend your time doing if not pining for her or drinking? What have you always wondered about but not investigated as an activity? Theater? Auditions? Photography? Classes? Current Event clubs? Scuba?

ALL these things are of interest to me, just for the sake of giving you examples and I'm sure YOU have some or can come up with some. TRY.
AND ANSWER THE QUESTIONS IN THIS POST PLEASE.
j-

PS I don't have near enough info to help you much. That's why the advice here is sparse - b/c you are not telling us enough. BE SPECIFIC...
And your hopelessness can be a self fulfilling prophecy. Don't go there. I have never seen a truly hopeless sitch and have two family members who actually divorced only to remarry their spouses later on....so that happens too.

Gardener had to go buy him his very own 2x4 since he hasn't wielded one in his one month here.

P Cater, you might consider showing some evidence of really reading - and actually considering - some of the many responses you've gotten, along with, perhaps - just perhaps - some mindful acknowledgement of and gratitude to the many who took their time and expended their effort in good faith to help you.

I skim and I see thoughtful questions to you, possible ideas for you, tons of been-there-done-that wisdom for you and whenever I do, I just know that the next post you make will be- ignoring the advice that preceeded it - yet again, something like:

'anybody got any advice?'

I feel like I'm watching that classic, original SNL sketch. There's some assertive, forceful knowing reply on one side and then the long, long pause while everyone waits for the inevitable to come from the other side: the low, meek voice that blatantly ignores what was just said and again repeats:

'candygram'

Sheesh. Yes, I know I'm dating myself land-sharkedly, and I know I'm inexplicably using the word "sheesh" lately.

But, sheesh...

Sorry, don't mean to hijack.

25, you found me all over again in P Cater.

Dude, I am telling you. Listen to these people. They know what they are talking about. Answer their questions. They can help you. It took me forever to start believing it. But they are right. These are very experienced people that are trying to help you. I know. Stop asking the same questions over and over again and really pay attention to what they are asking you and telling you. It takes action on your part. You have to do it for your own sanity.

I am finally finally starting to detach after months of them drilling things into my head. I'm as stubborn as they come. Don't be like me. Listen and follow the directions. Don't write off your M. DB. What all does your W want from you? At least she seems to be giving you hints from reading your posts. Thats a good thing. What are they?

Kevin

We would like to make suggestions, but you have to answer some of our questions.....which you are not doing. How old is your wife, how old are you, how long have you been married and do you have children. This is all plays a part in the stitch.

Sandi

Gardener,

Liked your post, especially the candygram reference.

Hey P Cater, you sound completely overwhelmed. Go back and re-read these posts, you've received some good feedback here. Maybe what you need to do is just focus on one or two things to work on right now instead of trying to wrap your arms around it all. Here's a thought: 1. Stop talking to your W right now and give both of you some serious space from each other. 2. Find an outlet to manage your stress besides relying on just the anti-depressants. Do you have a gym membership or somewhere you can go to work out? You mention taking walks. Walking is good, but what about jogging? Whatever it is you've got to find a way to release all that pent up stress.

Good luck to you. And for heaven sakes, please provide those on the boards with more information about yourself. Sheesh!

BigJohn,
I replied to you over at PortlandDad.
Where are you? Do you have your own thread?

25years,
My wife wants the negativity out of the marriage. Beacaust of all the negativity in the marriage my wife does not trust me anymore. The free time I have now is used to make myself a better person and hopefully to be happy and relieve stress. When I speak to her all she says is that we can not have a relationship together unless changes are made by me. I am giving her space and vice versa. I do not even want to have face to face contact with her because she is in an affair which she says "he is just a friend".
We went to a few marriage counseling sessions together but I think it made her realize that she wants the marriage to be over. I told her I would do whatever it takes to save our marriage.

So, you don't have children? Because it doesn't sound like you do, since you've not mentioned them. If you do, then, how is your relationship with them? It sounds like this should be the focus of your DB'ing, if you have them, as this would be the only access to your W. The DB coaches would tell you to focus on CO-PARENTING!

Really dude, you don't give adaquate info for anyone to help you. You only repeat yourself, over and over and over.

And outside of medication, and a casual walk, it doesn't sound like you are GAL'ing at all. Sorry so harsh but I don't even think you've read (or understood) the DB book. If you had read and understood it, you would know to STOP FOCUSING ON YOUR WIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!