Divorcebusting.com Forums Open Forums For Newcomers What a weekend...

Wow, S13, thanks for the post... You didn't write too much... You reinforced what I felt like I was seeing in him...

It felt like a glimpse into his real inner mind... and it's interesting that you say anger/rage was your emotion when your H divulged OW...

And, yes, I DO believe the emotions are 10X over "normal". By definition, the highs are higher and the lows are lower, at least as I understand it...

His coping methods, the anger, were so similar to how he acted before his behavior came under control through a combination of meds, diet, and his own sheer will power...

This has been my instinct:



... which is why his destruction didn't concern me (except when directed at his siblings) and perhaps why I was so p.o.'ed that W was trying to "logic" him out of his feelings and "flip" things on him...

Thank you for sharing your experiences. I appreciate it...

The "scenes" I wrote about above mostly took place on Friday...

Saturday was more of the same…

Somehow I kept being accused of feeding S14 the thoughts he was coming up with independently (yet which did echo my thoughts). He was upset that W didn’t think he had a mind of his own. So, one of two things is true, he’s either much more perceptive than I ever gave him credit for or her self-interest/selfishness is that much more apparent than she would have it.

I made the mistake of admitting to the boys that my feelings were hurt that D11 offered to help Mommy decorate in the basement. The moment I said it, I wished I could take it back. It was in the context of telling them I wanted them to express their feelings and was meant to serve as an example not to point the finger... Swing and a miss. My bad.

The moment I said it I knew I had blown it. I realized right away that it could fuel S14’s fire. Bad call on my part. When we got back to the house S14 lit into D11 for helping Mommy and she broke down in tears.

Of course, that only fueled W’s ire, too; and, in this case, rightfully so; just as I am doing my best to protect children, so too is she doing her [thought-bubble" misguided] best.

So emotions are revved up again; W and S14 started going at it again, or, more accurately, S14 started into W about her selfishness… She hunkered down into defense mode and again accused me of planting ideas in his head, this time “selfishness”. She was still reeling from his letter and emotions were raw. She was defending herself to him and saying how she’d been selfless for the entire 14 years of his life when I didn’t even have the time for him… and that she wasn’t the selfish one… and how I was blaming her for everything… and how I just loved the fact that S14 was saying what he was because it echoed my thoughts… and how I didn’t care about anyone but myself.

She strode out of the kitchen muttering to all, see this is why you should divorce me, I can’t do anything right in your eyes. I had had it at this point. I reminded her that it was she who was divorcing me; she scoffed at that and I could NOT stand the hypocrisy anymore. I said something to the effect that how could she be trying to butter them up like this (more on this later) and, no, I’m not the one that’s all about me. She’s the one who had the affairs.

In all candor, I don’t feel badly about saying that out loud and I don’t think it registered with any of the children as not one of them has said anything about it since (while a lot of other ground has been covered and re-covered). Somewhere in there there was also the projected accusation of me being the controlling one in our R…

Whew! Bad scene, Alex. But you know that. And yes, I do believe in not shielding the kids from the difficulties of relationships, after all, it's their destiny too. But I still remember how bad it is to be the people in that house where the fight is going on.

Family counseling might be helpful. Get them all in there. Have someone to moderate, to get the feelings out without all the animosity. Your wife may have a pretty exterior, but what's harbored inside is not good-looking. And apparently she is so desperate to get her way that she is using a scorched earth approach. Doesn't work in families.

If she won't go, make the appointment, and herd all the kids in with you. Let her be left out if she so chooses. But get some professional insight.

So, to explain my reference to "buttering up" in the last post...

Fridays events included “Scene 6” above…



So, my reference to “buttering up” (admittedly not the best choice of words) was in reference to these “journals” and her passages to the kids saying this had been a long time coming and adult-problems that had been brewing for many years and how she had “tried” and we just couldn’t connect anymore. Yes, she is entitled to those feelings, but some background is in order…

A few weeks back, I had sent her the following e-mail, trying to explain why these types of references felt dishonest to me…



We subsequently met with our ICs together in an attempt to “script” what to tell the children and talked about this very topic. We agreed not to talk about a history of adult problems and references to her having tried because it felt dishonest to me and BECAUSE this should be about assuring them that it isn't their fault and that we love them and that we will be there for them, but separately; yet, here she was doing exactly what we had agreed NOT to do in the context of telling the children.

So, yes, I was rather taken aback by the journals which contained the very thoughts from which we had agreed to steer clear of with both of our respective ICs present.

I don't understand your point of view here. I see the journals as her trying to reassure the kids that she loves them. I also see them as "parting gifts". Which doesn't make sense, since she isn't moving out right away, so why give them parting gifts now. But understood your agreement to be to leave out the part about the affair, I don't see what that has to do with journals.

However, I do think the journals were extremely poorly timed. I have a feeling that your wife is planning to walk away from the whole family, not just you. Although she certainly seems to single you out for her invective. But the scorched earth policy, not caring what she says in front of the kids, or how she antagonizes everyone speaks to her not planning to maintain a relationship with anyone, except perhaps her little girl.

OK, reading back I see the story of the marriage and adult problems in the journals. I was focusing on the part about each kid. I was thinking of the journals as being like the childhood picture books that I tried to do for each kid. (Only the first kid's book looks decent.) Yes, it's in there.

Why do you focus on her not keeping a small agreement? You should expect her to lie. Cheaters lie. They do not keep their word. She is self-indulgent and will do what she wants at all times. You are not going to control her. whether she makes an agreement with you or not, she is not going to abide by anything she tells you.

Sara,

You are correct... It's something Puppy always says, too: Cheaters lie. Period.

My intent was not to focus on this issue, but to clarify the comment I made to her, which was but a small part of the scenes from a weekend. It was, in a sense, the straw that broke the camel's back, but, yes, I should not have expected any differently from her... Her failure to live up to this "agreement" pales in comparison to the way she is handling the kids, especially S14.

I just posted something on another thread that I think is relevant to my mindset now with respect to "the big picture" and, in a way, your point:


I don't expect her to do right by me at all; I still expect her to do what is right for the kids and will hold her to a much higher standard there...

-AlexEN

As you should.

Thinking more about Sara's post (and her concern that W would walkaway from the boys, too) and trying to complete the picture of the weekend, I got a glimpse into her that I knew on an intellectual level, but had never truly "felt" before...

When we finally had a few moments away from the kids, I brought up that we had agreed not to go down the “adult problems” and “trying” path, but rather to focus on the kids' needs. Her defense (as in defense-mechanism) was that she thought I didn’t want to hear the words as the words would trigger the concerns I had with the going down that path.

She felt that by writing the words that it would somehow “different”. It was incomprehensible to me that she could be drawing such a fine line. But, I could see it in her eyes, she truly believed what she was saying and could NOT step into my shoes to see how there would be no difference between uttering the words and committing them to paper. She cannot NOT have her way; it is too firmly engrained. It is not, IMO, intentional. She "really" sees herself as the only truly aggrieved party. It is a built-in defense mechanism.

*****

Fast forward a little…

As I am changing, I notice she has left a book with notes in it in my underwear drawer. The book is “Helping Children Cope with Divorce” [the same book D11 saw her buy?] and she marked the pages she wanted me to read…


In her journals she had borrowed from the script this book suggests, even though it is not the one we had agreed upon… “Parents’ feelings about each other change as time goes by, and that is what happened to us…”

Perhaps to her credit (I say "perhaps" because of the apparent quid pro quo - she's sorry, but she's telling me it's up to me to save her R with S14). But, she's projected on me what she is hearing from S14 and, as a mother who loves S14, this outcome that she expected to come from me cannot really be coming from him, it HAS to be coming from me) she wrote in the margin, “I didn’t realize that what I wrote to them would upset you so much. My intentions were good.”

Yes, and I appreciate that, but her Actions and her Deed (this is for you @Smiley) were still inconsistent with what had been agreed upon.

@Puppy, this is when the Good Guy wanted to come to her rescue, but instead I told her it was not up to me to fight protect her relationship with S14... and that I don’t approve of his language toward her or his threats to his brother and sister and that I had talked to each one of them about that already... but he IS entitled to his own thoughts... and that I would no longer make any attempt to protect her from her own actions... and that she is responsible for the consequences of her own actions as am I for mine…

I told her I’d help her move to basement guest room and that I was not rushing her, but I need my space, too... that it won’t work for me if she’s moved to the guest room but has free access to come and go as she pleases from the master bedroom…

She still had to have the last word... saying "if I leave something in there it doesn’t mean I don’t want it when we go to divvy stuff up."

At that point I felt like Nick Nolte in the very last scene of North Dallas Forty and I let the ball drop.

Yep -- "it's time to put away childish things."